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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
(Article provided by Annie Hahn RN Addiction Medicine Service’s Center for Psychiatric and Chemical Dependency Services (CPCDS). This is a must read.)
...Persons interested in the Ambulatory detox program will need to have an initial evaluation in the DEC (Diagnostic and Evaluation Center/Emergency Room WPIC) The DEC is operational 24/7 and an evaluation can be done at any time. The DEC is located on the first floor of Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic 3811 Ohara Street Pgh,Pa 15213 Patients will have a complete psychiatric evaluation, physical exam and test doses of detox medications. Patients are then sent home with appropriated detox medication and referred the next day to the Ambulatory Detox Clinic at the Oxford Building 3501 Forbes Ave 9th floor... His baby face, ball cap slung sideways on his head, and baggy pants belied his age. Matt was 29 but looked 16 years old when he went to the DEC (Diagnostic and Evaluation Center/Emergency Room WPIC) asking for help to quit using heroin. He had been using the drug for the past six years. “I’ve tried to quit before but I just could not make it through the withdrawal cold turkey.” In the DEC he was evaluated and started on an ambulatory detoxification protocol to help him safely withdraw from opiates.
His story was a familiar one to the staff at the DEC and Addiction Medicine Service’s Center for Psychiatric and Chemical Dependency Services (CPCDS). This innovative detoxification program is a collaboration between the DEC and CPCDS staff and has been operational since March 2003. The detox staff at CPCDS includes Annie Hahn RN, Rodney Williams MD and several other physicians, nurses and therapists who help out from time to time.
The next day, Matt continued his detoxification at CPCDS. He told the staff “I’m really glad you’re here. Drugs are ruining my life. I want to stop shooting dope. I tried to quit on my own a couple times, but just couldn’t.” Annie smiled, as she always does. She understood what Matt meant. During the detox visit, Annie checked Matt’s blood pressure, assessed withdrawal symptoms and initiated a discussion about “recovery” to let him know that getting sober was a lot more than simply stopping the drug use. Annie then consulted with Dr. Williams who examined Matt for medical and psychiatric co morbidity, and determined medication needs.
Matt’s father had come with him to the appointments. He was upset, worried and angry, which are common reactions of parents when a child becomes addicted. Annie listened to what Matt’s father said. She could hear the stress. She provided empathy, support, education and a sense of hope that his son could recover
On day 3 of detox both Annie and Dr. Williams re-evaluated Matt’s symptoms and motivation to change. Since he was feeling much better, Annie suggested he begin participation in the Partial Hospital program on site. Matt accepted and began that day. Some of the topics explored in the groups he attended over the next few weeks included – the disease concept of addiction, identifying and managing triggers, using the support of others, the availability of the community support system of NA/AA, learning to managing emotions and developing a long-term relapse prevention plan. Matt said it best about what he learned, “ I learned things could get better and I could have a life without drugs.”
WPIC has the only Ambulatory Detoxification program offered in Allegheny County. However, detox in and of itself is of limited value. All ambulatory detox patients are encouraged to continue treatment in a Partial Hospital or outpatient program as Matt did.
The majority of the 2000+ patients seen in the program thus far were addicted to opiates such as heroin and Oxycontin. While withdrawal from opiates is uncomfortable, it is usually not dangerous. Patients experience “flu-like” symptoms: chills, sweating, diarrhea, abdominal cramps and general body aches. Medications are given to ease the symptoms, reducing the experience to low-grade anxiety and restlessness. Detox is usually completed within 5-7 days. According to Annie Hahn RN, the “most serious complication” seen during detox is relapse and discouragement. The staff addresses these issues in their daily meetings with patients. A major goal is to help motivate the patient to engage in continued care, and participate in AA or NA meetings in the community.
If found to be medically appropriate patients may also be detoxed from alcohol or benzodiazepines in the Ambulatory Detox Program
Outcomes of the detox program have been encouraging. Of the patients who came for detox, over 60% completed the process. Among these completers, 70% participated in ongoing treatment.
The numbers of patients seeking Ambulatory Detox continue to increase. The increase speaks to the growing epidemic of opiate addiction in both the inner city and the suburbs, without regard to race, gender, age, or socioeconomic status. One of the most important goals of the staff who work with the ambulatory detox patient, is to decrease the numbers of those patients who use detox as an end in itself, but use it as the first step on that road called “recovery.”
Persons interested in the Ambulatory detox program will need to have an initial evaluation in the DEC (Diagnostic and Evaluation Center/Emergency Room WPIC) The DEC is operational 24/7 and an evaluation can be done at any time. The DEC is located on the first floor of Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic 3811 Ohara Street Pgh,Pa 15213
Patients will have a complete psychiatric evaluation, physical exam and test doses of detox medications. Patients are then sent home with appropriated detox medication and referred the next day to the Ambulatory Detox Clinic at the Oxford Building 3501 Forbes Ave 9th floor
Further information about the Ambulatory Detox Program may be obtained by calling Annie Hahn RN (412) 246-5278. Questions about the program are welcome.
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Debuting THURSDAY, MARCH 15 (9:00-10:30 p.m. ET/PT), with the centerpiece documentary ADDICTION, the series is eye-opening and ultimately hopeful, providing guidance in navigating the often confusing world of addiction treatment and recovery.
"How can we comprehend the concept of a person who wants to stop doing something and cannot, despite catastrophic consequences? That is what we are up against. Some people don't want to speak about addiction, or compare it to other chronic diseases. Well, this is a disease, a treatable disease, and it needs to be understood. HBO's ADDICTION project is an initiative that will help people understand more about this illness, its advancements and how to find help."
-- Nora Volkow, MD, Director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse
HBO's Groundbreaking 14-Part Series, The ADDICTION Project, Kicks Off March 15
January 18, 2007
"How can we comprehend the concept of a person who wants to stop doing something and cannot, despite catastrophic consequences? That is what we are up against. Some people don't want to speak about addiction, or compare it to other chronic diseases. Well, this is a disease, a treatable disease, and it needs to be understood. HBO's ADDICTION project is an initiative that will help people understand more about this illness, its advancements and how to find help."
-- Nora Volkow, MD, Director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse
Los Angeles, CA –- One in four Americans has a family member who is struggling with addiction. Over 80% of people with substance abuse or dependence disorder started using before age 18. Currently, addiction affects 22.2 million Americans. Yet only 9% are receiving the treatment they need.
In partnership with the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), and the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA), HBO launches the ADDICTION project, an unprecedented multi-media campaign aimed at helping Americans understand addiction as a treatable brain disease, as well as spotlighting new medical advancements.
Debuting THURSDAY, MARCH 15 (9:00-10:30 p.m. ET/PT), with the centerpiece documentary ADDICTION, the series is eye-opening and ultimately hopeful, providing guidance in navigating the often confusing world of addiction treatment and recovery.
For the first time, HBO will use all of its digital platforms, including the HBO main service, multiplex channels, HBO On Demand, podcasts, web streams, and DVD sales to support a campaign that includes a 14-part documentary series, a book published by Rodale Press, four independent addiction-themed films, a robust website and a national community grassroots outreach campaign funded by the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation.
