Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST)

Mt. LebanonPSST Meeting - Saturday Feb 18

2012-02-13T13:54:00.005-05:00

Next PSST Meeting - Saturday February 18 in Mt. Lebanon from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m.

We will meet at the Mt. Lebanon United Methodist Church, 3319 West Liberty Ave, Mt Lebanon, PA 15216

PSST would like to sincerely thank Mt. Lebanon United Methodist Church for providing their first class facilities for our PSST meetings. This is yet another example of how MLUMC has been reaching out to South Hills Community for over 100 years.

If you are a parent seeking help because your teenager is abusing drugs or alcohol and your home and family life is spinning out of control please attend the next PSST Meeting.

You will discover that:

You Are Not Alone – It’s easy to feel isolated in this situation. It gets tougher and tougher to make excuses for, to cover up for and to bail your teen drug abuser out of bad situations that they have created. There are many of us here at PSST that are have been through this. We are here to reach out to help you.

Addiction Is a Disease – Your teenage child is sick. It doesn’t make them a "bad" person but they will do bad things. If not brought under control their addiction will affect every member of your family and often contributes to family break-ups.

- Addiction has a pattern of symptoms which are similar across all types of substance abuse

- Addiction is a chronic condition. It doesn't go away. There is no known cure for addiction.

- Addiction is progressive; its progression can be arrested at almost any stage. If you are seeking treatment for your teen, it is of the utmost importance that you get professional help. Addiction gets worse with continued use. The sooner that you seek professional help the greater chance you have to save your child’s life.

- The addict is subject to relapse. Without Recovery many addicts will die as a direct result of the disease; either through an overdose, an accident while under the influence, a disease brought on by their addiction or a drug deal gone bad.

- Addiction is a terminal illness – Unless the addict accepts their own Recovery they will end up in prison, in an institution or dead.

Addiction is treatable. The good news is that its progression can be arrested at almost any stage if the addict will work their Recovery Program. Many addicts already experience successful family, college, business and social lives while working their Recovery.

ENABLING BEHAVIORS - "Every addict needs someone to Enable them"

ENABLING BEHAVIORS range from providing your troubled teenager with money, cell phones, driving privileges or internet access to hiring expensive attorneys or paying their bail and fines to accepting their excuses, covering up for them and their bad behavior to simple denying that there is a problem.

Enabling behaviors directly and indirectly support the vicious cycle of never-ending problems and pain of addiction for the entire family.

When we stop enabling,we allow the addict to experience the consequences of their out-of-control behavior.

We no longer wake them up, loan them money, or bail them out of jail.

Come to the next PSST Meeting and begin working on ending your Enabling Behaviors

While there are no quick fixes, at the PSST Meetings we learn from parents who share the same issues and from professionals on how to cure our codependency and how to end our enabling behavior.

Besides other parents that have experienced what you are going through and what you are feeling PSST is made up of Allegheny County Probation Officers and family therapists from Wesley Spectrum.

REMEMBER: We are not here to judge you, we are here to assist you to get the help that you need.

Click on the link below for directions:

Mt Lebanon United Methodist Church

3319 West Liberty Avenue
Pittsburgh, PA 15216,
from 9:00 - 11:30 a.m.

- Look for the PSST sign on the door.

C'mon and join us. There is no cost or commitment

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Nature VS Nurture - by Wilma

2012-02-13T13:53:00.003-05:00

Nature vs Nurture?

This is an age old question when trying to understand behavior. I think many of us PSST parents struggle with this question when trying to understand our substance abusing teens. And as an adoptive mother (and there are quite a few of us in PSST who are adoptive parents) I can't help but wonder. Bam Bam's birth mom had substance abuse and psychiatric problems herself.

And I found out recently that Bam had found one of his brothers on facebook. At first I didn't recognize the name. What caught my eye was this boy mentioning placement and tagging kids he had known in placement so I thought that maybe this was someone Bam had met in placement. then I noticed the hometown linked it with the kid's name and put the puzzle together. And this brother was busted for his involvement in knocking off a convenience store with a gun and had posts about being high. And he is only 16 years old. We have not had physical contact with the birthfamily in about 13 years. So here we have two brothers, not raised together, but both with substance abuse problems, placements and crime. Bam was picked up for shoplifting once and not charged but I suspect that wasn't the first or last time he just hasn't been caught again. But I know that in my own biological family we have had alcoholism, suicide, crime, mental health problems. So even if Bam was my biological child we still had our own skeletons in the closet. I think I was (am) a good mother and did the best I could. I feel that I nurtured him gave him unconditional love, stability. I know i'm not perfect, far from it. And there are kids out there with worse environments who don't turn to drugs and alcohol. Could I have prevented this? Probably not. I just hope that eventually he "gets" it and turns his life around. He is making some progress but I'm afraid when the ankle bracelet comes off, even with probation, he may not be able to resist the influences of his friends and his craving for weed and alcohol.

Wilma

Virtual PSST Make-up Meeting

2012-02-13T13:30:00.003-05:00

Virtual PSST Make-up Meeting

Sorry about the last minute cancellation of the Wexford PSST Meeting due to the snow. We all know that addiction issues do not take "Snow Days".

We would like to try a "Virtual PSST Meeting" - Sally and I will start with our comments and you are invited to enter your own or to respond in the comment section.

If you have too much for the comment section that is not a problem - please send an e-mail to sallyservives@gmail.com at the top right hand corner of the Blog.

Sally and Rocco: Our son Cisco is 19 and has been in and out of recovery programs since he was 15. We have been coming to meetings on a regular basis since May, 2009. Cisco is now off of juvenile probation and we are thankful (like Violet) that he is still alive and has no charges or legal issues pending. He is about to complete 30 days of a recovery program that he went into on his own. He tells us that he is able to handle his recovery better because nobody has forced him to do it.

He will be returning to our home on Wednesday and going back to his job on Friday. We have a contract ready for him spelling out that he will continue to work his recovery, show respect to his family and his home, stay away from any mind altering substances and illegal activities, allow us to work his budget with him and other rules concerning people, places and things.

He understands that the consequence of any violation of the contract is finding somewhere else to live. He understands what this means since he did it for almost two months and says he does not want to do it again.

We are thankful for where we are and that we have control of our lives and our home. We are thankful where Cisco is as this time. We accept that we are where we are supposed to be and of course we are thankful for everyone's support at PSST.

We will continue this "One day at a time."

If you can still pretend, you can still change.

2012-02-12T12:26:00.008-05:00

Click here to see the source of this picture

People don't change because they can't imagine themselves changing. It's a wall that each of us puts up. That way if we don't try to change we can't fail at it.

While change is the most difficult thing that each of us do, it's also a very simple thing. That is to say it's not rocket science. It's easy to understand the idea of change but difficult to implement change. That's where pretending can help.

Think of children. One of their primary play activities is pretend. Pretending prepares us for real change; however, as we get older we cease pretending.

Consider our teens in inpatient. We are of course disappointed when we see our teenager "pretending" to change. We know our teen is full of it; however if we realized that "pretending" is the first step to taking down the barrier to change, then we might feel different about it. Pretending helps the teenager to imagine the actual change thereby making it possible, but of course not guaranteed.

The same principal can work for us. Parent's who are beginning to attend PSST sometimes can't imagine themselves standing up to their own teenager. Try pretending. Try pretending that you are that really tough parent that you admire at PSST. What have you got to lose?

If you do try pretending keep this in mind. Just like the teen in the rehab, it doesn't help him if he just pretends now and then. He has to attain a consistency to his pretending or else it won't fool anyone. Once he attains that consistency, he can actually trick himself into real change. By pretending consistently he has really imagined himself changing. It's a case of: "from time to time is a waste of time."

Therefore, if you do try pretending, try to be consistent with your change. After a month you can look back and evaluate. For example, if you tried to use "nevertheless" and "regardless" each time that your teenager tried to manipulate you then pretend that you will do that for a month. You don't have to be perfect with it but continue the effort consistently.

I think most of us agree that we need to be ready to change before we can change. Some people would disagree with that. Some people would say that a change of behavior comes first and the change of behavior actually changes the way you think and feel and viola, you become ready. Either way, you don't really have to even feel "ready" if you're just pretending to change. And, you can make it fun if you try. Wasn't pretending always fun when you were a child?

For some it will be difficult to pretend. Some will become focused on the question, "But what comes next?"

This is the crux of the matter. If you focus on "what comes next" you successfully stop yourself from changing. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am and the change process if stifled.

There is a saying in 12-step: "More will be revealed."

I love that saying because it works just as well for people of faith as it does for the Agnostic. You don't have to think that your higher power is the agent revealing "more" but you can if that fits with your faith. However, it's also possible to believe that "more will be revealed" because that is simply the way the universe works. The experience of being alive is that one thing is revealed after the next. Like an onion, layer after layer of things being revealed to you. It's not possible for everything to be revealed at one time. Just imagine that! We would be so overwhelmed.

In other words don't focus on what happens next. Let tomorrow take care of tomorrow. Tomorrow you will be in a better position to see things clearly. If I can borrow from the Bible:

John 21:6 He said, "Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some." When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish.

What would you like to change the most but don't think you're ready? Cast out your net. Pretend. Do it every day for a month. Then see what's in your net.

If you can still pretend you can still change.

Reflections - by Violet

2012-02-11T15:00:00.005-05:00

Reflections:

As I read the posts I am brought back to the days of not so long ago filled will despair. I have seen myself in many of the situations filled with doubt as to the commitment and sobriety of my son, and to the ability of my parenting skills. Which surface all too frequently, but not this day and the rule I try to embrace is, for today that is good enough.

I am in a different place than many of my PSST comrades and at times feel that my contribution may be limited but I would like to update my journey in the hope that others may realize there is an end to this madness. Oh, it doesn't come quickly. It doesn't come because your child has some miraculous epiphany. It comes, over time, because you have changed. In time, you decide what you will tolerate. In the interim your child is getting older and through practice you are able to make your decisions by detaching with love thereby harboring less guilt and shifting the responsibility where it should be, on our children.

So, with that, back to my story.

In the not so long distant past, through the darkness of suicides, death, moving, fires, floods, overdoses, psychiatric disorders, police, arrests, county jail, homelessness, rehabs, relapses, and juvenile probation, we have emerged to a new level of uncharted waters. The young adult. Oh yes, there were many times I could not imagine my son living this long, yet here we are.

Sal, is now 20. A young 20 due to years of drugs delaying his mental development. He is in his 2nd year of college, (can you even believe I can say Sal and college in the same sentence).The holidays were the first time he was home for longer than a few days in a very long time. While he is in my house the hyper vigilance, room and body searches, limited friends, accountability and consequences all continue. I find I am much better when he is away than at home and I no longer feel guilty with that realization. I have accepted that he has been given all the tools for life, it is now his choice which path he travels down. I will help him any way I can as long as he is sincere about his accomplishments as well as his failures. I am comfortable with the decisions I need to make, whether it be easy or extremely hard. I have the tools, thanks to PSST, to keep him in my home if he's on track or put him out if he is not. As you know the realization that he is responsible for his actions did not come overnight or even over several years, yet it has come and I now have some type of peace knowing just as he controls his destiny, I have control over mine, at least for today.

The fights are gone. My actions are more deliberate now. An example: He is supposed to return my calls promptly. I don't know about all of you, but if I don't hear back from him in my mind, he is high, in trouble or just doing something he shouldn't. The new part is that I can't control his actions so I calmly turn off his phone and go about my day. He finds a phone to call me back and the usual protests of, you won't be able to talk to me if I don't have a phone are no longer met with fear and guilt but answered with, your right, I won't. So now he has to think, his usual antics are not effective, so surprisingly an apology comes. The phone gets turned back on. Several test calls are given and he responds. Should he not, off it goes for longer. What is amazing to me and mind you I am an educated person, is that a slight twist in my response brings a different reaction from him. Who would’ a thought!

Yes, I still get crazy. Our alcohol and valuables are still under lock. While he was home, we were loading up my car. I had my keys (which contain the keys for the alcohol and valuables) on me and used them to open my car. We get in the car to leave and my keys are gone. Well of course I blamed Sal. I searched him and his room. Accused him all day. Insisted if he didn't turn them over he would have to leave. He calmly kept saying he did not take them. Then as I get into bed that night, contemplating my course of action, I step on my keys that had fallen on the floor. I apologize to Sal and tell him at this point he will always be first suspect. He just said I know mom. Not so long ago this scenario would have played out much differently, mainly because Sal would have had the keys. The growth for both of us is that I did not feel guilty accusing him and he accepted that he has much work to do to change that.

I do not drug test Sal at this point. That may change if he is allowed to stay with me this summer. He also understands that staying with me is my decision based on his actions or lack of them. Being that Sal used K-2 in the past, a clean drug test for him doesn't mean he's clean, I use his behavior and my gut as my guide. This is not for everyone, but at this point for me it works.

I saw Sal Friday at college. I find I need to inspect him to determine how I feel he is doing. His psychiatrist has advanced his visits to every 2 months now. He doesn't need his medication to sleep every night. We talked. He looked well. Clear eyes. Eye contact when speaking. His weight was good. Then I got a flat tire. Normally that would have caused an outburst on his part and he probably would have called for a ride back to campus. But something different happened. He got out to put on the spare. He told me to put on the emergency brake, but I didn't feel he was right, what did he know. So he said nothing and the car slipped off the jack about 6 times. Each time he just put it under the car and kept working away. It was about 12 degrees out that day. A good Samaritan came after about 40 minutes and asked what the problem was. Sal told him the car kept slipping off the jack. The man said do you have the emergency brake on. Sal looks at me and said, Mom, I told you we needed to have that on. So, I put it on and low and behold he gets the job done in no time. Now in another day not so long ago, this would have caused a terrible scene. I said sorry son. He said that's o.k. Mom. I rewarded his behavior with a small amount of cash which got a thank you to which I replied no son, thank you.

So, in this life of an addict’s parent, I hold on to those small moments of progress, I remember the past and understand that tomorrow is not promised. But for today I have a smile and that's just good enough!

Violet

I Am Thankful - by Violet

2012-02-11T14:50:00.005-05:00

I wanted to share in a somewhat light and humorous way some of the things I have become thankful for as only parents of addicts can appreciate. Not to make light of any of my daily blessings, but that's for another time.

I Am Thankful:

That I moved 60 miles to a new city, left my family and friends, bought another house (my old one was paid for), enrolled my son in a private school in an attempt save his life. (Who knew then, addicts can find drugs anywhere.)

That I have the courage to make the hard choices through all my tears and heartbreak.

That I am not bankrupt from all the theft caused by my son.

That the thieves he brought in my home that robbed me did not harm anyone.

That all the property he destroyed can (eventually) be replaced.

That the bullets fired at my car, on two separate occasions did not harm anyone.

That I was strong (or maybe stupid) enough to physically fight for control of my home and I was not seriously injured. ( I am a professional, do not attempt.)

That the fire that destroyed my new house 18 months after I moved in, while we were sleeping, was not caused by my son and no one was harmed.

That the flooding of my other house (which at the time I had not sold) was not caused by my son and no one was harmed.

That I no longer have to check my son while he's sleeping to see if he's still breathing.

That the overdoses, attempted suicide, dealers and living on the street did not kill my son.

That I will forgive(maybe) but never forget those who pretend my son doesn't exist.

That I am not the only one who has Shuman, the jail, family court, the police, Western psych, Resolve, Probation and various placements in their GPS and speed dial.

That the police no longer know us by our first names.

That even though I live with alarm systems, security cameras, deadbolts and coded locks, I still call it home.

That my boys and I have not totally (although that can be debated on occasion) lost our minds following witnessing the suicides in our lives.

That I still have a job, considering all the days used dealing with the court and placements.

That I no longer want to assault all the "perfect families", who think what to wear to prom is a problem.

That there is medication for my blood pressure, depression, anxiety and stress.

That I understand Addiction is a disease and the 3 C's that go with it.(Didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it).

That in our Juvenile system there are professionals that care.

That I have found skills, support and friends at PSST who do not judge.

That as you are reading this you are nodding your head in understanding.

That there is always a chance that tomorrow will bring a new today!!

Violet

I Don't Smoke, I Only Vape - by WIlma

2012-02-11T14:43:00.005-05:00

Well, here is something I haven't heard of. In checking Bam Bam's text messages he has one from a "friend" asking for money for the magic flight box he is buying. Of course I have no idea what this is so check the internet and what do you know another device for smoking weed or rather "vaping". I found a rave review on marijuana.com. I have never heard of "vaporizing" so had to go to my favorite website, urbandictionary.com, to find out what the heck this is.

Now he can inhale the weed vapors instead of smoking a joint. And it says that it makes toking up at home or in a dorm much less risky. Since Bam is on home detention he might be thinking this is a way to keep "smoking" without the odor to alert us. Of course, he is still being drug tested but I think his need for weed is greater than fear of being positive. He also continues to use chewing tobacco in his room which is against house rules but a battle I'm not picking to fight at the moment as Fred and I are not on the same page with this. I wonder if he'll try "vaping" the chew??

I have attached a word document with some definitions.

Wilma

vaporizer 259 up, 27 down
The most efficient way to smoke weed. Fully releases all of the THC from the weed, saving your lungs from the abuse of J's, spliffs, and blunts. You will exhale a white, ODORLESS vapor, making toking up at home and in a standard college dorm room much less risky. Gets you more high off less weed, pays for itself.

vaporizer 2 thumbs down
The most efficient way of consuming substances found in herbs by avoiding combustion and the various health risks that are accustomed to smoke. Cannabis vaporized is proven to deliver most of the active ingredients found in the plant (cannabinoids, flavinoids, etc) while avoiding the majority of tar, carcinogens and unwanted chemicals. The vaporizer does this by heating the herbal blend up with heat by using hot air (convection), a safe metal heating plate (conduction), or sometimes both. The extracted cannabinoids turn into a mist (or vapor), and is less irritating to the lungs, therefore reducing coughing and allowing you to inhale larger hits. Since THC can be destroyed by combustion, the total % of THC inhaled per hit is much more than smoking, therefore reducing the amount of herb used for desired effect; in the long run saving you money. By using heat right under the threshold of combustion, many chemicals found in smoke is not present in vapor. The temperatures used are from 314.6 F - 400+ F. When a vaporizer is first used, it tends to become the preferred method consumption, producing a positive, very cerebral head high. Many of the couch lock effects from smoking will be left behind, leaving you to want to get up and do something like socialize or get tasks done, instead of being a lazy couch potato. The biggest change people notice from making the switch to vaping is a HUGE reduction in phelgm, and the dreaded Smokers Cough

vaporizer 259 up, 27 down
The most efficient way to smoke weed. Fully releases all of the THC from the weed, saving your lungs from the abuse of J's, spliffs, and blunts. You will exhale a white, ODORLESS vapor, making toking up at home and in a standard college dorm room much less risky. Gets you more high off less weed, pays for itself.
We're gonna come back from the party and hit the vaporizer and get RIPPED

A Parent Asks for Advice on Act 53

2012-02-11T14:36:00.008-05:00

TO ACT 53 OR NOT TO ACT 53?

We are in a predicament about whether to go through with the Act 53 papers. Or not.

It would help a lot if my husband and I agreed fully on it. He will support my final decision but at this point I am exhausted and tired of doing all the foot work myself.

This could be the last foot work I may have to do since my daughter will turn 18 this May 24. Also she left and is living at another kids house because of her knowing I was looking into Act 53. She is only a block away and we know exactly which house so that is reassuring.

There is just no crystal ball to know whether this is the best way to go or my husband's thoughts are let her go and this will not last. Then when she comes to her senses she will ask to come home and then she will be given the stipulation that she can only come home after she gets into a rehab.

But I asked him if she knocked on the door this cold wintry night do we let her in and then expect her to look for this rehab? Or do we refuse the minor in the door?

If she gets back in, can she then not look for the rehab and refuse to leave?

Then we are stuck and back to keeping my purse always locked in our triple locked "fort" which is our bedroom.

Make sure the car keys are locked up there to and any medication including the dogs medication is locked up.

And who is to say she will not again do drugs in the house that she buys from the local stores (orange extract, Unisom sleep aid, Benadryl, cough syrup etc). Right now she is with so called fellow friends who she claims are treating her wonderfully.

So if I have her ripped out of there because being accepted by peers is her life long dream since she was bullied so badly at high school we had to remove her for her own safety (suggested by the school).

PA Cyber-School did not work so she is at this time a drop out. After her summer drug rehab that she came out of fantastic and herself and happy for the first time in 5 years.

The goal was for her to get a lot of NA meetings under her belt, get her GED, driver's license, job, and prepare for college courses.

None of the goals where met due to one issue and relapses we dealt with within 6 weeks after getting home.

Please tell me more about your experience with ACT 53 and the other PSST parents who dealt with this dilemma.

Thank you,

Two Tired Parents

Ralph a Proponent of Home Drug Testing

2012-02-08T12:08:00.007-05:00

Alice and I have been drug testing Ed and Norton at home for several years. The point of home drug testing is about knowing the information that we need to make good parental decisions concerning our teens. For example, "Is our teen just being a teenager, having a medical issue, or is she using drugs?" The answer to that would mean a drastically different approach to helping your son or daughter.

Ed and Norton would often lie about their drug use. In the early days, that was confusing to Alice and I, because we were led down a path by manipulation. Then when we did start drug testing at home, it was hard because we were accused of not trusting them, and Ed and Norton found several creative ways "cheat" on the tests. But, if we had it to do over again, I'm sure that we would still start home drug testing as soon as we suspected or knew of problems. The tests avoid the fuzzy decision making, some manipulations, and sometimes false accusations.

We have used mostly urine test "cards" or "sticks" that need less than an ounce of urine and about 5 minutes to react and dry. We have also used the saliva tests. For us, the urine cards were easier and less expensive. We've also found that the accuracy of the cards is way above what you need for a home test. If the reagent turns a color, even lightly, that is close enough that your teen has passed. A little bit of drug goes a long way to keep the reagent colorless.

The test sticks cost roughly $1 to $2 per drug tested, and come in 1- to 12-drug test cards. There are tests for most drugs, except the Spice/K2 fake incense and artificial cannaboids and the newer "bath salts" drug concoctions. Depending upon the drug and the amount used, you can catch many drugs for up to 2 weeks after last use with these sticks. This is enough that statistically, you can catch all drug use with just a weekly drug screen, and be pretty sure with a bi-weekly test. Alcohol is a little tougher. You will need to catch it within a few hours to 2 days, and I only know of saliva tests for it. Hopefully someone with more knowledge about alcohol tests can comment to this post.

Remember this rule: "If you refuse to take the test, you are dirty/fail the test." You will probably need it. Also, as I mentioned, Ed and Norton were very good at cheating on these tests at first. You will need to make sure that your teen has no access to water, liquids, or other solid contaminates during the sample collection.

Test cards and other test equipment can be obtained from three different types of locations, depending upon your preference and comfort. First, some local drug stores have test kits available at the store. These cost a little more, but for non-regular testing, if you can find the test you desire, it is easy to pick one up while you're doing normal shopping.

The second source is a local company. Jim Musiol of DTx (One Step Detect Associates) in Jefferson Hills visited a PSST meeting in May 2010. You can buy the same cards and kits from their office or from their web site:

One Step Detect Associates
1474 Route 51
Jefferson Hills, PA 15025
1-888-822-7120
http://www.1stepdtx.com/

Finally, a family-owned mail order company in Maria Stein, Ohio called Test Medical Symptoms will ship an order out, arriving in just a few days in a plain brown box. They have telephone and web-based ordering. There are discounts for web ordering and sometimes sales of soon-to-expire tests.

http://www.testsymptomsathome.com/
1-888-595-3136

Above all, Good Luck! It is not easy to parent teens with addiction, and hopefully you can find a way to make home drug screening a tool to help you and your teen to "keep it real", as Alice and I did.

Bromo-dragonfly (B-fly) is the new kid on the block

2012-02-07T13:01:00.002-05:00

Take a look at what kids are attracted to when it comes to synthetic drugs. As they say, the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know.

Get on YouTube and look at the thousands of videos posted by teenagers about their high on salvia, Bromo-dragonfly, K-2 and bath salts – all easily available synthetic drugs are available on the internet.

Synthetic drugs are full of contaminants and are made by amateurs. No one can ever really be sure what they are taking and in what dosage.

Dragonfly: What This Deadly New Drug Means for Your Family
By Joseph Lee MD - Medical Director of Hazelden’s Youth Continuum
Dr. Oz Show © 2012 ZoCo1, LLC

From doctoroz.com

Synthetic or designer drugs have been around for some time now, but they have been surging in popularity in the U.S. over the past decade. There’s synthetic marijuana, synthetic amphetamines (i.e., K-2, Spice, Herbal Incense, Bath Salts), and an ever-growing list of synthetic hallucinogens, including Dragonfly, all easily available online for any half-determined individual.

Despite the rash of synthetic-drug-related headlines in the past year, I find many parents and adolescents still feel these issues don’t pertain to them.

These problems are often imagined to exist in lower income parts of cities, “…not in our neighborhoods” and certainly not in our homes. Gauging current trends, however, there are plenty of reasons for every family to become aware. I hope the information below helps some families out there from suffering a preventable tragedy.

Bromo-dragonfly (B-fly) is the new kid on the block.

What Is Dragonfly?

Bromo Dragonfly is one of the dozens of designer hallucinogens with an increased presence in our communities. There are many cousins of Dragonfly, most famously the “2C” drugs, such as 2C-B and 2C-E. All of these chemicals work on serotonin, and change the way we feel and experience the world through our thoughts and senses.

Bromo-dragonfly is the name for another synthetic amphetamine modified from the common phenylethylamine structure. The name comes from the molecular structure that resembles a dragonfly.

Users love the hallucinogenic properties that are just less than those of LSD and the longer duration of effect, which may be more than several days. Typical doses are sold commonly in the form of blotters (paper that is soaked in liquid then cut into square tabs).

In 2007, an 18-year-old woman in Denmark was found dead after ingestion of a hallucinogenic liquid later found to be Bromo-Dragonfly. This case led to B-fly being classified as an illegal drug in Denmark on December 5, 2007. Several reports of deaths and toxicities followed.

Bromo Dragonfly is extremely potent, meaning that a very small dose has a very big kick – even a minor overdose can be disastrous.

Confusion, heart problems, hallucinations, seizures and even death have been reported from the consumption of Dragonfly, and it has been banned in several other Western countries. Moreover, many of the individuals who have suffered from its use were first time users.

Young people are now routinely treated across the country whose minds have been devastated by the impact of various synthetic drugs. Many of them get better, but the hallucinations, paranoia and disorganized thoughts can last months.

Why Would My Child Use Dragonfly?

Let’s be realistic. Young people have, and probably always will, experiment with substances.

Though risk-taking and novelty-seeking may be expected, easier access to drugs (usually online) and an endless stream of incomplete open source information (usually online) are newer trends.

Combined, these variables give some very false and very dangerous confidence about using these substances “safely.” The legal gray area that many synthetic drugs reside in certainly does nothing to discourage such a notion.

There is, an increasing number of young people who find that their social reputation improves significantly as they become amateur experts in obscure drugs. They innocently, but ignorantly, give advice to their friends about how someone else used safely before, how to mix the chemicals, and what they should expect.

All of this occurs without any knowledge of drug interactions and preexisting medical conditions. There is very little accountability when catastrophe strikes.

Some young people who buy Dragonfly actually believe they are buying acid or another drug, only to fall victim. This is because most of these designer drugs are full of contaminants and are made by amateur laboratories. No one can ever really be sure what they are taking and in at what dosage.

Why Is This Stuff Legal?

Dragonfly and many other synthetic drugs are currently not regulated on a federal level. The problem is that these chemicals can easily be altered with slight changes in structure to evade regulation. It also takes time for legislation to pass, creating an endless catch-up game for government agencies.

These drugs are bought online sometimes from other countries, so jurisdiction is another problem.

How Can I Protect My Family?

In the end, parents are the CEOs of their home. If your family is currently in crisis or you have strong suspicions, there are a number of ways to safeguard your home.

This includes tracking credit card statements, screening packages that come to the home, and especially tracking Internet browsing histories.
If you are in a desperate situation, don’t feel bad about doing what is necessary in your child’s best interest.

That being said, the best way to prevent drug use is to establish a culture in your home that preserves both safety and dignity.

Parents need to clear about the expectations they have regarding drug use. It’s equally important to withhold judgment so that children won’t be discouraged to communicate with you in times of need. The best parenting styles for drug prevention are authoritative, meaning that while parents are emotionally available and compassionate, they hold firm boundaries and expectations.

Most Importantly – Get Help

All of us are blinded by the love we have for our children and no one is consistently an objective observer of themselves and their families. If you have any concerns, pediatricians, mental health professionals, substance abuse counselors, and school resources can all point the way to effective screening and evaluation.

Perspective and Prevention

Bromo Dragonfly will not be the last drug, synthetic or otherwise, to make headlines, but it does represent some new trends in drug use.

The Internet’s role in drug use, easy accessibility, and murky legalities are all now a reality for many families. It’s up to parents, teachers and health-care professionals to protect our loved ones through education and prevention.

Dr. Oz Show © 2012 ZoCo1, LLC

Dr. Oz Investigates Dragonfly – Part 1

Dr. Oz Investigates Dragonfly – Part 2

PARENTS: IF YOU KNOW, OR EVEN SUSPECT, THAT YOUR TEENAGER IS USING DRUGS OR ALCOHOL OR IS OTHERWISE OUT OF YOUR CONTROL PLEASE COME TO THE NEXT PSST MEETING. PARENTS SURVIVAL SKILLS TRAINING ARE OTHER PARENTS REACHING OUT TO HELP YOU.

You're right! Nevertheless comment by Joy Y.

2012-02-04T20:42:00.003-05:00

This post from Joy Y originally posted May 11, 2011. Joy Y identifies herself as a Canadian PSST reader.

Today at a record breaking PSST meeting where 27 or 28 parents, (still counting heads) attended, "Ralph Kramden" pointed out not to forget to use these power words when I was doing a role-play. Earlier, "Joan" pointed out that she had used nevertheless to make a strong point with her daughter too.

Original Post: "I have learned from (from Max and Lloyd) that there are two words / phrases that are extremely powerful (1) "you're right" and (2) "nevertheless." When used sequentially (in that order), they have power beyond the sum of their parts. Joy Y.

Thanks for the comment, Joy Y. It seems to be more powerful when you give real agreement to something, as opposed to lipservice, and not apply the nevertheless like a negating "but."

Also, these two work well with "I'm NOT comfortable with that."

What a Week! - submitted by Wilma

2012-01-28T14:03:00.010-05:00

WHAT A WEEK !! by Wilma

Just a quick update since Sunday – so how can so much happen in just a few days??

We did confirm that Bam was having a little "party" on Friday night and probably both Saturday and Sunday while he was "studying" for mid-terms. All this while on Electronic Home Monitoring and probation.

Sunday night I noticed Bam's skin was really red and asked if he had taken niacin, but he adamantly denied taking it. He was red from using old acne wash – hmm, how did it cause not only his face but his whole body to turn red?? He didn't look quite right and went to bed about 8 PM and was asleep in 20 minutes. I checked his phone and found text messages telling someone he was red as an apple from taking niacin to get weed out of his system. I guess he was a LITTLE worried about the drug test he was to have the next day at rehab.

On Monday, my gut told me to check his room. I found water and Gatorade bottles that smelled like flavored vodka, a shoe box with empty beer cans, and a baggie with a little bit of weed left in his closet. Add this to the tiny bag that smelled like weed that I found Sunday morning. I also accidentally found the niacin stash in a bag that had waterproofing stuff in it. What a start to the week!

Bam was mad at me, and on the way to his dual-diagnosis program he was telling me to turn around and go back, but I refused. He left the appointment after about 15 minutes, mad at the counselor and refusing the drug test. On the way home he kept changing the story of how the vodka bottle from Saturday (I mentioned this in a previous post) got into the house. I know he was trying to get the girls back to our house and I think Fred was caving on this again.

He was really agitated and kept asking me not to tell his P.O., so I just told him to stop talking and that I was not discussing this in the car. All I could think of was that he was going to grab the steering wheel while were driving in rush hour traffic, and kill not only us, but some poor souls trying to get home from work! When we got home, I felt like a wrung-out dishrag.

Fortunately on Tuesday we had our first meeting with Bam's P.O. I gave him the box with the evidence from the weekend, and we found out that on E.H.M. he was NOT supposed to be having company, even to study!

And I found out today, not even to drop by. (Monday Bam had a couple kids drop by because he supposedly owed the girl $5 for a t-shirt and the boy had to use the bathroom). Fred was on duty for this incident. Interestingly, Bam then had a new can of Copenhagen.

Yesterday he told his dad that a girl was dropping by with more chew EVEN AFTER we told him he is not to have it in the house, but we kept firm that was not happening, (and of course I found out that was a violation of his E.H.M. too). Bam was not happy with this, but Fred and I were ecstatic.