All films will initially be offered during a free HBO preview weekend from Thursday, March 15 to Sunday, March 18 in participating cable systems.
"HBO is utilizing all of its platforms to develop programming directly targeted to the various needs of the American public on this complex public health issue," says Chris Albrecht, HBO's chairman and CEO. "Our resources are committed to illuminating, demystifying and defining addiction – a problem that is riddled with misconceptions."
The ADDICTION project showcases the work of many of today's leading documentary filmmakers, including Jon Alpert; Kate Davis and David Heilbroner; Susan Froemke; Liz Garbus and Rory Kennedy; Eugene Jarecki; Barbara Kopple; Albert Maysles; D.A. Pennebaker and Chris Hegedus; and Alan and Susan Raymond.
ADDICTION brings together leading thinkers and organizations that are at the threshold of new treatments. Current advances in brain imaging science make it possible to see inside the brain of an addicted person, pinpoint the parts of the brain affected by addiction, and see how the addict's brain differs, ushering in a great many advances in medical treatment. In fact, treatments for addiction are now as effective as treatments for other chronic relapsing diseases such as diabetes, hypertension or asthma.
A candid depiction of the emotional, psychological, social and political toll that addiction takes on the country, the ADDICTION project demonstrates conclusively that the disease is treatable and shows that there are millions of Americans in long-term recovery.
Topics covered include: the nature of addiction, addiction in the workplace, and the protracted insurance battles waged by families, as well as the difficulty of finding and getting adequate treatment.
The ADDICTION project will be supported by an unprecedented 30-city nationwide community outreach campaign funded by the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and coordinated by Join Together, Faces and Voices of Recovery, and the Community Anti-Drug Coalitions of America (CADCA).
The ADDICTION project is produced by John Hoffman and Susan Froemke and executive produced by Sheila Nevins.
For additional information, contact Roberta Leis at roberta@jointogether.org.
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Wishes
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Wednesday, January 24, 2007
(this was written in concert by the parents at the Bridget to Hope Meeting. The meeting is in the Donor Conference Room of Passavant Hospital on Babcock Blvd. ever Wednesday from 7 PM to 8:30 and is open to all)
At the Bridge to Hope meeting there is a tremendous amount of real world experience dealing with the impact of the disease of addiction on our families. These are wishes that we have shared when looking back on this ordeal. These wishes are voiced about our children but apply equally to brother, sister or other loved ones. Our wish for you is that the sharing of what we have learned will be helpful.
I wish…
...I had known I wasn’t alone through all of this and that there was a good support system out there. When I reached out and had a chance to talk with others I realized I wasn’t going crazy.
...I had understood that taking care of myself was just as important as helping my addicted child recover. I had to get better so the cycle of enabling could be broken.
…I had understood that addiction could occur in any family. It is not just something that happens in dysfunctional families. Being a role model or even a great parent role model is not enough to stop the disease of addiction.
...I had known the huge impact this disease would have on my entire family; and I had taken steps to make sure everyone got the help they needed earlier rather than later.
...I had understood how very important it is to have everyone who is supporting a child’s recovery (all parents, family members, church, school and others) on the same page.
...I had understood that there is a strong spiritual component to recovery from this disease; that church can be a significant resource for my child and my family. Churches have experience dealing with other addicts in the congregation and they can help us understand that recovery comes from faith in a Higher Power.
…I had been able to “let go and let God” sooner. Recovering from the impact of addiction in the family is a process that takes time and is different for each person.
...I had known and really understood what terrible lengths my child would go to (lying, stealing, running away and much worse) to obtain drugs. Valuables needed to be removed from my child’s grasp before the family heirlooms ended up in the pawnshop never to be seen again.
...I had understood the difference between encouraging and enabling. Enabling resulted in spending upwards of $10,000 on heroin over the years.
...I had known I was enabling my child to use drugs when I lied for him and protected him from consequences. Addiction is a situation of opposites where your heart will rule your decisions instead of your brain. You are not helping your child by protecting him from the consequences of his actions no matter what your heart tells you.
... I wish I had known that someday I would feel good about my child being in jail because he is safe and not using drugs.
...I had listened to that little whisper from my heart that told me my child was using drugs.
...I had paid attention to the warning signs: dropping grades, withdrawal from sports and school activities, disappearance of old friends (the “good kids”), new friends who had first names but no faces or last names, increased secret phone activity, sneaking out …etc.
…I hadn’t convinced myself that this was “just a phase” or adolescent “right of passage.” That I knew how to distinguish between normal teenage behavior and drug related behavior.
…I had known more about the drug situation in my community and school. As parents, we are ignorant of the drug problem with a capital “I”. We have to educate ourselves about street drugs, their potency and symptoms of use, as well as the potential for abuse of prescription or other medicine that we may have in the house.
...I had listened to the clues I was given by teachers and the school principal. I think many people knew or suspected about my child’s drug use before it was acknowledged at home.
…I had understood that drugs are literally everywhere including churches, schools, recovery meetings, rehabilitation centers and places of employment.
…I had known that even when I tried to make my child safe by “grounding” them that drugs could easily be “delivered” to the house.
...I had understood that no matter how much I loved my child, how much I cried, how much I hurt, how much I bribed, how much I punished, I couldn’t make my child stop using drugs.
…I had known that treatment was not a one-shot deal and not a cure.
... I understood what a really long process recovery from addiction is (years not months) and that after abstaining from drug use it takes them a long time to catch up with their peers intellectually and socially even though they want so much to be normal.
…I had been aware that all recovery meetings are not the same and I had to shop around to find the right program for my child.
...I had never given up on my child. Recovery takes time. “Just for today” are watchwords. What a difference two years makes! There isn’t any good reason to give up hope.
...I had challenged the educational professionals at school more. There is a truant officer at some schools to support efforts to keep your child in school but you have to ask. There are alternative education programs at some schools but you have to ask.
...I had questioned the doctors and the experts more. Addiction can masquerade as depression. I think the age of the child is an issue in treatment. Techniques that work well with a 23-year old may not be appropriate for a 13-year old.
…I had known about Act 53, a government funded program to involuntarily court order a child into treatment without a criminal record.
…I had known that drug tests could be manipulated.
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The Alliance Against Highly Addictive Drugs is a not-for-profit community based organization that includes many school districts, faith based and other organizations as members. They have just put up their new website at drug-alliance.org and you can learn all about them there. It is free to join and you can do so online. If you were a member in the past you must reenter your information to stay on the email list.
This site also contains several parent videos some of which were done in partnership with Juvenile Probation. You can view these videos online but first you have to request a username and password. You can make this request via email to Probation Officer Woodward.
One of the best things about the web site is that it provides an online, web based user searchable database of service providers of all types. Service providers must enter their own information on the web site and again, there is no charge for this. Please share this information with any community based service providers you know and encourage them to enter their information.
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We had eight parents attend. Lots of time for updates. While most parents were experiencing positive things, on any given day that might not be the case. I guess that is life. The Steelers had one of the best years in the franchise last season. This year they can't make the playoffs.