My thoughts all along were NO FRIENDS, but I think Fred feels bad that Bam is stuck in the house, and also Bam just wore him down so he gave in to letting the friends over. And what was supposed to be 2 girls turned into 3 girls and another boy.

Then the P.O. went over the rules and conditions with us, and Bam just sat with a stormy expression on his face. Time to drug test, and Bam was pulling the old I-can't-pee-maybe-next-time routine. I think he thought he could outlast the P.O. and dodge the test, but the P.O. just told Bam to drink up! (Bam always tries this in outpatient and, I think, with some success.) NO WAY! The P.O. was not leaving until the test was done, and what a lot of stuff to test for.

And, not surprisingly, Bam tested positive for WEED just two weeks after being in court. He also tested positive for something else found in prescription pain killers, but Bam denied taking anything like that. I'm not so sure. Sunday night he just seemed so out of it – who knows what he got his hands on!

Didn't we talk recently about how it gets worse before it gets better??

Boy does it ever. It still amazes me that he is pulling all this while under supervision. But he now knows I am not keeping secrets from his P.O. He's already learned that I'll speak up in court. Of course it's all MY fault his life is so miserable, and has nothing to do with his actions or behaviors. Last night we had big arguments over chewing tobacco and money. At 17 he thinks he should be able to do whatever he wants, and I told him he's just going to have to find a place where he can live by his own rules if he doesn't like ours. And in just over 4 months he will be 18.

One of the sad things is he has been accepted to college (I am happy for him about this) – however – will he be able to get it together enough to follow the stipulations of his consent decree, to get off probation, to be able to function on his own away from home, and to get out of the cycle he is in where his focus is on getting money to buy the weed/alcohol/whatever, get high, and do it all again tomorrow?

On Wednesday I accidentally discovered his Facebook page open and found disturbing behind-the-scenes messages that, in addition to text messages he's sent, indicate he is involved in dealing. Some of the messages are about him paying money owed or things will get rough for him. Very scary. I still can't believe he's put himself in this position. Also, last night he talked Fred into helping him take the storm window out in his room so he can get some fresh air! Life is tough on house arrest, but I think the Shuman Resort would be a little less comfy than it is here.

So, I'm sure he will continue to test and push us, but how far will he go?

Wilma

Teenagers & Control

2012-01-27T03:00:00.001-05:00

Mitt Romney recently compared his campaign for the presidency to a teenager, saying “There are things you can do to improve the odds of a teenager making it through those teen years and being a productive adult. But it’s not entirely in your control.” How right he is!

While a teen is in placement, he can choose to follow the rules & earn his release, or he can choose to remain stubborn and find himself there for months longer than expected. He can embrace his recovery and a return to normalcy, or he can just go through the motions. He can commit himself to following home pass rules long enough to be successful, or he can go home with the intent to fail. He can agree to follow the rules of probation, or he can earn himself a stay in another placement. For a teen desperately in need of maintaining control, he is constantly deciding if he is willing to accept the consequences of his self-destructive actions, and so often the answer is YES.

Our son Dylan has been in placement now for 9 months. He has struggled mightily, breaking rules regularly and suffering the consequences. He earned Guide status & then lost it again. He has earned home passes, but refused some of them and failed the others. It is inexplicable to us, but he is following his own path. We don’t know if that path will lead him back to us or not. It’s not really something that we can control.

USE YOUR INSTINCTS NOW by Wilma

2012-01-26T22:04:00.002-05:00

I got this in a fortune cookie yesterday and I think its for all of us PSST parents and anybody else going through what we are going through: "Use your instincts now."

Wow, when I opened that I knew it was the perfect fortune. With everything that has been happening with Bam Bam it is right on the money. My instincts told me there would be trouble this past weekend and I was trying to ignore them, have Fred be responsible for Bam's visitors but trouble there was. So for all you out there listen to your gut, intuition, whatever you call it because it will be right. - Wilma

Lyrics by Cisco

2012-01-26T20:46:00.007-05:00

When we tested Cisco on December 5th and the drug test turned up positive Rocco and I told Cisco he could not live at our home. He lived haphazardly for over a month; going from one friend's house to another, using drugs and spiraling downward until he hit bottom and could not find a place to lay his head. He asked for help and on January 17th he went back to First Step to detox. He did well all week and they think he has turned the corner. I say, time will tell.

I was going through some paperwork today and found this poem that Cisco wrote about a year ago. I felt good when I read this poem and it helps me to see Cisco for who he truly is. My son first, an addict second.

Soldiers

Sensitive, caring, honest and sharing.
Cautious and humble, get back up when stumble.

Responsible, hardworking, successful, all earning.
From you guys I'm learning, to you guys I'm turning.

No genes, no hair color, eye color don't matter,
You were there when I climbed to the top of the ladder,
Got stuck in a rut with defeat so apparent,
...this man and this woman, these people, my parents.

So cold and so lonely, so high and unaware,
Thought I was alone,
Not acknowledging you were there.

I went down those stairs,
Closed my door from your love,
Not knowing how bad,
I was hurting those above.

Pushing and shoving and swearing and breaking,
Smoking and drinking and cutting and taking.
Leaving and fighting and crying and shaking.....
You never gave up and for this I am thanking.

Mom and Dad, you've got stronger as parents,
As people, you're soldiers, not weak, not embarrassed.

Some day when I'm older,
And you're given a break,
With me and Joe's children playing down by the lake,
Our blankets our baskets,
What dreams once seemed fake,
We'll be the ones,
Serving food on your plates.

WIlma's Update on Bam-Bam

2012-01-21T18:58:00.010-05:00

UPDATE ON BAM-BAM - By Wilma

Since the meeting was canceled due to the bad weather conditions here is Bam's update for this week....

This week I relapsed-Bam Bam had been using his dad's cell phone as his had been damaged after a swim in the toilet. Fred will let Bam use his phone when Bam's is out of commission but Bam switches out the sim card so that his friends call him on his own number. I was checking to make sure Bam had put Fred's card back in the phone and saw there were text messages Bam forgot to erase. I couldn't help myself-I looked at them.

And did not like what I found.

Bam-Bam had some texts going back and forth about purchasing/selling alcohol and wanting to buy an e-cigarette since he is not allowed to smoke at home. For those who hadn't heard Bam Bam is on home detention.

Finally on Thursday he got the ankle braclet. I confronted Bam about the texts and of course he is the innocent party and he isn't buying anything but this kid is thinking Bam is selling and THERE IS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT!

Nothing is going on! I'm not so sure.

Just two months ago Bam Bam was contracting by text messsaging to purchase vodka (Pinnacle Whipped) and we found the state store bag, receipt and a water bottle of the stuff BUT he was innocent! He was just "holding" it for someone.

According to him "It was all a misunderstanding." Don't think so.

I was upset with myself for caving in to the temptation of checking the phone. I want to get out of constantly feeling like I have to check the phone, his room, his bags. If he messes up again the consequences are steeper. He has home detention right now and is on probation even though we haven't yet heard from his probation officer. And in five months he will be eighteen.

Today he has a couple kids coming over to study for midterms (they really are next week) so for now I will take that at face value. And as always hoping for the best.

Wilma

Love You Forever - submitted by Wilma

2012-01-16T12:00:00.000-05:00

How many of you have read the book "Love You Forever" written by Robert Munsch and Illustrated by Sheila McGraw??

This is one of my favorite books to buy for new babies. It was given to us when Bam Bam was born and I just recently purchased it for Bam Bam's nephew. Bam is adopted and his sister gave birth to a son in September, so earlier this month I decided to buy a gift. As I figured the new baby was probably inundated with clothes, I bought a few books that were our favorites.

The first time I read this book, Bam was probably a couple months old and I read it to him while holding him in my arms - and cried. As my tears were falling on his face, he kept blinking them away (probably thinking "who the H#!! is this nutcase?!).

But here is the part that I am crying for now: "The boy grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was a teenager. He had strange clothes and he listened to strange music. Sometimes his mother felt like she was in a zoo! But at night time, when that teenager was asleep, the mother opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor and looked up over the side of the bed. If he really was asleep she picked up that great big boy and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked him she sang: I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living my baby you'll be."

I still look at Bam Bam when he is sleeping and wonder where is that little boy? Of course, he is way TOO BIG for me to pick him up, but I wish I could pick him up again and rock him in my arms and smell that baby smell. That of course has been replaced by the smells of Copenhagen, Marlboros and weed.

My hope is that SOMEDAY he will come back to me. I miss the old Bam Bam, and even though he is really mad at me now, maybe at some point we can have something of the relationship we once had.

Wilma

Pierre's Attempt to Avoid Shuman by Brigitte

2012-01-15T16:34:00.007-05:00

Pierre's Attempt to Avoid Shuman by Brigitte

Thank you everyone for your sound advice and support today at the meeting.

Here is an update (if you weren't at the meeting this post might be hard to follow). We ended up finding Pierre a mere 1/4 mile away sleeping at a friend's house. We took him home for a shower and were getting ready to take him to Shuman. He told Francois he was going inside to tell me goodbye. He came in the house, said goodbye and walked out the back door unnoticed.

It took several of his friends, the manager of Foodland, and the local police to help us locate him 4 hours later. He is now sitting in Shuman. He will have a walk-in hearing on Tuesday. We are hoping that he will be admitted to Outside In soon.

Francois and I are taking this all in but in a somewhat bewildered state.

It all transpired so quickly from our point of view, although it's obvious that things were happening that we were unaware of. He won't own up to the missing $400. His friend told me that Pierre said he came into money because of a mistake in his paycheck.

Really? Because last time I looked, he didn't have a job.

Even more amazing was that the mistake from his nonexistent job amounted to $400. What a coincidence!

It's been a long day and Francois and I are both feeling dejected. The good part is that we are no longer wondering IF he needs inpatient. He let us know loud and clear that he does.

Brigitte

Online resource, Empowering Parents- Bridgette

2012-01-12T13:20:00.004-05:00

Click this caption to go to online newsletter

Hi all,

I don't know if any of you are familiar with the late James Lehman, but his practice sends out a free newsletter for parents, mostly dealing with oppositional behavior. They advertise a program that they sell, but there is no obligation to buy anything. I've found some of the articles in the newsletter to be helpful, lots of PSST stuff in it.

Bridgette

What Goes UP . . . written by Brigitte

2012-01-09T12:40:00.005-05:00

NEWTON HAD IT RIGHT

What goes up, must come down, especially when you are dealing with drug-addicted teens. Pierre has proven this theory repeatedly since he came home from inpatient 5 months ago. He has only been clean for a span of 6 weeks at a time. Relapse, consequences, relapse, you get the picture. Most recently, he tested positive on a home screen and swore on his mother's life (YIPES!) that he was innocent and something was wrong with the test. Took him to the dr. to get a gas chromatography test and it was . . . positive. I was ducking lightning bolts and black cats the whole week.

He is back on home detention, spends weekends at Shuman resort, no car, no phone, no friends. He has outpatient treatment daily and goes to NA meetings 3-4x/wk. The good news is that he is not abusive or defiant and we are not missing money. He treats family members and counselors respectfully and even went to his grandmother's house and cooked her dinner. The bad news is, well, that could change at any time if he continues to use. His goal seems to be to get off probation, not weed. Francois and I feel that a third round of inpatient may be around the corner. Either that or, when he turns 18 in May, he moves out and tries out his fantasy life of working, living with "friends" and smoking weed when he wants to. That may be the epiphany he needs to see life without the safety net. I wish we knew the best route to take.

Bam Bam Goes to Court - by Wilma

2012-01-09T12:40:00.003-05:00

BAM-BAM HAS HIS DAY IN COURT - By Wilma

Well today Bam Bam had another hearing in court again for ACT 53 and the charges we filed.

The paperwork we had gotten in the mail for the charges said it was for a "Pre-trial" conference. We had this in November and nothing really happened. I thought it would be the same today and that we would have to wait another couple months for some action but fortunately it wasn't.

Bam was not happy and his face showed it but he did not have any outbursts in court.

The cast of characters included the judge, TWO attorneys for Bam - One for ACT 53 and one for the charges, a D.A., the P.O., me (Fred stayed in the waiting room), our H.S.A.O. coordinator and the ACT 53 case manager.

I was prepared, after talking with ACT 53, that Bam most likely would not be going into placement as his dual dx program had said in a letter he was making moderate progress. Also, our judge doesn't like to send kids to placement. (I wish we had Judge Daisy from PSST)!

There was a lot of back and forth among the lawyers and the judge. The lawyers and PO had a few things more to iron out and the judge left for a little break.

Then he came back and we continued. The DA really wanted to send Bam to placement however the P.D.'s and the judge really didn't want that. They got testimony from ACT 53 and then asked me to speak.

I led with the statement that Bam was out of my control and that I was fearful for our lives. That got notice from the judge and he asked me to continue. So I went through the Thanksgiving weed ordeal and how Bam told me if I didn't give him money to pay people for the weed they would kill/hurt him and me. I talked about how Bam IS NOT following any guidelines from when we were in court before, mentioned him becoming verbally abusive when I wouldn't give him money or a check.

I was asked EXACTLY what Bam said so I told them how he called me a f##ng piece of s#!!.

I also talked about the text messages on his phone that seemed to me that he not only is using but dealing. I also explained that he isn't going to school like he is supposed to. I mentioned the "x-box/i-pod incident" from April where Bam told us people might be coming to shoot us and our house so we took him to file a police report.

I also said that I was concerned that Bam is using weed and I don't know what else and taking (5) psychiatric drugs.

The judge was not happy with Bam and made it very clear to him. I was asked what I thought would happen today and I did say I thought with everything that was happening Bam would go to placement but you could tell that IS NOT what the judge wanted.

The DA tried many times to get that to happen. She did seem very convinced that he was in trouble. I wonder if the police would have done something when I found the weed and took it to them if it would have made a difference?

There had been some talk about the ankle bracelet so when they said Bam wasn't going to placement I asked if he was getting an ankle bracelet and the judge ordered one.

So the verdict that came down today is that Bam Bam is going to have a consent decree, probation, an ankle bracelet, court ordered D&A re-evaluation, community service, some fines to pay and court ordered family based counseling.

We were supposed to have family based counseling before this but I found out last night that Bam wouldn't give permission to his outpatient counselor to fill out the form for referral. Even though the judge said at our last hearing that we were supposed to have it.

Bam-Bam was ordered by the judge to have a drug test before we left court. When we went for that Bam was saying of course he couldn't do it. As we had to wait for the male screener he said he was hungry so I took him to the little cafe.

When we came back he said he just wanted a positive and to not have the test but he was told no way. Then he asked if he could just go talk to the judge! I thought we were going to be there until 4:30 but someone said he had to do it or go to Shuman.

Anyway, I was on the phone calling Verizon to set up the line for the ankle bracelet and they came up with an oral swab test which he did. And it was positive.

I could have said I didn't want to bring Bam home but I honestly did not want to get into an ordeal with CYF. I was already drained and exhausted from just getting him to court and going through the hearing. It's so difficult being the parent and the person filing charges.

Yesterday Bam told me and his counselor he wasn't going to court. She told him a warrant would be issued for his arrest and a deputy would come for him but he didn't care.

On the ride home he told me he wasn't going, I said a deputy would come for him and he said he would just shoot him. I asked how was that happening and he told me he could get a gun if he wanted to! (I did tell this to the judge).

I think he was just trying to show he was in control of the situation but thankfully this morning we had no problems getting him to court.

So, for now, we wait and see.

Wilma

Is the Skinner Box broken?

2012-01-08T22:36:00.026-05:00

A lab rat in a Skinner Box, a controlled environment designed
to reinforce desired behavior, photographed in 1964 by
Lina Neen/ Time and Life Pictures/ Getty Images.
Click here to go to source.

Things tend to get worse before they get better. The time frame is an individual thing; however, one pattern seems to hold true: as parents quit enabling the teenager's behavior regresses. One way to look at it, is that the teenager is trying, using his old methods but at a higher level of intensity to remain in control.

One can see this same behavior in laboratory rats who have been trained to push a bar. When the scientist changes things so that the reward is no longer dispersed when the bar is pushed, the rat will go crazy at first pushing the bar with abandon. Eventually, he learns that pushing the bar, no matter how hard, no matter how fast, is to no avail. Until he "gets it" he does what he knows best: push, push, push.

Dispersing the reward is called reinforcement. There are two types of reinforcement: "Intermittent Reinforcement is given only part of the time the animal gives the desired response. It is often used instead of Continuous Reinforcement once the desired response is conditioned by Continuous Reinforcement and the reinforcer wishes to cut down or eliminate the the number of reinforcements necessary to encourage the intended response."- Intermittent Reinforcement Wikipedia.

Which type of reinforcement do you think is more powerful? Continuous or Intermittent?

If you said Continuous you would be right. But wait. If you said Intermittent you would also be right. It's a trick question. In the beginning Continuous Reinforcement is more powerful in shaping new behavior. However, Intermittent Reinforcement is more powerful in setting behavior.

We are interested in extinguishing negative behaviors in our teenagers. We are also interested in shaping new behaviors. Let's look at extinguishing negative behaviors first.

If there has been only Continuous Reinforcement, which means that every time the teenager acted out he got what he wanted OR he got serious attention then his behavior would theoretically be easier to extinguish than if he was only Intermittently Reinforced.

Take teenager Joe. He got what he wanted OR he got serious attention every time he acted out- it was Continuous. Suddenly, his parents went to PSST and when they returned home after the meeting, they immediately quit enabling. They completely quit capitulating AND they quit giving serious attention because they also quit arguing about things. Theoretically, teenager Joe's acting out behavior would be easier to extinguish than teenager John, who only got what he wanted OR got serious attention one out of three times that he acted out. Teenager John's behavior should be significantly harder to extinguish.

Think of it this way. The rat who has had Intermittent Reinforcement knows that the bar only works part of the time. To him, it's not that weird that it's not working because there have been other times when it didn't work. The rat who got something every time he pushed the bar can more easily see that the bar is broken. It always worked before, now it doesn't, therefore it must be broke. This rat's bar pushing behavior is extinguished faster.

What does this have to do with extinguishing teenager's negative behavior?

It is relevant because of this: most parents that begin to attend PSST don't stop enabling immediately after the first time they attend. The process of change might begin right away but it's not an overnight change. That sounds normal enough. Change is after all perhaps the hardest thing we humans do; however, by changing over time the parent is actually now switching from what might have been Continuous Reinforcement to Intermittent Reinforcement. The parent is now unwittingly, "setting" the negative behavior making that behavior harder than ever to change. In other words, the parent is paying for inconsistent application of a new parenting technique.

Now lets look at shaping new behavior. Continuous Reinforcement is actually the best and once established, changing to Intermittent Reinforcement to "set" the behavior. Now it becomes more important than ever to catch the teenager doing something right, and then reinforcing it every time the parent sees that behavior, at least for a while.

For example, you see your teenager being nice to his younger sister with whom he usually fights and argues. You make your move. You approach him and say, "Joe, I'd like to speak to you alone please." Joe probably wonders if he is in trouble. Once you get him alone it might go like this:

Parent: Joe, I saw what you did.

Joe: What? what did I do?

Parent: Well, you surprised me.

Joe: I did?

Parent: Yes, you did. When you told Julie that if it was that important to her to watch Survivor on TV, then she could change the station even though you were watching one of your favorite's DR. Who. That was very mature. Very adult. I'm impressed.

Joe: Oh, really?

Parent: Yes, I think that was a huge thing for a big brother to do for her little sister. You were being a great big brother Joe.

Joe: Not really.

Parent: Oh?

Joe: Naw, I saw that one before and it's not one of my favorites. I really thought Survivor might be more interesting.

Parent: Nevertheless.

Joe: No, I'm just tired of Dr. Who, that's all, don't make such a big think out of it.

Parent: Ok, OK, I hear you. Very modest about it huh? Good for you cause that also shows me you're growing up Joe.

Joe: It does?

Parent: Yes it really does. I remember a time when you would have argued with Julie about that even though you might not have cared what you watched. You would have tortured her just for fun.

Joe: Yeah, you're right.

Parent: Look, I didn't want to embarrass you- that's why I took you aside, but I just want you to know that I see what you're doing, OK?

Joe: OK, can I go now? I want to watch Survivor.

Parent: sure, [big hug and the parents holds it for a half second longer than usual and then gives her teenager an knowing look before she unhands him and he scampers away.

OK, what happened here? First, the parent's mission was accomplished: This parent caught the teenager red-handed doing something right.

Second, the teenager didn't want to accept any credit. This parent is shaping behavior, and this teenager was not comfortable with the new label, "adult", and resisted. This teenager might not want to see himself the way that parent saw him.

Third, the parent used a power word, "nevertheless" to seal the deal. This parent continues to see the teenager in the new way- mission accomplished again, i.e., catch the teenager doing something right.

From what we said above, now the parent needs to follow this up by catching the teenager in other acts of "adult behavior." Obviously, the approach is going to streamlined:

Parent: Hey,

Joe: what?

Parent: You're doing it again aren't you?

Joe: Doing what?

Parent: Acting all grown up.

Joe: What the hell does that mean?

Parent: You took out the garbage.

Joe: That's my job.

Parent: I know. But usually I have to nag you half to death and tonight you did it without me becoming a total bi&ch. Nice move.

Joe: [blushing a little] ha ha you're funny.

Parent: Sometimes. Right now I'm serious as a heart attack.

As we mentioned above, at some point you wouldn't reinforce every positive act, but in the beginning it is more effective in shaping behavior to acknowledge things.

Keep in mind that this parent has accepted the mission of catching the teenager doing something good. This parent has accepted the challenge. There has to be some things the teen does that is a step in the right direction and the parent is going to find those acts and reinforce them. Other parents are going to miss those acts.

Let's be clear. Continuous and Intermittent Reinforcement of good behavior is only one tool in the box. If you teenager is still actively using drugs, then catching them doing something right isn't going to get him to quit drugs and fly right; however, it is a skill that some parents never develop and that can hurt in the long run.

Notice that the parent in this scenario only rewarded with praise and attention. Some people believe that attention is the most powerful reinforcement known to man. Some parents get into the rut of only really giving serous focused attention to their teenager when they do something wrong. That's a recipe for disaster. Positive attention giving is very important. It is also important that the parent sees the behavior first before they apply the reinforcement although as we saw above, the parent can loosely interpret "good behavior."

For example, if while a teenager is exhibiting negative behavior, such as not doing his chore, and the parent approaches the teenager and has a discussion about why he doesn't do his chores and does he realize that is he doesn't do his chores the whole family will never get to go to Disney Land, then he is not effectively applying these principals. First of all, the attention is applied when negative behavior is happening and that reinforces that negative behavior. Secondly, the positive materialistic reward is also applied (talked about) when the negative behavior is rearing it's ugly head. It is bribery. Bribery doesn't work to good because the good stuff either happens when the behavior is bad or the good stuff is talked about (introducing the idea of the reinforcement) when the bad behavior is happening- so unwittingly the parent is reinforcing the wrong behavior.

To summarize: when a parent begins to stop enabling and yet they still do enable part of the time, they have moved into Intermittent Reinforcement, which makes it even more difficult to help that teenager change their behavior. People don't change overnight but it just so happens that inconsistency is expensive.

Secondly, when shaping new behaviors it is the parent's challenge to catch the teenager doing something good and applying positive reinforcement right then. Once again, consistency is helpful here but only in the beginning. Once the behavior is established it's better to only acknowledge the good behavior part of the time.

No one changes overnight. Still, let's start by changing our awareness. What is happening when you give attention to your children? Do you give more attention to the negative behavior or more attention to the positive behavior? Are you inconsistent? Do you not enable nine times out of ten and suddenly find that you are too tired to fight the good fight and you just give in this one time and let them have their way even though you know it's not the right thing to do? That's human nature but the inconsistency is going to cost you and it's going to be expensive.

Take the challenge. How many good things can you catch your teenager doing? Can you be consistent? That's one heck of lot of good parenting if you can pull it off? It's easy to write about but the real challenge is to go out there in the real world and execute the plan.

Let's finish with this quote for teachers based upon Skinner's work:

"Implications For Teacher in the Classroom:

"The interesting thing that Skinner discovered about intermittant reinforcement and maybe one of Skinner's most important discoveries was that behavior that is reinforced intermittantly is much more difficult to extinguish than behavior that is reinforced continuously.

"This is why many of our student's undesirable behaviors are so difficult to stop. We might be able to resist a child's nagging most of the time, but if we yield every once in a while, the child will persist with it." (Crain, 187) Therefore, when we begin to teach a desired behavior it is best to begin with continuous reinforcement, but if you wish to make a desired behavior last it is best to switch to an intermittent schedule of reinforcement."

Footnote: Drug abuse is also an example of Intermittent Reinforcement: perhaps the teenager didn't have too much fun on three of his LSD trips, maybe even he had a lousy time, but if that fourth time turned out to be an absolute belly laughing until your sore highly euphoric time then the behavior is learned. Or even though part of the trip (the coming down part) might have been not so hot, the fact that there was a tremendously fun part earlier in the trip means that intermittent reinforcement has set the behavior.

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A Recipe

2012-01-08T00:00:00.005-05:00

No, it's not a recipe for saving your child or saving your sanity, but it's a recipe that has been asked for repeatedly at PSST meetings. Peanut butter bon bons!! (Thanks, Alice, for your recipe for an easy-to-make and delectable treat!)

Download Peanut Butter Bon Bons recipe in a Word document.

Two steps forward...

2012-01-04T07:40:00.007-05:00

The better our teenagers do on probation, in recovery, and in their lives- the more we expect. However, the ebb and tide of the recovery process usually, if we are lucky, gives you two steps forward and one step back. If we aren't lucky, then one step forward and two steps back. As we often say at PSST, we learn from failure.

Also, sometimes we have to make the same mistakes over and over until we get it. In recovery people talk about "getting sick and tired of being sick and tired."

The positive thing for most of the teenagers of our parents that come to PSST is that when our teenagers make mistakes, they usually don't get away with it. We apply consequences for bad decisions. We allow the natural consequences for bad decisions to take place, refusing to rescue our teens from the predicaments in which their bad judgment or drug abuse has put them. That helps the learning from failure thing to work.

One question that comes up a lot is this: Why, if they knew they would probably get caught, do they do it anyway? And searching for that answer sometimes leads one to surmise this: there must be something bothering them, that if we could just figure out what that is, and sort of fix it, address it, treat it, whatever it, and then they would not relapse.

Let's look a bit closer at this logic. They relapse. Therefore we didn't get to the real issue. "None of the rehab people were able to get my teen to talk about what was really bothering him. If he could talk about what was really bothering him, if someone could just get him to talk about it- he could stay clean." What makes this logic a tough nut to crack, is that there is some truth to it.

Yes, indeed there are issues galore. No, the teenager had not talked about all the issues. Would it help his recovery if someone could help him talk about all these issues? Probably. However, in recovery from highly addictive drugs, we must factor in one other huge thing to this equasion: EUPHORIA.

The extreme high that the addict feels is such a powerful reinforcer that it can outweigh the certain consequences that will follow. At the time the teen wants to get high, he doesn't care about the consequences because he knows that for a short time he will experience the bliss of drug use. The drive to get high can also be more important than whether or not certain issues have been resolved.

So, what are we left with? Are we powerless over our teen's recovery from addiction? Yes, of course. Only our teenager can decide that they want to change their life.

But are we powerless over our own parenting activities? Hopefully not. We can send powerful messages to our teen addict by the actions that we take or fail to take. And sometimes that can help. For example, since we know that recovery from highly addictive drugs happens more often when the addict is working a strong 12-step recovery program, we can devise parent-strategies geared to enhance or support the recovery process. Can we work our teenager's recovery program for him? Of course not. But if we know that our teenager is not serious about his recovery, we can see the relapse coming down the road. If a parent chooses not to address this- then all one can do is wait for the relapse. Of course we all know how risky that can be. Each relapse is not only devastating in so many ways but each relapse runs the risk of death.

If the addict is taking two steps back, they're pleading for rescuing can accelerate. As the addict becomes more and more desperate to continue his addiction he needs a prime enabler. This can be misinterpreted by his loved ones who are also his potential prime enablers. In other words, it can look a lot like the addict finally 'gets it' when, in fact, all he really gets is that he has to be more insistent, more urgent, and more manipulative in order to keep getting enabled.

Keeping in mind how powerful euphoria is, the consequences, both those provided by parents and/ or by life has to be at least equally as powerful. If it doesn't cost the addict anything, he will not change. Even if he has epiphany after epiphany, he may continue to abuse drugs and participate criminal activity.

"People change because they feel the heat, not because they see the light." (Ed from Gateway Greentree.)

It all comes down to this: the actions that a parent takes to stop enabling are the most important acts of love. Sometimes it's actions and sometimes it's just doing nothing at all except not rescuing. In either case, stopping enabling could be the hardest thing one does, watching while the addict tumbles and/ or spirals out of control.

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New Years Resolutions

2012-01-01T11:45:00.012-05:00

Click here to go to original cartoon.

I resolve for 2012...

1. To stop having too large of an opinion of myself. I am not able to answer every one's problems. I am not that powerful even though sometimes I wish... I have to let people struggle with their own problems and offer help only within certain limits, and remember that if I'm trying to work on some one's problems harder than they are working on their own problems, something is wrong.

2. To remember to have confidence in people. When I assume that I'm the only one that can help, then not only have I exaggerated my own place in life but I have cast a vote of no confidence in others. They can rise to the occasion. They will find a way and especially they will find a way if I stop trying so much to find it for them.

3. To have faith that things are working out the way they are supposed to work out. This is part of Desiderada by Max Ehrmann: "Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

4. To set an example for my loved ones by taking better care of myself. I can be healthy, work out more, eat less, offer more love, and still do it while protecting myself with good boundaries from the people that I love. Remember that unconditional love does not mean that I have to be a door mat.

I will remember that it is often better to say "no" and feel the guilt than say "yes" and feel the resentment.

5. To remember to learn from everyone. Everyone has something to teach. I need to focus more on what I can learn from others rather than on what I can teach. It's nice to teach but the lucky ones are those of us that never stop learning. It's ironic that our teenagers are often our best teachers, even though what we learn from them may not always be what they intended to teach.

6. We say it all the time, but this year I'd like to do a better job of accepting things I can't change. When I close a door it helps God know that I need a window.

7. To remember that the only person I can REALLY change is myself. And no doubt, that is "the universe unfolding as it should."

8. To appreciate what I have. Focus more on that and don't let a longing for what I don't have take over.

"A grateful addict won't get high." Hopefully, a grateful co-dependent won't enable. To finish this thought I once again will quote from Desiderada:

"Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful."

9. Don't focus on should-a, would-a, or could-a. My daughter taught me this when she was ten years old but I think I need to work on it some more. Of course I have regrets but I can't wallow in the past without missing the present.

The important thing is did I recover from the mistake, did I admit the mistake, did I make any amends on the mistake, and did I learn enough from making it that I didn't keep making the same one again and again? This is what will show my character.

Dude #1 who just made it into the afterlife: Wow! I think I'm in heaven! Or not. It's hard to tell. What do you think?

Dude #2 who just made it into the afterlife: I dunno. Look at that sign, man!

Sign says: "All ye who would enter here must leave all regrets at the gate. If you can not leave all regrets here, you must carry them with you until you learn to leave them behind."

Dude #1: I knew that was important! Aaaaaaaagh. I tried to leave my regrets, daaarn it I just knew this was important! Now it's going to keep me out cause I never could quit wishing that things had worked out differently. I made so many mistakes, garsh, what am I going to do now!

Dude #2. Just drop em now. It doesn't look like it's too late!

Dude #1. I used to like that Sinatra song, you know where he casually sings, "Regrets, I've had a few - too few to mention." What does he mean by that? How can he drop em if he can't even mention them? I've got regrets, too many to mention so I never really did get that song.

Dude #2: Well, we've got another chance now to just drop em. I'm going in. I must have done OK if I got this far. Good luck, man, I'm going over.

Dude #1: [watches Dude #2 walk over the threshold and disappear] Ohhhhh crap, I should have gone when he went, now I'm all alone. I don't know what to do I'm afraid I'm carrying too many regrets to just 'drop' them now! Oh darn, I should have dropped these all along like we're supposed to do- now I'm afraid I just have too many. I'll never drop them all right here- but I'm going to try.

[Dude #1 sits down, makes a list of all his regrets. It takes up fifty pages. He reads each one of them and makes conscious decision to let each one go. He even imagines a pair of wings around each regret and he then visualized each regret flying away. Finally, he believes that he has purged himself of all regrets. It has taken three days. He stands up and tries to walk into heaven. He hits an invisible barrier and bounces back, trips and lands on his rear-end. Suddenly he hears Saint Peter's voice.

St. Peter: You are still regretful!

Dude #1: No! I let each and every regret go. I'm sure I got them all!

St. Peter: Just one big one here that apparently you couldn't let go of.