The better our teenagers do on probation, in recovery, and in their lives- the more we expect. However, the ebb and tide of the recovery process usually, if we are lucky, gives you two steps forward and one step back. If we aren't lucky, then one step forward and two steps back. In fact, one of the recurring themes in this meeting was that we learn from failure.
Also, sometimes we have to make the same mistakes over and over until we get it. In recovery people talk about "getting sick and tired of being sick and tired."
The positive thing for most of the teenagers of our parents that come to PSST is that when our teenagers make mistakes, they usually don't get away with it. We apply consequences for bad decisions. We allow the natural consequences for bad decisions to take place, refusing to rescue our teens from the predicaments in which their bad judgment or drug abuse has put them. That helps the learning from failure thing to work.
One question that comes up a lot is this: Why, if they knew they would probably get caught, do they do it anyway? And searching for that answer sometimes leads one to surmise this: there must be something bothering them, that if we could just figure out what that is, and sort of fix it, address it, treat it, whatever it, and then they would not relapse.
Let's look a bit closer at this logic. They relapse. Therefore something is broken and needs fixed. "None of the rehab people were able to get my teen to talk about what was really bothering him. If he could talk about what was really bothering him, if someone could just get him to talk about it- he could stay clean." What makes this logic a tough nut to crack, and it is, because I see it time and time again with parents, is that there is some truth to it.
Yes, indeed there are issues galore. No, the teenager had not talked about all the issues. Would it help his recovery if someone could help him talk about all these issues? Certainly. However, in recovery from highly addictive drugs, we must factor in one other huge thing to this logic: EUPHORIA.
The extreme high that the addict feels is such a powerful reinforcer that it can outweigh the certain consequences that will follow. At the time the teen wants to get high, he doesn't care about the consequences because he knows that for a short time he will experience the bliss of drug use. The drive to get high can also be more important than whether or not certain issues have been resolved. So, what are we left with? Are we powerless over our teen's recovery from addiction? Yes, of course. Only our teenager can decide that they want to change their life.
But are we powerless over our own parenting activities? Hopefully not. We can send powerful messages to our teen addict by the actions that we take or fail to take. And sometimes that can help. For example, since we know that recovery from highly addictive drugs happens more often when the addict is working a strong 12-step recovery program, we can devise parent-strategies geared to enhance the recovery process. Can we work our teenager's recovery program for him? Of course not. But if we know that our teenager is not serious about his recovery, we can see the relapse coming down the road. If a parent chooses not to address this- then all one can do is wait for the relapse. Of course we all know how risky that can be. Each relapse is not only devastating in so many ways but each relapse runs the risk of death.
When all else fails, if we are lucky we can insist that our addict at least remain somewhere where they can't hurt themselves- like in an inpatient drug rehab or in a Court placement. The gift of Clean Time- even though it is bought dearly with great cost of emotional pain and financial pain, is sometimes all we can do. Will one more Court placement do it? We do not know. Only time will tell if the "miracle" has happened. With highly addictive drugs, we are really are waiting for a miracle. The good news is that with the gift of Clean Time - we sometimes get it.
Back to the two steps forward and one step back- or heaven help us- the one step forward and two steps back. With success we expect more, but let us not forget to compare our teenager's success, especially during the step-back process, with where our teen would be if we had never provided intervention. Are they more or less healthy? Have they had any success in education? Are they more or less drug free? Do they go though periods when they are really doing quite well in recovery? Have they at least been exposed to the 12-step program so that they know where to turn later in life? Now compare that to the rapid loss of weight, the stolen items sold for drugs, the lies, the sleepless nights not knowing where your teenager is or what he is doing to provide himself with drugs. When we do that comparison, maybe things do not look so bad.
I think the one of the reasons that I'm writing this today- is that our last meeting, the first one of the New Year, was one in which everyone present found some positive focus. One youth, who lived in a halfway house relapsed to Heroin and ran away on New Year's Eve. However, he took a new attitude with him back to inpatient treatment. He seems to feel genuine remorse for what has happened. His mother has never seen that before. Also, we found him by the next day so he could not hurt continue to hurt himself with Heroin. And out of that tragedy his mother found a really strong statement to make to her teenager. She said, “Everyone is working harder on your recovery than you are. Until you are working as hard as everyone else- I am backing off.” What she meant by that was not that she was giving up, but that she was done running out to visit him all the time and trying to make sure that he was comfortable. We could write a separate post (or book) just about what that statement means, because it is so powerful- and yet complicated.
Another teen is coming home after three weeks at Shuman, and he is bringing a new attitude home with him, one that we have not seen yet. It is one of humility and willingness to do what he needs to do to be successful on probation this time. Also, we are trying some supervision approaches that we have not tried with him before, including Electronic Home Monitoring and visual aides to chart his success.
One teen lied about an overnight outing that was approved by parents. However, the girl was found not to be where she was supposed to be. Also, she admitted to drinking alcohol. The parent busted her immediately because of good, strong parental supervision. And for the first time, this teenager complied with all parental sanctions, including no more overnights, without a making a fuss. Historically, this is very rare with this teenager.
One teen quit her job and lied to her parents about it. She might be entering into a difficult phase of her mental health issues as she is beginning to show some signs of emotional difficulties. Ok, but the parent is on to it, applying limits to her behaviors where appropriate and insuring that she receives the proper psychiatric attention. Also, this girl is clean still and working a 12-step program after release from treatment months ago.
Another 20 year-old appears to be putting a strong recovery together after a relapse four months ago. His parents don't think all of his relapses are yet behind him, but for today he is clean, working a program, and attending college from a men's halfway house.
Another youth is now almost three years clean, holding a job and living independently. He is paying his own bills. While his mother is concerned that he is starting to back off on attending 12-step meetings, he still did an outstanding presentation for Probation on 1-8-07 at the Westview Crime watch meeting. He has done public speaking for us before, but this is the strongest message I have ever heard him give. His comments for the teenagers and his message to the parents in the audience were very powerful.
Another teen that lives in a halfway house got fired from his job, has no money to pay his rent, but seems to be still be working a strong recovery program. He has four months clean. And his mother also delivered a strong message at the same Westview Crime watch meeting. Her first-time experience with public speaking was emotional. She said (through tears) that she told herself that she would not cry. It certainly touched parents in the audience. Her message was one of: "pay attention, supervise, drug test, and don't be too sure your child is not involved with drugs. If you find out that they are involved with drugs- ask for help- you are not alone. And if they are involved with drugs, you're going to need all the help you can get." It was very moving- and if she is reading this- thank you so much for being willing to get the word out.
Thank you from both Val and I to all the parents who turned out for this meeting. Often, when I tell people that I am a Probation Officer who works with teenagers with drug problems, I am asked "How can you do that? Isn't that hard? Don't they relapse?" Yes- it can be frustrating. However, having parents like you guys who are willing to fight so valiantly to try to save your teenager's lives- you guys make it all worth while! Val and I have often said that the best part of our jobs is coming to group to meet with your guys! What you do is very inspirational not only for other parents, but for us!