Dude #1: Was it leaving my first wife? That was a HUGE mistake and I paid for that one the rest of my life.

St. Peter: No, you visualized that one flying away- good job on that one.

Dude #1: Was it betting my house that the Pens would win the Stanley cup without Crosby? That one was really stupid.

St. Peter: Nope- you managed to get rid of that one!

Dude #1: Aaaaaaaagh, I don't know, it could have been any one of a hundred! Was it that relationship I had with my secretary years ago?

St. Peter: H'mm, interesting enough, you don't seem to regret that one too much at all! No, apparently, you aren't able to stop regretting that you carried all these regrets with you for years!

Wishing PSST and everyone a challenging meaningful exciting intense year that has enough exhilaration to balance out the disappointing things. I hope you all feel more alive and that each one of you smell the opportunity to find or remember that special thing in yourself that you value.

I wish you all to be surrounded by loved ones when you feel lonely, to be alone when you feel crowded, and to be at peace with yourself and with God, whatever your conception of him (or her) happens to be.

If you would like to share one of your resolutions or comment on these nine, please do so.

COURAGE in 2012

2011-12-30T11:40:00.002-05:00

"What we need to overcome adversity in 2012 is a seven-letter word. Can you guess what it is?
William Ward said "Adversity causes some men to break; others to break records."
If you have it, you can slay your giants too. But first have you guessed what the seven letter word is?
Of course, it is COURAGE!
Courage challenges the unbeatable, dares the unthinkable and achieves the unattainable.
Dare to get out of bed with a positive attitude.
Dare to begin again with grace after a moral failure in your life.
Dare to back up and apologize to somebody you have hurt.
Dare to do what is right when everybody else is doing what is wrong.
Dare to dream even when life seems like an unending nightmare.
You can defeat any giant in the New Year, IF you will but have the courage to pursue your dreams!
Max Lucado said, "Concentrate on God and your giants will tumble. Focus on your giants and your feet will stumble."
excerpts from message to USMC 2/9 families from Navy Chaplain in Afghanistan 12-29-2011

The Video "Deception":

2011-12-29T23:35:00.006-05:00

Juvenile Probation partnered with The Alliance to make this video several years ago. Michael Bartlett produced and directed.

Special thanks to all the courageous individuals that made this video possible and especially Jessica, may she rest in peace.

Don't Drink and Drive or Allow Anyone to Drink and Drive

2011-12-24T08:00:00.000-05:00

Important Public Service Announcement

Have a Very Happy Holiday Season

PLEASE DON'T DRINK & DRIVE

We posted this last December and feel it is important enough to re-post.

This link needs to be passed onto everyone who has keys to a vehicle (especially our troubled teens).

This is one of the most intense Public Service Announcements ever made.

It was made by the "Transportation Accident Commission" of Australia.

Australia should be complemented on having the courage to "Show it like it is" to all drivers and to air it on TV...it is very moving and very life like...it has a very strong impact.

CAUTION: THIS AD CONTAINS VERY STRONG CONTENT
- IT SHOWS THE RESULTS OF DRINKING AND DRIVING GRAPHICALLY!

Click on the full-screen view at the bottom right corner of the screen.

Parent Alert – New Dangerous Synthetic Drugs

2011-12-19T15:00:00.001-05:00

Fake Cocaine is Newly marketed as 'Cosmic Blast'
- from addictionsearch.com

Editor's Note: As we had warned previously; as quickly as authorities can outlaw these imitation drugs, the greedy manufacturers and dealers [this includes your friendly neighborhood smoke shops and convenience stores] will develop a different formula so they can keep raking in money on the backs of our families and children.

Parent Alert – New Dangerous Synthetic Drugs
- from The Alliance @ www.drug-alliance.org

New synthetic drugs are now being marketed in Pennsylvania.

A new product named, “Jewelry Cleaner” (synthetic cocaine) is on the shelves of head shops and some convenience stores. It comes as a power in a vile.

Two that we know of are called “Eight Ballz” and “Cosmic Blast.”

There are probably others. These are very dangerous chemicals and can cause hallucinations and body temperature increases up to 108 degrees.

Disguising drugs by marketing them for other use is beginning to be big business and the drug dealers continue to roll in the cash while many of our young people become sick, addicted, and sometimes die.

Drug dealers are continuously coming up with new ways to create substances that can be used to get high. Synthetic drugs like the newest version of cocaine are circulating and this one is labeled 'Jewelry Cleaner'.

Disguising drugs by marketing them for other use is beginning to be big business and the drug dealers continue to roll in the cash while many of our young people and adults become sick, addicted, and sometimes die.

The new synthetic cocaine that's circulating today is called Cosmic Blast that contains MDPV which is a hallucinogen and Naphyrone. MDVP is a designer drug that's structured similar to MDMA and is found in the dangerous bath salts that people have been abusing in the past year.

People have died using bath salts and some by taking their own lives. It's just a matter of time before the newest version of synthetic cocaine begins to take hold and destroy more lives.

Naphyrone is a crystalline white powder that can be found under the brand name MRG-1 or Energy1. Naphyrone is a stimulant drug that has similar effects to mephedrone. According to a Toxicologist Naphyrone can create changes throughout the body that last for days.

These changes in the body can cause a person's temperature to reach as high as 108 degrees. If your brain reaches temperatures that high it can fry your brain and you will never be the same.

The other form of synthetic cocaine that has made headlines for the past year is Bath Salt that's marketed under names like Ivory Wave, Purple Wave, Red Dove, Blue Silk, and Vanilla Sky.

The dangerous fake Bath Salt also contains the hallucinogen MDVP and Mephedrone. These new designer drugs mimic the effects of cocaine and because when they first come out they're legal many of our young people want to see what they're like.

Many people have been taken to the emergency room or called poison control due to the symptoms they receive when using fake bath salts to get high.

The synthetic designer drug causes your heart rate to increase and beat rapidly, intense hallucinations are experienced, and intense paranoia sets in. Due to the paranoia and hallucinations some people have even taken their own lives.

I worry about our young people today because they're so inquisitive, trusting and naive. They don't realize that drug dealers depend on them and their curiosity to make themselves rich.

Drug dealers don't care if a young person ends up in the emergency room, if they overdose, commit suicide, causes an accident or dies.

They bank on the fact that there's a lot more young people out there just as curios, willing to take risks, and just as trusting.

All they care about is not getting caught, getting people addicted, and spending their cash.

It's sad to think that many young people will try this synthetic cocaine Cosmic Blast just to see what it's like and they'll never be the same again if they live through it.

Request for Parent Volunteers

2011-12-17T20:52:00.004-05:00

At a recent PSST meeting, Lloyd (of “What Would Lloyd Say” fame) asked for a few parent volunteers to form an informal committee to act as liaison between PSST and other organizations, such as CISP, who may seek parents to speak at a meeting, participate in a panel discussion, host a booth/table at a conference, etc. A committee member would be responsible for talking with the contact from the other group, then preparing an email and/or a short notice for the PSST blog with the details (what, where, when, why, . . .) and asking parent volunteers to help out.

In the past, Lloyd (“WWLS”) would coordinate these requests, but due to scheduled and unscheduled parent rescues, crisis interventions, mundane court paperwork, and various close-encounters of the weird kind, the requests sometimes fell through the cracks until shortly before the event, at which time Lloyd would exclaim “OH NO … (or something similar) … that event is tomorrow night …!”, then frantically call for parent help. In an effort to reduce a small amount of the stress on Lloyd (gee, hasn’t he done a lot of that for all of us?), help is needed. Any volunteers??? Please contact Brad and we will muddle through this together.

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED AT PSST

2011-12-15T10:40:00.010-05:00

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED AT PSST

Our good friend and PSST Mentor Ken wrote a post in January 2007. He summarized what families of addicts felt as "What I Wish I Would Have Known...".

WISHES

Ken, I hope that you don't mind but I am taking the liberty to re-post it as:

"What I Have Learned at PSST"

I have learned that...

...I wasn’t alone through all of this and there is a good support system out here. When I reached out and had a chance to talk with others I realized I wasn’t going crazy.

...taking care of myself is just as important as helping my addicted child recover. I had to get better so the cycle of enabling could be broken.

...Addiction occurs in any type of family. It is not just something that happens in dysfunctional families. That being a role model or even a great parent role model is not enough to stop the disease of addiction.

...the longer I wait to get help for my child to begin their recovery process the better the odds that my child will be hurt, hurt someone else, get arrested or die.

...this disease has a huge impact on the entire family; it is very important to make sure that everyone gets the help they need as soon as possible.

...it is extremely important to see that everyone involved in a child’s recovery (all parents, family members, counselors, probation officers, school officials and others) are on the same page and updated at all times. Never agree to keep secrets, not even little ones.

...there is a strong spiritual component to recovery from this disease; church can be a significant resource for me, my spouse or partner, my child and my family. Our recovery comes from faith in a Higher Power.

...I need to “Let go and Let God” as soon as I am able (the sooner the better). I cannot want someone's recovery more than they do. Recovering from the impact of addiction in the family is a process that takes time and is different for each person.

...my addicted child will go toterrible lengths (lying, manipulating, stealing, violence, threats, running away and much worse) to obtain drugs. Valuables need to be removed from my child’s grasp before the family heirlooms end up in the pawnshop never to be seen again.

...there is a difference between encouraging my child and enabling my child. Enabling can result in spending hundred or thousands of dollars on drugs and replacing/repairing items over the years. I understand now that I must NEVER pay my child's fines or restitution. Even as a minor it is their personal responsibility to either pay off the their court costs or to work them off with community service.

...I enabled my child to use drugs when I lied for him, made excuses, paid his fines and protected him from other consequences. Codependency allows your heart to rule your decisions instead of your brain. You are not helping your child by protecting him from the consequences of his actions no matter what your heart tells you.

... I actual learned how to feel good about my child being in jail or placement because he was safe, warm, fed and not using drugs. If he is out on the streets or at a "friend's" house I don't know what he is getting.

...I FINALLY learned to listen to that little whisper from my heart that told me my child was using drugs. Do not dispose of, or destroy, drugs or drug paraphernalia that you find. Bag it, label it, date it and put it in a safe place where your child cannot get to it. Save it to use as evidence to get your child into the system A.S.A.P.

...I need to watch for the standard warning signs: dropping grades, withdrawal from sports and school activities, disappearance of old friends (the “good kids”), new friends who have first names only, no parental contact, missing items (i.e. DVD players, video games, cameras, jewelery) increased secret activities, not being where they told you they were, sneaking out...etc...and act on them.

...I need to step up and be the parent, not my child's BFF. He will hate me for a time, and will let me know it in many ways, and that is okay. I will do whatever it takes to keep him alive and clean and I will let him know that in many ways.

…this IS NOT “Just a Phase”, NOT "Just marijuana",NOT "Just alcohol", or NOT "Just an adolescent right of passage.” Understand how to distinguish between normal teenage behavior and drug related behavior.

...I accept that drugs are available in ALL communities and schools (lower, middle and upper class - Drug Dealers are Equal Opportunity Destroyers). Unfortunately most parents, are Ignorant of the drug problem with a capital “I” in our community and schools. We need to educate ourselves about street drugs, their potency and symptoms of use, as well as the potential for the abuse of prescription drugs, over the counter medicines and other chemicals that we have in our homes.

...I need to listen to the clues given by teachers and the school principal. Many people knew or suspected my child’s drug use before it was acknowledged at home.

...drugs are literally everywhere including churches, schools, recovery meetings, rehabilitation centers and places of employment.

...I will not waste my time having long circular arguments with my child. When they tell me that I cannot give them one good reason for my decision(s) I will agree with them. "You're right! I could explain my reasons until I turn blue and you would never get my logic. So I will not waste our time. Thanks so much for pointing that out, you really know me better than I thought."

...even when I tried to make my child safe by “grounding” them that drugs could easily be “delivered” to the house.

...when they will not take a simple "No" for an answer I will use the PSST Ask Me Again Method.

"Can I go out?"

"No, but listen, this is the fourth time that you ask so I know it is really important to you to keep asking, so go ahead and ask me again."

"Huh? Can I go out?

"No, but if you really need to, please, feel free to ask me again."

"Oh, I get it, that's more of that PSST $#%@ again. You guys are like $@#% zombies or something..."

...no matter how much I loved my child, how much I cried, how much I hurt, how much I bribed, how much I punished, I couldn’t make my child stop using drugs.

...I know now and accept that treatment is not a one-shot deal and it is not a cure.

...recovery from addiction is a really long process (sorry to say but it can be years not months) and that after abstaining from drug use it takes an addict a long time for my child to catch up with their peers intellectually and socially even though they want so much to be normal.

...all recovery meetings are not the same and I need to shop around to find the right program for my child. I now realize that I know my child better than anyone else and I have a right and a voice in their recovery process. I am my child's best advocate. I will stand up for them when they are accepting their recovery and do everything I can to get them the help they need when they are using.

...to never gave up on my child. Recovery takes time. “Just for today” are watchwords. What a difference the years make! There is not a good reason to give up hope (discouragement and anger are part of the process - use outside resources to help yourself - do not try to get through this on your own).

...I can challenged the educational professionals at school more. There is a truant officer at some schools to support efforts to keep your child in school but you have to ask. There are alternative education programs and other resources at schools that you are paying for but you have to ask.

...I can Question the doctors and the experts more. Addiction can masquerade as depression. The age of your child is an issue in treatment. Techniques that work well with a 23-year old may not be appropriate for a 13-year old.

...I can Learn about Act 53, a government funded program to involuntarily court order a child into treatment without a criminal record. File for Act 53 A.S.A.P.

...I am not afraid to contact Juvenile Probation authorities and file charges against my child. Getting him into "the system" can give you the support that you need to get him the help that he needs to begin his recovery. Yes he WILL meet other users, drug dealers and thieves but guess what? He already is best friends with other users, drug dealers and thieves - check his cell phone contacts regularly.

...that cell phones are drug paraphernalia and my child does not need a cell phone. My child has access to numerous cell phones anytime he wants to manipulate - er, um, that is - contact me. If for some reason they have to have a cell phone I have the right to read text messages and check contacts on a regular basis and have a right to confiscate the phone at any time (even if they paid for it). I do not allow drug paraphernalia in my home and I will save the text messages and contact numbers as evidence to file charges against my child.

...any access to the internet is to allowed ONLY under my close supervision when I allow it (this includes cell phones, I-Pads and X-Box Live). Your child may need access to the internet for a school project but you have a right to observe them while they are on the internet (They can access drug purchases including K-2, how to beat drug test and how to use other mind altering substances for example).

...I know that drug tests can be manipulated. Go ahead and type it into Google.

...that there are other parents going through exactly what I am going through and they are willing to listen to me, help me and support me at PSST.

Twas the Night Before Christmas...

2011-12-14T00:12:00.002-05:00

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

We thought our teenager was snug in his bed,
While visions of this and that danced in his head.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But my teenage son and some friends he holds dear.

From experience I knew what was happening quick,
I knew in a moment stealing our car was his trick.
More rapid than than eagles I ran outside to our lane.
I cursed him, yelled and called my son a bad name!

“Now Son, what the hell! You have no permission
To drive our car with your friends or with this vixen!
For I could see that his new girlfriend was tall,
And very cute to my eyes, then my son cried, “run-a-way all!”

The car had been wrecked for my eyes did not lie
When I saw that the windshield was crushed and my son was all high!
So I rang 911, the emergency number I knew,
And soon there were police cars with blinking lights too.

And then, in a twinkling, I looked for the proof
And saw empty bottles inside (and some weed left on the roof.)
My son looked awful loaded and as he was turning around,
He saw that I was the one who had called the cops down.

His anger was plain from his head to his foot
And he gave me his most threatening look.
But I didn’t care about any of his threats
Because I knew that he had just bet his last bet.

His eyes – how red and blood shot they looked,
His cheeks were flushed and his nose looked cooked!
His droll little mouth stunk with alcohol
And still, he looked over at me and he called…

“Hey Dad, please tell the cops to go away,
You know I’ll be good - tomorrow’s Christmas Day!”
But the stump of a weed pipe he held tight in his teeth,
The cop noticed it and said, "I’ll take that please!"

“You’re under arrest- and your rights I will tell,
But you are on your way straight to Shuman, the teenager-Jail."
He spoke lots more words as he went about his work.
He cuffed my son and his friends and then he called them all jerks.

He confiscated the weed, the beer, and the blow-
And giving a nod, the cop said “It’s time to go.”
The police lights were flashing, the teenagers crying;
Because they knew that their party-lifestyle was dying.

My son put his head out the window and pleaded,
“Just one more chance, Dad, I know I can beat this
addiction and This time I won’t let you down.
Please, don’t let the cops take me downtown!

I sprang to my senses and searched for the words that were best,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all -NEVERTHELESS!”

(Happy Christmas to all PSST parents both near and far and thanks for your support all year long. Without you all there is no PSST ;-)

(Written by Clement C. Moore and Lloyd Woodward and reprinted from 2009 PSST BLOG)

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Delicious Ambiguity - By Sally

2011-12-13T23:46:00.015-05:00

Delicious Ambiguity - By Sally

CISCO LEAVES HOME - THE NEXT CHAPTER

On Monday the Fifth of December Rocco and I kept our promise to Cisco.

Cisco has been living at home since October 17th. He is holding down a full time job and seemed to be getting it, however, the weekend preceding that Monday Cisco went to a bonfire and relapsed.

With Rocco's quiet and unfaltering strength we were able to keep our promise....

...We had told Cisco (19 years old) before he re-entered our home from placement that he cannot stay in our house and use drugs or alcohol. After a couple of days of discussion and planning Cisco let us know that he needed his freedom to "do it his way". He could not live under our house rules. So Rocco asked Cisco to pack his bags. Rocco offered Cisco a ride to Resolve, back to his halfway house or 'where ever'. He gave Cisco a medical card, his bus pass and a hug and Cisco was gone.

The interesting and hopeful thing about this is our ability to detach from working Cisco's recovery. I think letting go was easier for me because Rocco handled all the tough stuff. I kept myself busy with other things. Rocco worked from home all that Monday and dealt with Cisco. Luckily, it was a busy time for me at the office and I kept focused. I also had a paper to write for a college course so I immersed myself in that.

This is the first time in five years that I changed my priorities. Cisco's addiction and/or recovery always was number one. In the past, I never was able to focus on a critically informed paper well enough to receive an excellent grade. Now I can.

I am hopeful because I truly know what "Detaching with Love" means. I have spoken to Cisco this week but I am not enabling him. As far as I know he is clean. Cisco has all the tools and contacts that he needs to stay clean; he now needs the desire. The desire not just to stay clean; Cisco needs the desire to work his recovery. There is a significant difference.

I am certain that if Rocco did not ask him to leave.... he would have stayed here and spiraled downward.

It is rather ironic after five years of counseling, placements and therapy that he needs to lose the comfort and safety of his home to stay clean and find his own way on the road to his recovery.

He still has his job and he is living one day at a time.

"Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.
Delicious Ambiguity.” Gilda Radner

Valerie Ketter named Supervisor of the Year for Allegheny County Juvenile Probation!

2011-12-13T23:00:00.004-05:00

Valerie and her supervisor, Mary Hatheway on 12-13-11
after receiving Allegheny County Supervisor of the Year!

Some would say this is long overdue. Parents who attend PSST regularly would be some of the ones saying it! I'm sure that those of us that work for Valerie and work with her are the other ones.

Without Valerie's commitment to PSST there would be no PSST. She did more than set this parent support/ education program as a priority in her unit, she rolled up her sleeves and jumped in to help. She not only attends almost every meeting but she works tirelessly with any desperate parents who wander through the PSST doors hoping against hope that finally someone somewhere can do something to put the brakes on their teenager's slide to destruction.

When Valerie first became a Supervisor and transferred to the Drug and Alcohol Unit of Eastern District Probation PSST was in it's infancy stage. In fact, PSST was more of an idea than a reality. We had started monthly meetings and we had a handful of parents interested, but they didn't all show up all at the same time. Back then, (about eight years ago) three parents and two Probation Officers was a big meeting.

You might even say that PSST was born prematurely. We didn't have any funding. We had only a handful of parents interested. And most importantly we didn't have any time to really make this idea a reality. Lloyd Woodward was about to pull the life supports on baby PSST and admit that it was a good idea, but one whose time had not yet come.

Valerie changed all that. She thought this baby was more than worth the time. She thought it could be a critical never-before offered service for Allegheny County and by making PSST a priority project, it could end up saving lives. She never doubted that PSST was well worth the time and effort. Her enthusiasm was contagious right from the start!

I recall having this conversation with my new supervisor:

Lloyd: I don't think we can keep PSST going.

Val: Why not?

Lloyd: Well, for one thing I just don't have the time this project deserves. I'm trying to put all my extra time into it now, but I just don't seem to have much extra time.

Val: Well, that's what we need to change.

Lloyd: Excuse me?

Val: I just don't think we do this on "extra time" because obviously you don't have any extra time, do you?

Lloyd: Ah, no, I don't.

Val: Well then.

Lloyd: Well then what?

Val: Well then, we have to make this kind of project a higher priority and maybe some other things have to wait while this gets done.

Lloyd: Oh.

There was kind of a pause here and I must have had a troubled look on my face.

Val: Something else bothering you?

Lloyd: Well, yes.

Val: What?

Lloyd: I never planed on being the only group facilitator. I wanted to share it with another Probation Officer, preferably a female officer. I think it is ideal to offer both a man and a women as group facillitators since we'll be having both mothers and fathers attending. Anyway, I just lost my partner. You know, she transferred out leaving me in the lurch.

Val: That's no problem.

Lloyd: It's not?

Val: Not at all! I'll be happy to do it.

Lloyd: You?

Val: Yes, me of course.

Lloyd: A Supervisor?

Val: Do you have a problem with that?

Lloyd: Well, no not as far as it goes.

Val: What do you mean by that? [looking straight hard at me as if I might have offended her.]

Lloyd: Well, it's just that the meetings are on Saturday Mornings, and I don't think Supervisors work on Saturdays do they?

Val: I do.

Lloyd: You do?

Val: Yes, I would happy to come in on the weekend for a cause like this.

Lloyd: Well.

Val: Well what?

Lloyd: Well it's settled then.

And boy was it settled. My initial skepticism evaporated as Valerie Ketter became a working Saturday Morning Supervisor and, in fact, since then she has rarely missed a meeting.

I could not have predicted the impact that having a supervisor at our meetings would make. It spoke volumes to the parents about how important this project was to Juvenile Probation.

Soon it became apparent that part of PSST'S growing success was not just because we had "a supervisor" at our meetings but because the supervisor was Valerie Ketter. She not only brought with her an impressive background, having worked for years as a Counselor at Cornell Abraxas Center for Adolescent Females (an inpatient drug treatment facility) but she had also been a School-based Probation Officer at Shaler Area High School. As such she was no stranger to teenagers with drug problems. Valerie was a big hit with Shaler Area High because she routinely loaded up a van with probationers and transported them from the school to the local Police Department for drug tests.

Another big plus was that Valerie Ketter understood our Juvenile Court system. No doubt her commanding encyclopedic knowledge of Juvenile Probation made her a good selection for Probation Supervisor. Now, it made her the perfect coach for PSST parents. Of course, Valerie could do more than just coach. She could move things along for parents "in between" meetings, especially if the parents were frustrated with the pace or the direction of their teenager's case.

Empowerment of parents has from the beginning has been a primary goal of PSST. It soon became apparent that nothing empowered parents like knowing that they had Supervisor Valerie Ketter on their side and that she would do everything she could to see that PSST parents had the best chance to save their drug-addicted teenager's life.

It seems like these last seven years have gone by so fast. We have grown to where not three parents, but 24 parents, two Juvenile Probation staff and one or two Wesley-Spectrum In-home therapists make up a big meeting. Now our partnership with Wesley-Spectrum in the Drug and Alcohol Treatment Unit is taken-for-granted because it's such a brilliant match. But back in the day, it was my supervisor who was always clamoring:

Valerie: Have you referred that case to Wesley-Spectrum yet?

Lloyd: Not yet.

Valerie: You're not going to wait until you're ready to close it are you?"

But back before we even had this blog we had something else. Valerie Ketter was determined that we would send a letter out before each meeting to PSST and to prospective PSST parents. These letters NEVER would have gotten sent out without Valerie Ketter reminding me, "Lloyd, we have to print and get that letter out today! C'mon! I'll help you fold and seal the envelopes. Now make sure it doesn't go over two pages!"

Many of those early letters were typed into this blog by Ken Sutton, the parent who started this blog and who apparently saved every letter. Later, when the blog started taking off the old two-page letters fell by the wayside (can you imagine me keeping something I write to two pages!).

In summary, without the driving force and enthusiasm of Supervisor Ketter, baby PSST would never have gotten off of life-support.

Well, our baby outgrew the life-supports and as you readers know, we are no longer the best kept secret in Allegheny County. People we run into all over the state are envious of PSST and are always asking "How the heck can we start something like this?" I always answer that question with another question: "Do you have any supervisors that will work Saturday mornings?"

Finally, Valerie Ketter's contributions and skills will no longer be one of Allegheny Counties best kept secrets either! I wish to congratulate Supervisor Valerie Ketter for her much deserved Supervisor of the Year Award and on behalf of PSST parents and teenagers everywhere whose lives you have helped save, THANK YOU SUPERVISOR KETTER!

Let's Sing About Losing Friends Who Still Get High ~ by Jessica

2011-12-13T22:28:00.011-05:00

Let's Sing About Losing Friends Who Still Get High ~ by Jessica

We are planning Herman's return from placement, and the need to change people, places and things is very important, Just today one of his best "friends" asked one of his siblings when he will be coming home. It seems like he is still pining for Herman after all this time, He still must not realize that he can no longer be in Herman's life. I was hoping that this old friend could find somebody new to get high with, and leave Herman alone !! ;-)

I was in the car, when the song "Someone Like You" by Adele came on. I am not sure if you heard it, but it's about breaking up, moving on.... AND FINDING SOMEONE NEW.

Click Here to go to a YouTube of " Someone Like You" by Adele

Well, my answer to life's dilemmas is to write a song about it, So here goes my remake (parody) of Someone Like You. I wrote it from the using friend's perspective to my son who is starting his recovery.

Someone Like You

I heard that you've settled down
That you found recovery and your clean now
I heard that your pee's clean too
Guess rehab gave you things, I couldn't give to you

Old friend, why don't you get high ?
Ain't like you to hold back, you partying guy

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it

I had hoped you'd see my face
and that you'd be reminded that for me,it isn't over

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but some "fun" for you, too...

Don't forget me I beg
I remember you said, sometimes you have to change your places, things and friends
Sometimes you have to change your places, things and friends.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday getting high was our lives

We were daily baked in a "Grade A" haze
Bound by the surprise, of your placement days.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it

I had hoped you'd see my face
and that you'd be reminded that for me , it isn't over

Never mind I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but that you'd get high too

Don't forget me I beg
I remember you said, "my home contract doesn't list you as my friend"
Your home contract doesn't list me as your friend.

You say nothing compares, no worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes, they're amends to make

Who could have known how bittersweet your recovery would taste to me

Never mind, I'll find someone like you.

The End

PLEASE: No gifts for staff please!

2011-12-12T20:08:00.000-05:00

I am very sorry I didn't think to post this earlier :-(

However, Valerie, Julie and I are not permitted by County Policy to accept gifts. It's very difficult to say "No" because we do not want to offend and also because we appreciate our thoughtful and appreciative PSST parents. We are in a tight spot here so please be considerate and don't offer us anything. I believe that Wesley Spectrum has a similar policy so don't be offended if none of the fine Wesley Spectrum Family Therapists won't accept gifts either.

All of us want you all to know that the best gift that you can give us is just your presence at our meetings. Also, many of you have your ways of showing us that you appreciate us all year long. That's one of the reasons that we are so lucky! We know that you appreciate us. We appreciate you all as well. :-)

Just be there if and when you can -that's the best gift of all!

PSST Will Not Be the Same - Without YOU, Val Ketter

2011-12-07T07:22:00.017-05:00

THANKS VAL

I believe that every parent at our PSST meetings feel as I do about the announcement that Val Ketter will not be attending the PSST meetings anymore:

Val's insight is so precise and her knowledge so valuable that we already feel the loss. Her strength and encouragement will be greatly missed.

We love ya!

Val Ketter, We will always remember and never forget all that YOU have done to help our situation.

Thank You,

Sally

Verse Which Describes This PSST Mom's Behavior by Violet

2011-12-06T22:45:00.005-05:00

Below is a quote from a song by the Police...

...I thought it demonstrates my behavior through my son’s addiction.

[ and being from the Police...how appropriate ]

Every single day...
Every word you say...
Every game you play...
Every night you stay…
I’LL BE WATCHING YOU!!

~ Violet

Take Me In

2011-12-05T09:16:00.000-05:00

Type rest of the post here

Thanksgiving, Weed & Frustration - By Wilma

2011-11-27T23:28:00.005-05:00

Thanksgiving, Weed & Frustration

An update from Wilma....

On Monday we went to court for Bam's ACT 53 and pre-conference on the criminal charges. I had found out the week before that a bed had been found for Bam based on everything that was happening he could be placed for further treatment.

I was surprised as I thought his judge would never approve placement as Bam had just recently come home from the D.A.S. program. However, since we got the recommendation from the dual diagnosis program the bed was canceled.

With the ACT 53 we have to rely on our own insurance. With an outpatient recommendation the insurance most likely would not approve in-patient at least not until Bam tries the out-patient therapy with medication management component.

I really think Bam Bam needs to be in placement away from this community and was feeling awful that I had worked like a dog to find him the dual diagnosis program and get them to give him a chance, that was recommended for him by his former psychiatrist and the outpatient eval he had had.

I feel like I put the wrench in what he really needs with something that, at least based on past history, he will not follow through. Now he is staying home and its very stressful with him here.

Everyone including the judge let Bam Bam know this was his last chance-he needs to continue in school, take his scheduled S.A.T.'s, go to meetings, stay away from people, places, things, get a job, go to PD office for a lawyer...

...his case was continued to January.

After the hearing we met with probation, filled out some paper work and then (with Bam arguing he didn't want to do this TODAY) went to the P.D.'s office for a lawyer. Bam told us he wanted a private attorney and we informed him NO WAY - we are the ones pressing charges!

How was he planning to pay for it?? What world is he in???

I had seen text messages on his phone with him sending the message "Need Any?" Hmm, wonder what this means.

Tuesday morning Fred found a neat stack of empty baggies on top of our garbage cans. What could these be for?

Bam claims no knowledge. However, he was the one who took the garbage cans to the end of the driveway and had been out for a short time with a friend the night before. Suspicious but as Fred said not evidence of anything.

Thursday, Thanksgiving Day - Bam gets picked up by a friend and is gone less than an hour. When he returns home we tell him to empty his pockets. At first he refuses but we tell him we are not leaving his room until he empties the pockets. I turn Miss Margarock's (from Bedrock Manor) phrase back to him to "bunny ear" his pockets. We even said take off the shorts and we would search them. Finally, Bam empties his pockets and lo and behold an individually wrapped package of weed (it was in a shrink wrapped package) and in his wallet a larger baggie of weed.

Bam's explanation is that he's holding it for some kids and the smaller package was for his cousin (who is himself on probation for possession) that we would be seeing later in the day.

He remains calm and I take the weed. I don't want to leave it in the house so I take it the local police station where I'm told they can't arrest Bam as they would have to find the weed on him. The cop said he believed my story of where it came from but that he could only write a report and will keep the weed in the evidence locker. He said that even if we would have called them to our home the police would still have had to find the weed on Bam Bam to do anything about it. The police officer did say though that if there had been more of the individual packages that would have looked more like Bam was intending to sell and would be a felony.

So, at least the weed is out of my house and I don't have to worry about Bam breaking the house apart looking for it. Bam Bam tells us now he owes people money and that we are going to have to pay. I don't think so.

So, now we wait for January. Bam doesn't want to go away again but less than a week after being in court he sure doesn't seem like he is ready to follow the rules laid out for him.

And January seems like a long way away.

Wilma

Thoughts from Joan

2011-11-20T13:01:00.004-05:00

The below advice is excerpted from a newsletter email sent by consultant/author/coach, Nancy Stampahar, www.silverliningsolutions.com.

While this addresses the general adult population, not just parents, it echoes so much of our PSST coaching that I thought I’d share it with you. For example, while Nancy advises that we ask ourselves: "What would make me most happy and fulfilled?”. PSST advises that we ask “What would I be comfortable with?

As I reflect upon things I am thankful for, high on my list comes the support of PSST parents, and that of Lloyd, Val, Kathie, Justin and their colleagues with Wesley Spectrum and Allegheny County Juvenile Probation.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Joan

“Hello!

The crazy, hustle-bustle holiday season is approaching.