Happy New Year to everyone from Val and I and we wish you all two steps forward in the coming year!
Type rest of the post here
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We are making some changes about when and at what time we meet. For example, we might dump Monday night meetings in favor of Saturday mornings. Let us know what you think.
For January and February we are changing to first and third Saturday mornings just because both of the scheduled Monday dates fall on holidays. Also, at our next meeting on 1-20-07 (Saturday) we are experimenting changing the time of the meeting from 9:00 AM to 8:00 AM. This would allow us to finish our meeting by 10:30 AM instead of 11:30 AM. Please let us know your opinion of what days and what times we should meet. We are listening. You can post here or call me at 412-247-6365 to register your opinion.
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Books
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Sunday, January 07, 2007
I have had several books recommended to me in the past couple of weeks that I want to share with you. What books have you read that you have found helpful and would like to share with others? Please leave a comment or drop me an email with a full review and I will post it. Note - the links are to Amazon.com. If you buy used books you can get all three of these for less than $10, two of them are less than $1 each. We do not have any financial relationship with Amazon.com.
 The first book “70 x 7 and Beyond: Mystery of the Second Chance” by Monty Christensen, Roberta L. Kehle was recommend by a parent at the group this week. She gave it to her child as a Christmas present and said it was well received and served to spark some interesting discussion.
 The second book is “Back in Control” by Gregory Bodenhamer. The PSST group has used this book in the past and I was curious about it. The author, a California PO, shares his tips and wisdom for controlling difficult children. His solutions are elegantly simple and easy to put into practice. Worth the read.
 The third one is a book that I wish someone had given me when I first learned my child was an addict, “Addictive Thinking” by Dr. Abraham J. Twerski the founder and medical director emeritus of Gateway Rehab. Twerski shares the wisdom he has gained in a way that answers so many questions for parents.
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HOPE
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Friday, December 22, 2006
(This was written by John Clayton a member of the Bridge to Hope Family Support Group. The group meets 7 PM every Wednesday in the Donor Hall Conference Room at UPMC Passavant Hospital - all are welcome)
The Bridge To Hope, the name we have chosen for our family support group, says a lot more than those four monosyllables would imply. The key word, of course, is “hope.” The second most important word is “bridge.” Our “bridge” can be very helpful moving us from a dark place to one of light and resolve...or said another way, hope. But what exactly is “hope,” why do we need it, how do we acquire it, and how do we advance beyond it? And what does our “bridge” do to move us in the right direction? In order to better understand exactly what hope is, and why we need it, let’s look at words that describe the opposite of hope.
Some that come to mind are: despair, pessimism, discouragement, abandonment, desperation, condemnation, ruin, cynicism, emptiness, disaster, helplessness..... and on and on the list goes. None of the descriptions of the opposite of hope are appealing in any way, and they are especially unappealing if they last for any appreciable length of time. On the other hand, when applying synonyms for the word “hope,” such as confidence, expectation, trust, desire, anticipation, encouragement, cheer, reassurance, and courage, we can appreciate the positives of hope. When looking at “hope” vs. “hopelessness,” it becomes obvious that without hope in the face of adversity, the forces that can lead to our physical and mental destruction can be overwhelming and victorious over us if we are not vigilant against them.
So ok, we agree that having hope is a good thing. We can also agree that without it, we can languish forever in the murkiness of depression and victimhood. But when it is all said and done, “hope” is really just a feeling.....a feeling that what is wanted will happen. Very few positive things ever happen though, just because we “feel” a certain way. Those feelings have to be backed by actions that support the feeling. For example, we can hope that our next vacation will be in Hawaii, in February, basking in 85 degree temperatures on a peaceful beach attached to a posh resort while our friends are all shivering in sub-zero weather. That hope can be a very joyous feeling as we imagine ourselves free of daily pressures and relaxing in an idyllic atmosphere. But for that vacation to actually become a reality, there are a few things we have to do to make it happen, such as save up some money, make airline and hotel reservations, arrange for a rental car, and so on. These steps all support our hope.....and without them, the hope for that great vacation will never materialize.
Likewise, as we all hope for the recovery of our addicted loved ones, there are steps we must take to make sure that our hope is not hollow and without merit. We all know what those steps are.....avoid enabling, end co-dependency, force the addict to face the consequences of his or her choices, move on with our own lives, help other families similarly situated, share experiences with others, support the rehabilitation process, celebrate achievements along the way, and press on....always forward....never backward. Those steps are most often much easier to know and say than to actually do....but absent most or all of these actions, hope doesn’t stand a chance of fulfillment. This is where our “bridge” comes in.
It is difficult to do the things that absolutely have to be done in order to achieve our hoped-for positive outcomes. These requirements are unintuitive, require discipline and stamina, strength and tenacity and they are hard to plan and execute; but they are made easier by the support and encouragement of others who have been forced to make the same sacrifices and exert the same energy toward the realization of their hopes. I contend that “hope” loves company and that misery does not have a monopoly on that principle! The genuine empathy of others, combined with the sharing of plans and events that have been successful, can be a constant reinforcement to the hopes of every member. Our support group also provides a social outlet that helps us overcome the feelings of loneliness, isolation and ostracism that often accompany a family member’s addiction. The group is also a “reality check” for its members, providing programs, speakers, leads, conversation, reinforcement and other stimuli to keep “hope” on track for success.
Hope, then, is in fact, a necessary ingredient in the realization of our true objective: the recovery of our loved one. The natural tendency of any family is to experience the opposite of hope, especially during the earliest phases of the problem. Bridging the abyss of despair, pessimism, discouragement, abandonment, desperation, condemnation, ruin, cynicism, emptiness, disaster, and helplessness to reach the shore of confidence, expectation, trust, desire, anticipation, encouragement, cheer, reassurance, and courage is a necessary and important process, because without that bridge and its resulting rescue from the abyss, we will be able to accomplish nothing, neither for ourselves nor for our loved one. The Bridge To Hope attempts to facilitate this transition week in, week out, year in, and year out. In the same way that a goal is a dream with a plan, HOPE is a wish with substance. Hope is not a destination….the destination is our loved ones’ recovery, achieved by undertaking the difficult tasks and actions that keep hope alive!
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ACT 53 – The Short Version. You can use the legal system to force your child into a drug and alcohol treatment program without it resulting in a criminal record for your child. More details follow but it is fairly easy to do and trained professionals will support you in the process. To get the process started call 412-350-3952.
This is the official overview of the ACT 53 process. More information can be found here.
History
Allegheny County has multiple systems in place to offer help and guidance to teens, their families and friends. The health and welfare of children and teens has always been a top priority in Allegheny County. The implementation of ACT 53 in 1998 was a new way to offer help to parents of teens who are struggling with drug and alcohol problems. ACT 53 of 1997 addresses the involuntary commitment of minors into drug and alcohol treatment against their will.
ACT 53 Overview
ACT 53 is a groundbreaking law in the state of Pennsylvania. Previous to the enactment of ACT 53 in 1998, there was no method for parents to convince teenagers to receive help for drug and alcohol problems, unless the teens were willing to attend treatment. ACT 53 has bridged this "gap" in our systems and is providing treatment services to many teenagers who would have previously fallen through the proverbial crack.
Each county was assigned the task of setting up its own policy and procedures to implement ACT 53. Allegheny County established a very successful ACT 53 procedure due to an excellent collaboration between Allegheny County Juvenile Court and Allegheny County Department of Human Services, Drug and Alcohol Services Unit.
Criteria
If a parent/legal guardian feels that their child has a drug or alcohol problem, and the child is unwilling to participate in a treatment program, the parent/legal guardian is to contact the County Drug and Alcohol Services Unit. The parent/legal guardian must be a resident of Allegheny County and the child must be between the ages of 12 and 17. An adolescent care manager will screen the case for its appropriateness and then guide the parent/legal guardian through the ACT 53 process.
Procedure
The ACT 53 process is completed within four to six weeks. First, the parent(s) should contact the ACT 53 office and discuss their situation with a case manager. Second, the parent/legal guardian will be responsible to attend two court hearings. The first one will be to petition the judge to hear their case and the second court hearing will be the presentation of the parents' case and the placement decision for the minor. A drug and alcohol professional before the second hearing will complete a comprehensive assessment. The assessment, the parents/legal guardian's case, and the child's "side of the story" will all be presented to the court at the second hearing. The child will be assigned legal representation by the court. The parents/legal guardians are permitted to have legal representation, but the law does not require it. The judge will hear both sides of the case, and the drug and alcohol assessment and recommendation. He/She will render a decision for treatment or not based on the evidence presented to the court.
Third, If the child is found in need of treatment, a court order will be written and arrangements will be made for the child's treatment to begin as soon as possible. The law states that the parent/legal guardian is financially responsible to find funding for this child's treatment, whether it is public or private funds. The court accepts no financial liability or custody for this child.
The success of this program is evident in three unique areas. First, we are able to offer treatment services to teenagers who are unable or unwilling to ask for help. Second, the majority of these teens are headed for "the system", becoming either delinquent or dependent. Using the ACT 53 process allows parents and professionals to help these kids before they reach that point. Third, Allegheny County has implemented one of the only successful ACT 53 processes in the state of Pennsylvania. The parental relief found when they know their children are safe in treatment and the success of the teens themselves reflect why this law was enacted, why it is important, and why we must continue to support its processes.
If you would like more information concerning the ACT 53 law, policies or procedures, please contact the Allegheny County Drug and Alcohol Services Unit at 412-350-3952.
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Drugs and the brain
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Monday, December 18, 2006
(this was written by Margie Modro, MS,CPS Western Psychiatric Clinic & Institute of UPMC Presbyterian Drake Annex)
 Most adults realize that adolescence is a time of transition. What has also been discovered by neuroscientists is that the brain of adolescents are less developed than previously believed. Adolescence is literally a time when a child is becoming , but is not yet, an adult. These discoveries have many implications for the use of alcohol and other drugs during this developmental period. The more parents understand what is happening during this critical period of brain development, the better they will be able to respond to the needs of their children.
There is lots of information available to help parents become better informed. A good starting point is Bringing the Power of Science to Bear on Drug Abuse and Addiction from the NIDA web site. An excerpt from the full article follows....
". . .This is how the memory of drugs works: The yellow area on the upper part of the second image is the amygdala (a-mig-duh-luh), a part of the brain’s limbic system, which is critical for memory and responsible for evoking emotions. For an addict, when a drug craving occurs, the amygdala becomes active and a craving for cocaine is triggered.
So if it’s the middle of the night, raining, snowing, it doesn’t matter. This craving demands the drug immediately. Rational thoughts are dismissed by the uncontrollable desire for drugs. At this point, a basic change has occurred in the brain. The person is no longer in control. This changed brain makes it almost impossible for drug addicts to stay drug-free without professional help. Because addiction is a brain disease.. . "
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(This was written by John Clayton a member of the Bridge to Hope Family Support Group. The group meets 7 PM every Wednesday in the Donor Hall Conference Room at UPMC Passavant Hospital - all are welcome)
It was just another Monday evening after a hard day at work. Dinner was over and it was time to take a look at today’s newspaper and spend a little quiet time in “decompression mode.” There were all the usual national headlines and stories, a piece on road construction and when we might get some relief from it, re-caps of yesterday’s sports events, the editorials, the comics and local news. It was the local news that caught my attention that evening.
Yet another 19-year-old had been brutally murdered in his car in one of the more dangerous local neighborhoods. Police who were investigating the scene reported that numerous traces of drugs and paraphernalia were found in the vehicle and speculated to the reporter that the murder had all the earmarks of a drug deal gone bad or possibly that the victim had defaulted on a drug debt. In looking into the victim’s background, speaking with former classmates and neighbors, the reporter learned that the victim did indeed have a drug problem and it had been manifest since the age of fourteen.
I remember saying to myself, “What a tragedy…..19 years old, and life is over for this poor soul. What pain must the victim have suffered during that 5-year period and what pain must have been felt by the family.” I also remember saying to myself, “Thank God it wasn’t my son who died.”
After reading that jolting news and internalizing my reaction to it, I wrapped up my evening and went to bed and didn’t think much more about the story until a couple of days later, when in the “letters to the editor” section, there appeared a letter from a subscriber that was titled “Where Were The Parents?” The body of the letter took on an indignant but sincere tone as it expressed outrage and anger that the parents of this pitiful victim could have “let it happen,” the “it” being drug addiction. Although the letter’s primary question showed ignorance of the problem, it was a reasonable and understandable question to ask if the writer had never been confronted with the challenges of an addicted family member. As far as I know, no one ever responded to that rhetorical question. Here is the response I should have sent in to the paper:
“Where were the parents?” you ask. Let me tell you from personal experience where the parents were and how they “let it happen.”
They were both there in the delivery room that exciting day 19 years ago. Not only were the parents there, but also both sets of grandparents and a number of jubilant aunts, uncles and friends. The birth of that bouncing baby was heralded by the new parents as the high point of their lives as they rejoiced in the miracle that was that child.
Where were the parents? They were there when the baby needed food and shelter. They were there when the baby needed love, attention and care. They were prepared to sacrifice anything to assure that their child had the necessities of life and more.
They were there with camera in hand on the very first day of school. They were sad/happy as they watched their little tyke ascend the steps of the school bus and wave from inside. They were also there at the end of that day to greet their rapidly growing child and share the excitement and wonder of this new stage of life. This same enthusiasm for supporting their child/student continued throughout elementary and middle school. They were there to help with homework, to give advice on “pressing” social issues, to condemn disrespectful, violent and profane music and videos. They were there to celebrate successes and to counsel and coach in areas where help was needed. They shared the “heartbreak” of the first failed romance and provided positive reinforcement for every productive accomplishment. They encouraged independent thought and the questioning of things “as they are” as opposed to how they “might be.” Further, they exposed their child to music lessons, basketball camp, and other extra-curricular activities to enable discovery of any hidden or obvious talent. And yes, they spoiled their child too…by buying the “right” brand of clothes, the latest video system, the “best” games, a cool stereo system, a portable CD player….the “necessities” of teenage life. Yes, the parents were there for all of that.