By learning how to occasionally say "no" and treating each other with respect, you can take control of the demands at work and home you are facing. You must learn how to not fret over your own feelings of guilt, fears of rejection or possible repercussions. You can still be helpful and considerate of others, but you must take care of yourself first. Before you respond to someone, ask yourself, "What would make me most happy and fulfilled?" Once you develop assertive communication skills, you will be able to effectively handle difficult people and awkward situations.

Aggressive Communication Looks Like This:

"This is what you're going to do and you have no say in the matter." Too many dominating, overbearing behaviors surface and push people away or into submission. The aggressive person lacks self-esteem and acts out of fear to control people and situations. Unfortunately, most people get turned off and don't want to be around this type of person because they are too disrespectful and demanding.

Passive Communication Looks Like This:

"Whatever you ask, I'll do it whether I want to or not." Too many unwanted yes's build up resentment and passive-aggressive behaviors can surface. The passive person lacks self-worth and self-respect. Unfortunately, the word of a passive person cannot be trusted because they are not open and honest about their feelings, needs or opinions.

Assertive Communication Looks Like This:

"I know that this is important to you. This is also important to me. Let's talk about some options that are fair to both of us." Respectful, healthy behaviors evolve. This healthy, mature style says, "I hear you. You matter, and I matter too."

7 Tips to Say "No" and Assert Yourself Today

Become self-aware of your communication and behavior patterns. What is consistently happening in your life? How do these patterns affect you?

Evaluate the reasons you feel the need to please or control everyone.

Realize the goal of assertive communication is to express your thoughts and boundaries while being direct, honest and respectful of others.

Realize it is necessary and okay to say "no" sometimes and to ask questions.

Example for Anyone: "I see why this is important to you. I am unable to help this time. Let 's try to figure out some other possible solutions that could work."

Example for Boss: "This is what is on my plate right now. Which one of these priorities would you prefer I remove to accommodate your request?"

Example for Anyone: "I'd love to join you but my schedule is already full that week. Please keep me in mind the next time. Have fun."

If you do not address your own unique needs, your frustrations will build, you will feel taken for granted and your performances and relationships will suffer. As Dr. Phil says, "We teach people how to treat us." It is up to you to face the fears and guilt you carry from your disease to please. Find your courage to change and grow. When you stop feeling guilty and seeking approval of others, your days will be fueled by positive energy, confidence and self-respect. You will feel empowered and in control of your life because you utilized your power of choice. You hold the power.

Enjoy the season and assert yourself today!

To you,
Nancy”

Wilma Waits

2011-11-20T12:50:00.002-05:00

WILMA'S WILD RIDE

Well, it's been 23 days since Bam Bam came home from the Quarry Rock DAS program. And we are on the roller coaster with all of the loops.

The first week home Bam Bam had an evaluation at an outpatient rehab facility. Initially the therapist was recommending an Intensive Outpatient Program (I.O.P.) treatment. However, after consulting with colleagues it was determined he needs a dual diagnosis program because of his aggression and other mental health problems. This in addition to the drug addiction, so no treatment for him at the rehab facility.

Now, in July I did find a dual dx therapist for Bam but he didn't like her and he refused to return! Now what! I had already been through the (short) list from our primary insurance and now we have to START OVER!

I really felt I wasn't up for this task and thought maybe Bam Bam could tackle this himself since after all he is over 13 years old and can make these decisions himself. However, it was recommended that I try and get an appointment set up for him.

So on the 11th day home I call everyone on the list that the outpatient facility had given me and even called the insurance to see what they could come with.

So after coming up with NOTHING(programs only had dual dx for adults, not participating with our insurance, etc) I was ready to go to work when I get a phone call from from the director of the facility where my son's psychiatrist is with the news that his doctor is dropping him.

Now, no doctor to monitor Bam Bam on his SIX psychiatric medications. And one of the medications was supposed to be tapered off. I was devastated.

The doctor from Quarry Rock had agreed to maintain Bams meds until we find another doctor. I had tried in July to get him a different adolescent psychiatrist who participates with our primary insurance and could find none.

Once I pulled myself together I contacted the insurance again as now we are in desperate need for a psychiatrist. I insisted that he needs a physician who specializes in adolescent co-existing disorders and they had NONE. I made the decision to go out of network so that Bam Bam could at least be evaluated by a local adolescent dual diagnosis program.

This same day, Bam's 11th day home, as he was leaving the house I asked to see what was in his back pack. I found a water bottle filled with alcohol, a state store bag and receipt for vodka. Fred told me to look at the bright side that is was "only alcohol!!!" Doesn't he get that mixing alcohol with Bam's medications can be deadly?!!

Day 21 Bam Bam's evaluation at the Dual Diagnosis program - After many wrinkles they agree to treat him. However, the recommendation was for only 1 day a week but it's better than nothing.

17 days after coming home Bam admits to me that he relapsed by smoking weed.

18 days after coming home Fred gets a text message from Bam's friend Eddie that we need to take Bam to the hospital as Bam had texted Eddie that he took 50 Benadryl. I checked on Bam and he denied taking anything. He said that he was upset as he and Eddie were on the outs. He did not appear to have taken anything and told me he had been making that up.

Bam had posted on twitter that he overdosed. This time, he was trying to get attention by lying about overdosing.

During these past weeks I have suspected him of using, figuring he was drinking and smoking weed but now I'm thinking he might have added over the counter pills to his repertoire.

I am worried because he is also on those SIX legitimate medications. This past month I have also found text messages on his phone making arrangements to purchase alcohol and weed. I just saw yesterday that he texted to one of his friends that he sold some drug but he wasn't specific.

This last week Fred also caught Bam cheeking his med's and Bam said he was going to throw them away. Of course I don't believe this as I know some of this stuff can bring Bam some ready cash which Bam always is need of.

He continues to hang out with his old friends and doesn't attend meetings.

Now in the midst of all of this negative stuff Bam did find out all of the information needed to schedule himself for the S.A.T.'s. He applied to one college and even had a job interview this week. He observes his curfew and has only missed two days of school. He claimed he was sick but I'm not buying it.

Luckily we have court on Monday and hopefully his ACT 53 stays open and we have a pre-hearing conference on his criminal charges.

He continues to demonstrate that he cannot live at home and stay clean and out of trouble. He will have another chance to turn things around so we will see what he does with it.

So again we wait....

What is YOUR Thought or Action TODAY?

2011-11-14T09:25:00.003-05:00

"Watch your thoughts; they become words.

Watch your words; they become actions.

Watch your actions; they become habits.

Watch your habits; they become character.

Watch your character; for it becomes your destiny."

–Upanishads

As parents of teens who are abusing substances, every conscious decision we make TODAY (whether it be keeping a secret for our teens, excusing an infraction of preset family rules/contracts, or choosing to look the other way while thinking your teen is just sowing their wild oats, etc.) will affect your future and the future of your teen (substance abuse ends in two ways: Recovery or Death).

Are you a parent who is being manipulated, lied to, verbally (or even worse - physically) abused by a teen who you suspect is abusing alcohol and drugs?

Learn techniques and skills at a PSST meeting to communicate with your teen and quite possibly, save their life.

Scoring the home pass

2011-11-07T09:21:00.011-05:00

Just a note about scoring home passes. This is where you set the bar. If you rate the home pass "successful" mostly because you've seen improvement and you want to encourage your teenager, then consider this: his goal is to have a successful home pass. Period. Oh sure he may have other goals but none of them rise to the importance of just having his home pass rated as successful.

Once you say it was successful you have told him that's good enough. Not only does this have repercussions for future home passes but it has repercussions for the behavior that you can expect once he is returned home from placement. This is really a rare opportunity for you to send a strong message of where you want the bar set and what your expectations are for his behavior.

For example, perhaps you were tested over and over about his wanting to break the rules. Each time you used your parenting skills, e.g., use of power words such as nevertheless and regardless to win the day. OK, you correctly say to yourself that he has to test you to see if you are really going to enforce those rules or not. Fine. However, at the end of the day, or in this case at the end of the home pass you feel exhausted and couldn't wait for it to be over, what does that mean?

In answer to that I'm not sure we have a hard and fast answer. Because he did follow the rules and isn't that what counts? Well, yes on the one hand but if in fact this means that each and every home pass is going to be an exhausting affair, and return home after placement is going to begin a lone exhausting battle to enforce every rule, then perhaps we have to look at this and wonder if set the bar to low. After all, it's not like these rules wern't laid out ahead of time.

In other words, while some testing of the rules might be considered OK and might even be expected, acceptance of badgering might be a missed opportunity for the parent to set the bar higher. Trust your instincts on this. If the visit felt bad, are you being honest when you report that it was successful. One reason that this is important is that Kathie and I like to see three successful home passes before discharge home.

All I want to do here is challenge PSST parents to make the best use of the home pass that you can. It's a window of opportunity.

Here's a suggestion for home pass guidelines that I don't' think we've given in any of our other posts about home passes. Try to strike a balance between some testing and too much testing of rules.

Teen: Mom, I want to call my girlfriend. She's going to be upset if I don't at least call. I mean C'mon, at least one phone call is that asking too much? You get one phone call in jail even.

Mom: [Mom is tempted to cover, once again, the purpose of "family only home pass" but she reminds herself that this is ground that has been covered before over and over and over. So instead she tries this.] I know you hate that rule, you feel it is terribly unfair. And while I don't understand exactly how important this call is, I hear you that's it's pretty darn important. Might not be life or death but it sounds like it is just under that on the scale of importance in your life.

Teen: Right! I gotta call her Mom please let me please let me please let me.

Mom: This is the best I can offer. You go ahead, say for the next hour, ask me if you can call her. I know you need to test us on this. We'll have this conversation or whatever you want to call it, until 2:00 O'clock. After that, I need you to stop asking if you can make that call. Otherwise, I'm afraid our whole weekend is going to be exhausting, at least for us. Do you see what I'm saying?

Teen: You're saying go ahead and ask but if I ask all weekend that's unacceptable?

Mom: Right, that's exactly what I'm saying- great job hearing me.

Teen: But that's not fair.

Mom: How would this be more fair? [Use of open-ended question. More effective for opening up teen than saying "why not?"]

Teen: Well, it shouldn't matter how many times I ask, as long as I don't make the call I should get a successful home pass, because I followed all the rules.

Mom: That's a very good point. Maybe I'm being too harsh about this, and by the way, I appreciate that you and I can have this conversation, but you see, this isn't working for me.

Teen: What do you mean?

Mom: Well, it works fine for you- you can ask me a thousand times, and push me all weekend to let you make that one call, and as long as you don't make it, you're good. Meanwhile, it hasn't been any fun for me having to deal with this over and over and over again all weekend. That's why I wanted to set a limit on it. You get to ask me that same question, or lets' say questions about violating the rules that we have already agreed on, for a certain time period. Maybe I can negotiate the time period, if you feel that ask me up to 2:00 PM is to restrictive for you. You can suggest a different time period, but I'm not comfortable that you get to ask me the entire weekend, then i'm exhausted, and you still get a "successful home pass." I don't feel that that is fair either.

Teen: Oh, I see, so if I ask all weekend then you'll tell Outside In that I was unsuccessful?

Mom: Yes, but I'll negotiate the time frame with you if you like.

Teen: Like what?

Mom: Well, let's say if 2:00 Pm is too restrictive for you, then how about you can badger us about that rule until 5:00 PM, that's three extra hours, that means you can badger us for almost four hours is you start right now, then drop it- just follow the rules the rest of the weekend, and we'll call that a successful home pass if nothing else unforseen happens? How's that- do you feel that is more fair? [Notice labeling the behavior as badgering.]

Teen: I guess so.

Mom: OK, then that's a deal. Let's get started. Ask me if you can call your girlfriend or whomever you want to violate the home rules that we already agreed on before you left for the weekend.

Teen: Can I call her?

Mom: No. [pause.] go ahead ask me again.

Teen: This is stupid.

Mom: Kind of - yes, but at least I feel that it's more fair.

Teen: I'm not going to get to call her no matter how many times I ask.

Mom: I agree.

Teen: I'm done. I'm going to my room. Don't bother me OK?

Mom: Take a break Son it's OK. We'll talk about this later.

Teen: Don't think you won or you heard the last of this.

Mom: Oh no. I'm sure we'll talk about it later.

This role-play was not intended to be the end-all-be-all prototype of home pass rule negotiations. Many of you could write better ones I expect. My only intention was to show that you do not have to have an exhausting weekend and still rate it as successful. There is a way or perhaps call it a goal, to let your teenager know that enough is enough. "It's fine that you are following the rules but if the entire weekend was spent testing me, then no I'm going to have a problem calling that successful."

Sally and Rocco’s Handy Healthy Household Reminders

2011-11-07T08:49:00.007-05:00

Holiday Clean-up Time is Here

This weekend Sally and I were doing our fall clean-up and getting the house ready for the fast approaching holidays.

I was just taking my fifth or sixth load of leaves down the driveway when the fireplace clean-out caught my eye. I couldn’t resist taking a look inside of it. This used to be one of Cisco’s favorite hiding places for his stuff. I am happy to report that I found nothing except ashes and cobwebs.

Another of his favorite places to hide his stuff, early on, was in a tin box in a hollow tree in the woods behind our house. It may have been that the elves were manufacturing something besides cookies but I am pretty certain that it was Cisco.

We recently converted Cisco’s downstairs bedroom into an office and we remembered finding stuff in his mattress, in the heater vent and, in one of his more clear thinking and honest moments, he pulled his boxing gloves off of the hook in his room. He reached inside and pulled out a pipe. He handed it to Sally telling her “I knew you guys would never look in here.”

It is time for another: Sally and Rocco’s Handy Healthy Household Reminders - households with teenage users that is.

Holiday Clean-up Time is Here
As you are cleaning up (that would be redding up for all of yinz Pittsburghers n’at) for the holidays be sure you also clean out all of your teenager’s stuff so that you can really enjoy them.

IMPORTANT REMINDER: DO NOT DISPOSE of any drugs, alcohol, K2 or any paraphernalia you find. Put it in a plastic bag with a note of where and when you found it and keep it as evidence. Lock it in a safe place - ask a trusted family member or friend to keep it or, if possible, ask your local police to keep it for you. I kept my evidence in a locked file drawer in my office.
I clearly marked it and notified my Admin Assistant what it was in case someone else discovered it.

In addition to checking the usual places like in their clothes/shoes, in their mattress, in the fireplace clean-out and in their drawers be sure to give their closet a thorough going over. Check for baggies duct-taped to the bottoms / backs of drawers, under tables and desks and on top of door frames. Look inside stereo speakers, TV and VCR cabinets, cell phones, computers, cassette cases (any kind of tin or plastic case is good for hiding odors) and inside of any cushions while you are dusting and polishing.

A few other interesting spots our bright little scamps like to stash their stash are:
(thanks to the PSST Parents and our readers who submitted these clever places)

- Under the trash liners in the garbage cans

- In arm of the couch or chair

- Inside their piggy banks. Very clever because when you'd shake the bank it still jingles

- In a hole in the wall covered with a poster (also check for holes above the doors in closets and crawl spaces)

- Inside a smoke detector

- In a box of Tampons

- In empty video game cases and empty cigar holders [while cleaning look for tobacco from hollowed out cigars, baggies, dryer sheets, plastic straws, rubber tubing, wrench sockets, empty soda/juice bottles, pipes, duct or electrical tape and other paraphernalia in their rooms]

- Inside books and empty food or drink containers or water bottles

- Inside of backpacks and gym bags (many PSST Parents insist on a backpack check before a “friend” brings them into their home.

- In a watch case

- In a Texas Hold'em tin

- Inside a hat / hat band

- Taped to the bottoms of beds and inside mattresses / box springs

- Inside musical instruments and their carrying cases

- Inside VHS / CD / DVD / video game cases

- In their shoes [look inside of the sole or the tongue]. They can buy shoes with compartments already in them.

- In the air condition / furnace vents and returns

- Inside cameras and camera cases

- In the hollow tube that supports a bicycle seat

- Behind the coin holder in the car

- Inside of flashlights in place of the batteries or in any other battery compartment

- Taped to the top of a ceiling fan

- Inside of make up cases /compacts / lipstick tubes / mouthwash bottles / breath mint containers

- Inside remote control cars

- Inside bed posts

- Taped in and under toilet tanks, vanities and sinks

- In flip rings and lockets

- Inside pens and mechanical pencils

- In baby powder, body powder and perfume containers

- Taped to the back of a poster / picture

- In coffee mugs (you can buy them with false bottoms)

- In stash pockets, clothes seams, coat linings

- In wallets/purses

- In contact lens cases

- In dropped ceiling tiles, light fixtures and door /window frames

Of course you can go onto the internet and find a whole lot of information on these and other hiding places.