They were also there the day a little plastic bag with grains of marijuana in the bottom was discovered on the floor of their child’s room. There was an almost immediate denial of the obvious….this situation CAN’T be what it appears to be. Our child just wouldn’t do this. When the confrontation occurred, the child’s denial of any knowledge of how that bag got where it was found satisfied the parents because it confirmed their strong belief in their child. And then there was the next bag. And the bag after that. And then the pills. And then the alcohol. After each discovery, the truth became more ominous, the reality of the situation more undeniable and the resulting discipline more severe.
The parents were there that day in the high school guidance counselor’s office when the first discussion of poor attendance and declining grades occurred. They were there to double their efforts helping their child to turn things around, to make a commitment to improvement and to get assurance from their child that changes would be made. All of the normal discipline was intensified….withholding privileges, removal of video games from the house, denial of use of the stereo, no TV, and “grounding.”
The parents were also there at the school a few weeks later when it became clear that their efforts had been futile and that their child needed in-patient rehabilitation. The trip to the school that day to sign the withdrawal papers was as onerous and sad as attending a funeral, but it was necessary and critical to saving the child’s life. They expressed their contempt for the lifestyle their child had adopted but reinforced their love and hope as they traveled the 85 miles to the rehab facility…and traveled it again every weekend over the next four weeks for visits.
Those four weeks of “clean time” and counseling really seemed to make a difference. The child came home with a fresh outlook and a determination to “get better.” Faithful attendance in night classes at the local community college, a resulting high score on the GED test, and the awarding of a state-certified high school diploma all added to the sense of direction and accomplishment. Narcotics Anonymous meetings, a sponsor, a job and a purpose all seemed to be converging to bring closure to this horrible chapter in the parents’ and the child’s lives. Love, hope, encouragement, support and celebration were the order of the day as things started to return to “normal.”
The parents were also there when the relapses began. They were there to help their child attend weekly appointments with a psychologist. Although disappointed and yes, even discouraged, they were there with more support, love, and understanding, while never giving up or losing hope. In this stage of reinforcement of the principles that had been counseled in the rehabilitation center and by the psychologist, the clean time lasted nearly two years and it looked like the crisis might really be over this time.
They were also there that day, after two years of relative peace, when once again money was missing from their home along with the home theater, digital camera, and jewelry. They were also there that day to observe the needle tracks on their child’s arms from heroin usage after rescuing him from a “crack” house. It seemed like the end of life itself.
Where were the parents? They were there the entire time, doing what parents do. They went to work, went shopping, took an occasional vacation, pursued some of their own interests, but through it all, they NEVER lost sight of their primary responsibility: raising their child to be a responsible citizen. They supervised their child’s development as attentively and competently as anyone could expect, and they did it ungrudgingly; in fact, enthusiastically. Nonetheless, the addiction occurred, the consequences were paid, and the struggle continued.
The next time you read about someone of any age, who was involved in a drug-related episode, please don’t immediately assume that there were negligent parents responsible for the outcome. Our son, who recently graduated from the Teen Challenge one-year faith-based substance abuse recovery program and who is about to turn 22, has given testimony in front of large crowds in churches all over the country, and to us directly, that it was NOT his parents’ fault…that the choices he made were his and his alone. Today, he is once again back on track, for which we are VERY thankful. But our vigilance in fulfilling our parental obligation is not over….it will be with us for as long as we live.
The typical parent of an addict looks and acts just like the typical parent of a child without this problem, with hopes, dreams and aspirations and a commitment to help their child achieve his or her full potential in life. The parents of addicts are our friends, our neighbors, members of our church, colleagues at work and regular folks with whom we interact every day. They are no different than any other parent….except for the challenge they courageously face every day and the tenacity with which they confront it.
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Parent Stories – Wanted
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Tuesday, December 12, 2006
This is your opportunity to share your story with others. Share something you learned. Share something that helped. Share something that you did wrong. Share your thoughts.
If you email the story to me at kene@nauticom.net I will post it for you anonymously. If you would rather post it yourself with some contact information and be listed as a contributor on the blog we can do that as well – just let me know.
Here are some ideas for stories that are just waiting to be written that would be helpful to parents who are new to this.
1. What is it like when your child is on probation?
2. What is it like when your child is in a rehab facility?
3. What is it like when your child is in Shuman?
4. What is it like when your child is in Abraxas?
5. What is it like when your child comes home from a placement?
6. What are the top 10 things you did to help your child that seem to have worked.
7. Why do you go to NARANON meetings?
8. What are some practical things you can do to help your child?
If you don’t want to write a story, what would you want to find on the blog that would help you right now. Leave a comment.
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Parent vs. Parent
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, December 09, 2006
One of the strategies of teenagers vying for power in the family is to divide and conquer. Often in group we have pointed out how important it is for parents to stand unified. To back each other up. To include each other as much as possible in the decision making. To take the disagreements to a place where teens can not hear the two parents working out their differences.
Sometimes it is important to support the other parent even when you disagree. Always, a compromise should be looked for so that both parents can feel ownership with the approach. But what happens when parents are separated or divorced, and as is often the case, there is tremendous animosity between them?
The whole thing can get very complicated. For one, the teenager who is trying to continue his addictive lifestyle will naturally play one parent against the other. He will be aware of the tensions and resentments being played out. In fact, as both parents desire to win his approval, playing one parent against the other will bring him more and more power.
And secondly, the teenager is probably going to side with the parent who is most enabling of him in his addiction. The one that most wants to rescue him from the consequences of his addiction is naturally going to be the teen-favorite. Sometimes, but not always, the enabling parent has a relationship with substances too. Therefore, he or she minimizes the seriousness life-threatening nature of the teenager's addiction. Often, there is a whole lot of drama and finer-pointing. Through it all, the teenage drug addict wants the focus to be on the parents, not on him. When parents verbally attack each other, the trap has been sprung.
I hope that a few rules or points to keep in mind will be helpful, especially for estranged parents. Some of the readers might be thinking, "Oh that's great- make some rules- but my ex-spouse won't be reading this blog, or playing by the 'rules' -so what then?" Good question. These are rules that when observed, should STRENGTHEN a parent's position- not the other way around.
- Do not trash the other parent in front of your teenager. My mother used to tell me, and I'm sure a lot of us heard this one, "If you can't say anything nice about someone- dont' say anything." Well, I would like to modify this to say, "If you can't say anything nice about each other don’t say anything at all IN FRONT OF YOUR TEENAGER." Blaming each other takes the focus off the teenager. Especially, this is true when parents blame each other for the teenager's addiction or for his most recent relapse.
- You can't say anything bad about someone's mother! Period. No one puts up with that. And often, you can't say anything about their father either. It makes people angry and defensive. Naturally they defend the parent who is being attacked. So, if a mother trashes the father, the tendency will be for the teenager to move closer to the persecuted in an effort to protect that parent. In a sense the whole thing backfires. Likewise, if you are being trashed by the other parent, rest assured that if you do not trash back, it will backfire.
- Both parent's intentions are good. Both parents love the teenager and want that teenager to be successful. It is only the manner in which they go about it that makes people at odds with each other.
- Take some responsibility for what has happened. Realize that you choose this mother or father to parent your teenager. At one time, you believed that this person could be a good parent. Probably they ARE a good parents in many respects. Your teenager should never have to choose between you and your spouse. He can and should have you both.
- The more support that you give to your ex-spouse's effort to parent your teen, the more power will flow back to you. It is paradoxical in some ways, but showing support for your ex-spouse in front of your teenager, puts you "above the fray." It is good to be seen as above the fray. Otherwise, you are seen as petty and small minded. Remember, this is always about your teenager and his drug problem. It is not about the two of you and how much you may hate each other.
- Stand up for what you believe. Confront your teenager and, when necessary, confront the other parent. However, there is a difference between standing up for what you believe in and attacking the other person. There might be a fine line to walk here. When possible, take the disagreements outside of earshot of the teenager.
- Neither of you is responsible for your teenager's addiction. Maybe you both feel responsible because of mistakes that you have made. You both may find that you swing between believing that the other parent is "killing my teenager" and worrying that you yourself have set the stage for your teen's demise into drug addiction. We all influence each other and it may be that you both have played a role; however, it is now the teenager's responsibility to take or not take the first one. As the adults blame each other - no one holds the teenager responsible for his own choices. Even though we can not change the past- we don't have to let it hold us hostage either. Amends can be made and many things that looked hopeless can yet have a happy ending.
- If you teenager travels between your two houses, attempt to keep the rules consistent. For example, if your teen is not allowed to contact old friends when he is at one house, but he can contact them when he is at the other parent's house, the one is undermining the other. If the other parent refuses to support your teenager's sobriety ten do not let them visit the other parent. (Don't trash the other parent- just do not allow the visit until you believe that they will be supportive of your teenagers' sobriety.) Or, if the other parent will not maintain Conditions Of Supervision that you have worked out with your teenager's Probation Officer, then do not let them visit the other parent. An example of how this might play out where the parent is walking a fine line between not trashing the other parent and not allowing the visit. Consider this role-play:
Mom: I have some bad news honey. Son: What? Mom: I know that you very much wanted to spend the weekend with your father, but the way things are right now- we can't do that. Son: Why not? You hate dad! You never want me to be around him! You made him leave us in the first place cause you are such an idiot! Mom: Well it hurts me that you think so. Nevertheless, you can't go to see him this weekend. Son: You haven't told me why though have you? Cause you hate him and you're just jealous that he has a new girlfriend whose is younger than you are! Mom: You're absolutely right about something honey. Good point. I have not told you why you can't visit. And as long as you treat me disrespectfully I won't bother to explain anything. Son: You can't do that! Mom: Regardless Son: I'll go anyway. Mom: It's not acceptable. Son: Why? I hate you! Mom: Nevertheless, this is non-negotiable. Son: What are you going to do, turn me into my PO if I go? Mom: Of course I talk with your PO all the time. You know I won't lie for you. Son: What am I supposed to tell dad? Mom: Have him call me. [Walks away.] PHONE CALL BETWEEN MOM ANS DAD LATER (teenager is not around.) Mom: Hello Dad: What's this sh*t about you trying keep me away from my son again? Mom: Yes, I'm not surprised that it looks that way to you. Dad: Well that's what it is. Mom: Do you want to discuss this now? Is this a good time? Dad: Yes of course I want to discuss it now- that's a stupid question. You are so full of yourself. So self- righteous. Like you know what's best for everyone all the time. Mom: Well now is good for me too, but I have to tell you something first and you not going to like it. Dad: I never like what you have to say. That's why I try to avoid you at all costs. Mom: Fine. But you seem to want to talk to me know. So listen up- ok? I'm not going to feel like repeating this. Dad: Go ahead Mom: I won't discuss this with you if you are going to attack me or treat me disrespectfully. If that happens again in this conversation, then I'm hanging up. I have to tell you that I've been making some changes around here and if you can talk about this in a fairly decent fashion, I would like to share some things with you. Dad: I'm listening. Mom: It's ok that we don't see eye-to-eye about things. And I do want you to visit your son- God knows- I could use a break. But it IS NOT in my job description as your son's mother to any longer accept being verbally abused by you or by your son. So, if YOU need to speak to me about anything- you have to do it in a respectful way. And if you want to give your son a tip- tell him that the party's over- from now on he will not get his way by ranting and raving. In the past I gave into him just to keep the peace. Not any more. Dad: Ok, what else? (sounds exasperated.) Mom: He can't stay overnight at anyone's house anymore. It's not just your house. It is not permitted by his Probation Officer and I agree with that completely. Dad: That's ridiculous. I'm his father. Mom: Because you are his father, an exception CAN be made that he can stay at your house- but not anyone else's house. And he can only stay at your house if you contact his Probation Officer and let him knows that you agree with and will follow his Conditions of Supervision. I have a copy here that I can email you if you want, and I have his Probation Officer's name and number here. He said that he would like to talk with you. Dad: I don't have time to deal with this guy. You tell him I'll look the thing over, and that's it's OK that I take him this weekend, OK? Mom: Sorry, I know that you are busy, but I can't do that. Dad: I'm not getting involved with these government types. They are assh*oles. They don't care about our son- they are just cops! Mom: Nevertheless, that is the only way. But I am disappointed. Dad: Why is that? Mom: Because I think it would be good for him to spend some time with you. I know he misses you. You are very important to him. Dad: Well, why is this contact with his PO so god dammed important. (The tone of his voice is calming a bit now.) Mom: Because he has a life-threatening disease of Heroin addiciton and we are trying to keep him clean and positive about his recovery. You know, so that he doesn't have to get sent away again and so that he stays alive. That's why the rules are so strict around here, and we need to know that they will be strict at your house too. Dad: Ok, ok, ok. I'll call this guy. But I hold you responsible for all this bull shyt, and if you had done what I told you to do years ago, he wouldn't be on Heroin. You know that dont' you? Mom: Yes I know that you think that his drug addiction is all my fault. Nevertheless, here is the PO's name and phone number- do you have a pencil?
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We had a small intimate meeting with six parents. We started the meeting off with role-plays. The subject was getting your teen out of bed in the morning. Especially, if your teenager is actively questioning your parental authority, it is very important to establish yourself as Parent-in-charge by making sure that he is out of bed at the prearranged time.
We had fun with a different kind of role-play that featured God talking to two parents. No offense was meant towards any one's spiritual beliefs. The following is not an exact representation of the role-play, in fact, I added some extra stuff. Anyway, something similar actually happened in Group.
God: Well, you guys called this meeting. What is up?
First Mom: Well, why did you make this parenting job so hard?
God: Ahhh, it is almost impossible sometimes, isn't it? I mean, supervising kids who are doing drugs is sooooo hard. How do you make sure they aren't out getting high, or associating with the wrong people? You aren't with them all the time, are you? That seems to be the problem.
Second Mom: Yeah, you made this job really hard.
First Mom: Why the hell did you even make me a parent?
God: Now, now now [wagging finger] let's watch that language.
First Mom: [smiling] Oooh, OK, why the heck, did you even make me a parent?
God: Well, I designed it as a volunteer position.
First Mom: Well, things happen that you don't really plan for.
God: Yes, that is true.
Second Mom: Well, why did you make it so impossible to supervise our kids, especially when they have a drug problem?
God: Yes, well that is a good question. I'm not sure this answer will make sense to you, but sometimes things are hard. That is pretty much the way I designed this whole "free choice" thing.
[Pause.]
God: But one thing I will say, is I knew when i designed this job, that it would be tremendously difficult for some. So, I programmed in some special features that can make the job easier.
Second mom: Yeah? Pray tell?
God: Well, since you put it that way! You see, the problem with a lot of it, is that you are not with your teenagers all the time. You can't be. So, since you are not there with them, and they have the "free-choice" thing too, it is very difficult to guide them. So, to help you assume your rightful place as Parent-in-charge, I designed a few quick methods. The idea is that once your teenager accepts that you are "in-charge," then they will not question you so much on a lot of these other hard-to-supervise issues.
God: For example, while you can not be with your teenager all the time, you ARE there when they get out of bed. And getting someone out of bed is the easiest of all the parent responsibilities.
First mom: How is that easy? I have a really hard time getting mine out of bed.
God: Oh, well I designed it to be easy. You see, they are ASLEEP, and when i designed "sleep" I made sure to make the person who is sleeping HELPLESS. So, if they are asleep, then you are only limited by your own willpower and your own imagination as to when they will get out of bed.
First mom: But they wake up mad!
God: Exactly! An angry person cannot sleep! Therefore, you have gotten them out of the bed and established your parental authority. Now, if you do that consistently, then you will have established yourself as Parent-in-charge, and your teenager, angry as he/she is, will "tend" to follow your other parental expectations.
God: If, on the other hand, you can't get them out of bed, or if you struggle with taking an hour to "coax" them out of bed, then your teenager has established himself as "Teenager-in-charge." Quite naturally, if your teenager sees that you can't even get him out of bed, then he will assume that you can't manage them in the trickier areas.
God: Also, there are other "easy ways" that I have programmed into this job, just so that you can establish your position as Parent-in-charge. For example, you have the magic word "No." It works in many situations, and you should get a lot of mileage out of that word. Watch out for that one though- if you feel you have to give a good reason for each time you use it- it gets weaker.
God: "Nevertheless" and "regardless" are other magic words that can really pay off. Part of the magic that i built into these words is that the more you use them, the more power they tend to assume. If you take advantage of these simple "quick methods," you will find that you have more power than you had before.
Second mom: Just how are we to get them out of bed?
God: Different approaches will work, as long as you are clear and consist. For example, let them know what time you will give the first warning call. Let them know that there will only be one warning, or you insist, only two warnings. Tell them what time you will make it impossible for them to sleep. You do not have to tell them the exact method that you will use, e.g., water, or just stripping the bed of bedclothes, loud music playing or whatever. But you can tell them if you want. It is pretty much impossible to sleep through a cup of water on the face.
God: Then, the hard part, is FOLLOW THROUGH. Of course you teenager will be angry. So? That is the price you pay to be the Parent-in-charge. Let them know, however, that any assault will be reported to Probation Officer and/or the police. In fact, if you have a Probation Officer, make sure to include him/her in on this plan. Working closely with the Probation Officer always makes your position stronger. Come to think of it, I had the idea for making Probation Officers right after I realized how difficult this parent job could be. I said to myself, "you know this is going to be really hard for some parents, and I'm going to have to send in back-up." So, that's how it all came about.
Well, I hope everyone had fun with this ice-breaker role-play. Next, we did a role-play where the mom was setting the stage to get her teenager out of bed. She was clear with him about what time he would "find it impossible to sleep." She also told her teenager that he would get up on Saturdays, for a while, as well as Monday through Friday. Of course, the teenager was incensed by this idea and pointed out that he did not go to school on Saturdays. The mother pointed out that he would get up NEVERTHELESS, simply because she wanted him to get up. Chores for example, needed done.
Well, lets go back to the whole point of getting your teenager out of bed at a particular time. If the main goal is to establish that you are "Parent-in-charge" then seizing Saturday is a coup d’État for the parent. It's clear that he is getting out of bed at the predetermined time, because the parent says so. Also, if the teenager is already out of bed when the parent goes into grant the first warning call, a special reward may be in order, because this demonstrates that they can get themselves up now, quite an accomplishment for a teenager.
It's always important when we talk about the Power thing to remember that power can also be corrupting. Keep the relationship healthy by giving lots of positive encouragement and accepting that your teenagers have their own feelings and while they may make wrong choices, they don't have wrong feelings. This is the double edge of parenting- once you establish a little power, show some generosity in other areas. Be supportive. Be fun to be around. Be creative with compliments, make a favorite breakfast for the teenager, and let him "win" in some other areas. But darn it, get those young men and women out of bed and on schedule in the morning.
One parent shared this story. Her son is in a half way house for men. He planned a trip home, one in which the mom had to pick him up and transport, so that he could hang out with a peer with whom he used to shoot heroin. This mother questioned him as to why he thought that it was ok to hang out with this old recovering peer. This interaction went something like this:
Mom: Why would you think that its ok to hang with John?
Son: Hes in recovery now.
Mom: But you used with him.
Son: That doesn't matter.
Mom: You said it mattered when you said it would be bad to hang with Frank. What makes John different?
Son: I said it would be bad to live with Frank, not to hang with him. All i want to do is hang with John:
Mom: No I don't think that is right. You are both triggers for each other.
Son: You put me in this house and its full of heroin addicts!
Mom: But you didn't use with those addicts.
Son: I don't see the differnece. You know, if you wont' let me do anything I want, then why am I even workin so hard to stay clean?
Mom: It sounds like your recovery is hangin by a thread today, son.
Son: You just make me mad is all, and that makes it hard for me to stay clean.
Mom: I'll come out there and visit you if you want.
Son: No, if I can't come home and hang with John, just forget it!
Mom: OK
Then, mom follows up by calling the house manager and sharing the above. The manager confronts the son and the other people in the house confront him. In fact, hangin with people that you used with early in recovery is not recommended, even if both of you are in recovery now. This young man has ten months clean, but the "Mom-count" is less than a month, because he has been in placement for nine months.) Later in recovery, it may be acceptable to hang with people with whom you used.
The son calls the mother and admits that he was wrong. He asks that she still come down for a visit. Hats off to this astute mother. She used the "no" word as discussed above with good results. She also identified this as NOT ENABLING her son. Further, she called the house manager so that this issue could be aired out. Remember, our secrets keep us sick. If we keep the secrets for our teenagers then we enable them to remain sick. Put some light on these issues by disclosing to someone.
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