REMEMBER: If you find ANY any drugs, alcohol, K2 or any paraphernalia - DO NOT DISPOSE OF THEM - Tag them / Bag them / Lock them in a safe place for evidence.

DID WE MISS ANY GOOD HIDING SPOTS? LET US KNOW

If you have any other hiding spots your teen used please respond in the comment section below or send your response to sallyservives@gmail.com

TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THIS SUBJECT OR ANY OTHER ISSUES WITH TEENAGE SUBSTANCE ABUSE PLEASE ATTEND OUR NEXT PSST MEETING

“Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop” Feeling by Jim and Cheryl

2011-11-06T22:30:00.003-05:00

The "Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop" Feeling

As Andy continues in his current court ordered placement, Cheryl and I are very pleased with his progress. His letters home are very upbeat, containing good news for the week…and also very neat penmanship. He was chosen to participate in a SMRC, where they visit and help with taking elderly residents at the local senior care facility to church on Sundays.

Andy’s weekly five minute phone calls are very pleasant. He’s very polite and positive. During this week’s call he had several pieces of good news: he was selected as the program's “client of the week”; he was selected to participate in the L.E.A.P. (Leadership Experiential Adventure Program), he is about to receive his Level 2 and he is taking the SAT's on Saturday.

After four plus years of some ups and mostly downs with Andy, all of this good news should be a parents’ dream come true (and we are happy for him), but why can’t I shake the nagging feeling that I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop?

Andy’s past track record is to be on his best behavior for about three months before going into a self destruct mode. We have gotten our hopes up so many times in the past, only to have them dashed when his behavior “crashes and burns” in self sabotage.

Will we, as parents who love him unconditionally, ever get back to the point of trusting our son? Trust that Andy is telling the truth? Trust that he is clean and sober? Trust that he is obeying all laws? I feel guilty for the self defense mechanism that I’ve developed to guard against the hurt of behavior let down and lawless activity. Will these emotional callouses ever be removed and let us live a family life with some level of normalcy?

We certainly hope so, but there’s that damn other shoe!

Parent Improvement written by 17 year-old recent grad of Outside In

2011-11-05T21:16:00.012-05:00

Page One

I want to share this well-written essay with all of you. This young man at first declined to write this essay pointing out to me that he really just needed to focus on himself, not on anybody else. I ask to consider doing it as a favor to me and then he was happy to do it. I think he put some real thought into this assignment, which was "What advice to you have for parents who are struggling with teenagers who have a drug problem."

I think it is better to read this in his own handwriting, so I am putting four links in this post, one to each page of this young man's essay. By the way, I did not discuss with him what he would write. This is all his own thinking and put in his own words.

PSST for Today

2011-11-04T13:29:00.024-05:00

Reading the quote of the week "Just For Today" made me think of something similar. PSST for today.

1. PSST for today I will not yell at my teenagers. If they yell at me, I will take an inch of their space, lower my voice, talk slower. I will deescalate not escalate.

2. PSST for today I will make it my business to find part of what my teenager says that I can agree with and tell him that I agree. PSST for today I will PSSTwist that agreement to my own talking points.

3. PSST for today I will not reward any behavior that I would like to extinguish. If my teenager is pushy, loud, or manipulative when he asks for something the answer will be NO. When I see behavior I like I will pay attention and find a way, not always a material way, to reward that behavior.

4. PSST for today when my teenager harasses me repeatedly to give in on something that I already said 'no' to, I will tell him that I get it that he just 'needs' to keep asking. I will invite him to ask me as much as he wants right now, and get all the harassment over with. "No, but ask me again," I might say after each harassment.

5. PSST for today I will remember that when I'm saying 'No,' power words such as 'Nevertheless' and 'Regardless' are my best friends. They keep me on track and help me not to be distracted from the real issue.

6. PSST for today I will not argue with or 'debate' my teenager.

7. PSST for today I will try to really listen to what my teenager is saying. I may not agree, but it is my job to show him that I pay attention to what he says.

8. PSST for today I will try to present situations or problems to my teenager designed to help me build new trust. I know that people change, and when my teenager starts changing I want to be their to support him and ready to allow more trust when it is earned.

9. PSST for today, if I do not believe that my teenager can be trusted to go where he says he is going, to do what he says he is going to do, then I will tell him to stay home where I can supervise him. I will let him know that by accepting this gracefully he is starting the process of trusting again.

10. PSST for today I will not keep secrets for my teenager if it is significant to his recovery or his probation. PSST for today I will remember that secrets keep us sick.

11. PSST for today I will hold my teenager accountable. I may hate to be the bad guy, but PSST for today I will remember that my teenager needs me to be his parent, not his friend. PSST for today I will remember that when he is older hopefully we can be friends.

12. PSST for today I will remember to set a good example. PSST for today I will remember that my teenager may defiantly refuse to do what I tell him but he will never fail to imitate me. PSST for today I will model an adult who is like someone that I want my teenager to grow up to be: honest, law-abiding, caring and able to be free from substance abuse.

13. PSST for today I will model an adult who is able to pursue happiness, which may include having interests and hobbies that I feel passionate about, a career that I am proud of, or friends that I care about. PSST for today I will let my teenager know that I am more than just a parent and that even if my teenager is in placement or inpatient, life for me goes on.

14. PSST for today I will try not to ask my teenager "Why." PSST for today I know that I will get more information from him by asking him questions like, "What was that like for you," What would it be like for you if", "Tell me about how that whole thing happened." PSST for today I will remember that open-ended questions are more effective and help me get to know my teenager better. PSST for today I will remember that "Why" tends to make people defensive and makes teenagers shut down.

15. PSST for today I will use good strong body language, direct eye-contact and say things like I mean them. PSST for today i will mean what I say and back up what I say with actions.

16. PSST for today I will place safety as my first priority. PSST for today, I will remember that drugs and alcohol kill and PSST for today I will take whatever actions I deem are necessary to keep my teenager safe.

17. PSST for today I will remember that taking some action is better than taking no action. PSST for today I will allow myself reasonable time to make a decision, time to ask for suggestions from people whose opinions matter, but within a reasonable time I will make a decision and take action commensurate to that decision. PSST for today, I will remind myself that teenagers don't listen to what I say, they listen to what I do.

18. PSST for today I will allow myself the freedom to change my mind, especially if new information is available. "Oops, Sorry but I'm just going to change my mind about that."

19. PSST for today when my son is frustrated and tells me to "go away or I will lose it", I will respect his need for some personal time & space. However I will also assert myself by saying "You're right, it would be better to talk about this later."

20. PSST for today I will strive to be consistent.

21. PSST for today I will try to remember to compliment my teenager when they do something right. We sometimes get so wrapped up in our personal resentment / fear that we forget that they are trying to improve themselves.

22. PSST for today I will accept, maybe even embrace, that my child who is an addict hates me (for now) - I know that I am doing the right thing and I can wait for them to thank me at a later date (if ever) - For now I know they are alive.

23 PSST for today I will take my time to give my teen an answer. If possible I will consult with my spouse (even if they are a step-parent) or someone I trust before I give my answer. They will need to learn to be patient and not expect an instant yes or no.

Please leave a comment especially if you can add to this PSST for Today ideas.

Dealing with O.D. and Death

2011-11-01T10:00:00.002-05:00

Dealing with O.D. and Death

Someone very close to us just lost a cousin to an overdose last week. This of course brings mixed feelings of sorrow and anger, of release and guilt, of "I told you so" and of "why?" Many of us at PSST have been touched by the death of someone due to an overdose, an accident while under the influence or by suicide.

It makes the assertion "Well, it is only marijuana / alcohol / K2 / whatever... " ring very hollow.

Following is a condensed version of an article on Death by Overdose by Dr. Abraham Twerski. Much of what he says can also be applied to dealing with a loved one's addiction.

As Dr. Twerski notes: There is a mixture of intense anger and guilt. Why did he/she use drugs? Why didn’t he/she accept help when it was offered? How could he/she have done this?

To read the entire article click on the title below:

Reacting to O.D. by Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski

"It is natural that when one has lived to a ripe old age and passes on, that the grief can be assuaged by sharing memories.

It is totally different when parents mourn the loss of a child. This is a disruption of nature, and the pain is profound. Even when the acute pain subsides, the wound is never healed."

It is much different when the death is the result of a drug overdose.

It is not unusual for mourners to feel some guilt. They may think back at some harsh words they may have said toward the departed person, or not having been as considerate as they might have been. But such interchanges are part of normal living, and these guilt feelings generally evaporate. Sometimes psychotherapy may be necessary to assuage these feelings.

It is much different when the death is the result of a drug overdose.

There is a mixture of intense anger and guilt.

Why did he/she use drugs? Why didn’t he/she accept help when it was offered?

We drove ourselves into deep debt to pay for treatment. How could he/she have done this to us?

Then there is the guilt.

Why wasn’t I a better parent?

Why did I put other things before the welfare of my child?

Why didn’t I notice that my child was depressed?

Why didn’t I seek help earlier?

These and similar feelings torment the survivors endlessly.

These feelings are difficult to overcome. As powerful as logic may be, it is weak when it confronts such intense emotion. But on the other hand, logic is the only tool we have.

After forty years of treating addiction and writing on the condition, I must admit that I don’t understand addiction. Like many kinds of pain, it is a phenomenon that exists but defies our understanding.

No one starts life with the goal of becoming an addict.

It happens in dysfunctional families, but it also happens in families where there is no apparent dysfunction. Invariably, parents of an addict feel responsible, and much more so when there is an overdose.

Yet, with few exceptions, parents are well-intentioned, even if they did not practice ideal parenting techniques (whatever these may be). We try to do our best, but our best may not be what the child really needed, yet we had no way of knowing this.

Our culture preaches that everyone has a right to pursue happiness, but there are so many obstacles to achieving it. Youngsters who feel deprived of happiness, and who have the immaturity of youth may resort to chemicals in the hope of finding the elusive happiness.

When Nancy Reagan launched the program, “Just Say No to Drugs,” some researchers interviewed young people for their reactions. One 14 year old girl said, “Why? What else is there?”

This is an indictment of a culture that has failed to teach youngsters that there is more to life than getting high.

We may try to place blame for an O.D. death, but there is really no one to blame, not the addict and not the family.

Guilt can be constructive when one has committed a wrong, because it encourages a person to make amends and set things right.

When guilt cannot serve this purpose, it is a destructive feeling. As limited as logic is, one should realize that beyond making amends and avoiding hurtful behavior, there is nothing to be gained by wallowing in guilt.

Anger, too, can be constructive if we are angry at wrongdoing and injustice, because such anger may motivate us to try and prevent injustice to the extent we can.

But when anger cannot be productive, it is foolish to harbor it.

The wise King Solomon said, “Anger rests in the bosom of a fool” (Ecclesiastes 7:9).

You may not be able to avoid feeling angry, but there is nothing to gain by hanging on to it.

There is very little one can say to comfort those who grieve an O.D.

Perhaps all one can say is that acceptance does not mean approval. Accept the pain, because there is no choice.

Do what you can to make today and tomorrow better for yourself and others.

Stop trying to make yesterday better. It can’t be done.

Copyright © Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski. All Rights Reserved.

Sad Day in Western PA-13 yr old dies fr Smoking Synthetic Marijuana

2011-10-28T12:39:00.002-05:00

"Boy, 13, Ill From Synthetic Marijuana Dies

PITTSBURGH -- A western Pennsylvania boy who became ill after smoking synthetic marijuana (spice) and had a double lung transplant has died. A 13-year-old, died Thursday morning at Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh at UPMC. The boy smoked the fake marijuana out of a plastic PEZ candy dispenser and suffered chemical burns to both lungs as a result. He was put on a respirator in June and had a double-lung transplant in September.

Gov. Tom Corbett signed a law outlawing such substances a few days after the boy smoked the substances. The ban took effect in August" WPXI TV

Thank you Gov. Corbett for enacting this law. This family will NEVER be the same.

Parents, if you are struggling with a teen abusing substances or even suspect it, come to the next PSST meeting 11/5/11. You will find help and support from a team of professionals and seasoned parents. You won't regret it!

The Transitioning Your Teen Trip ~ By Sally and Rocco

2011-10-26T13:39:00.003-05:00

What a Long Strange Trip It Has Been

It is a long and winding road to recovery for most addicts and their families.

It has been about five years now since Sally and Rocco first saw some major red flags and realized that Cisco needed help.

He had gone from our happy well behaved kid with a great sense of humor, an inspired imagination, a love for all kinds of animals and very outgoing personality to a very angry teen who was getting in fights, having a lot of school issues, withdrawing from our family and bringing home some rather dubious “friends”.

We started on our adventure with an outdated road map, a couple of well intentioned glossy brochures and no idea where we were headed. We had no GPS or AAA TripTik® . We knew where wanted to get to but had very little idea of how to get there, how long it would take or what we would find on our way down the road.

If you have followed our posts over the last two years you may be aware that we got Cisco into counseling for anger management back in 2006. His first overdose occurred in September of 2007 . The get-a-way weekend that Rocco and I planned for our thirtieth anniversary ended up as a nightmare in the emergency room.

So here we are five years, 2 overdoses, a couple of relapses, eight or nine court appearances and seven placements down the road and we are (as we like to say in PSST) cautiously optimistic.

We have all made adjustments in our lives and we are working on our own recovery. Rocco and Sally have gradually learned, modified our lifestyle and understand addiction better now. We just got done talking with our cousin (who became acquainted with addiction herself through her two brothers who suffer from it). She said that she had noticed a big change in Cisco lately. We agree.

We thought, at first, that the toughest part of addiction was Cisco causing trouble at school and creating general chaos in our home.

We used to think the toughest part of addiction was when Cisco was getting high and was having emotional issues.

We used to think the toughest part of addiction was when Cisco was stealing and dealing to get drugs.

We then thought that the toughest part of addiction was when Cisco was confronted by the police who told us that they were filing charges against our son.

No! No! The very toughest part had to be when he was finally placed into an inpatient recovery program and we had to deal with how much he hated us and the F##ing facility and he was going to use again as soon as he got out...

…or could it be when we had to meet in court and Cisco had to go before a hearing officer…

...or maybe when we first experienced all of the buzzers and banging doors at the Shuman Detention Center...

…or maybe when he would successfully completed his treatment program and we thought that we could get on with our lives and then he would relapse.

Well, now we know that the “next” toughest part of our journey still lies ahead of us

What really is happening is that each new day holds its own set of toughest challenges, bumps in the road and detours.

Cisco, Sally and Rocco have come a long way. Cisco has started a full time job. This in itself holds a lot of challenges for all three of us. At this point we are allowing him to stay at home, on a part time basis, as we adjust to each other once again.

With the help of Cisco’s counselors, and his P.O., we are trying to assist Cisco in his transition to a “normal” life style.

We are trying to work him into living back at home until he can manage (and afford) to live independently. Cisco needs to adjust how he deals with our family, how he handles his money, how he handles friends and how he acquires career training skills. He needs to work on his skills for handling the pressures of work and his personal life.

Most important, of course, is how Cisco continues to work on his recovery. He should attend meetings on a regular basis. He should make his sponsor a big part of his recovery and his life. He should avoid people and places that affect his attitude or that puts him into circumstances that jeopardize his recovery. He needs to sharpen up his ability to make good decisions and good choices on his own. He needs to be able to ask for help when he needs it without hesitation.

As for Sally and Rocco, we need to redevelop our trust in Cisco; that he can eventually handle this on his own and to accept that while Cisco will not do it perfectly; he has and he still is making progress. In the meantime he is doing well at his job and he is following our home rules. Sally has worked up a budget with him but he is still debating it.

We have both explained that, IF he really wants to purchase a car, besides the initial price he will need to save a lot of his paycheck for fuel, insurance and repairs. That will be Stop #1 on Cisco’s own road to independent living.

Will keep you posted on how the trip is going…

REBUILDING TRUST

2011-10-23T23:46:00.009-05:00

REBUILDING TRUST

Once trust in another person has been damaged or lost, rebuilding that trust can be a very emotional and difficult journey for both parties. For most PSST parents, our teenagers have shattered our trust in them – trust that was so freely given at first, but now lies in ruins. On their journey to recovery, our teens hopefully will want to know what they can do to restore that trust. If we believe that they are truly serious, and that they are willing to commit to the demanding process involved, here is a step-by-step approach that we can try. The Four Steps to Trust and Freedom, developed by Larry Babaczewski of Milwaukee Solution Focus, was discussed at a PSST meeting by one of our guests.

Four Steps to Trust and Freedom!!

1) Do as I/we say.

Certainly not a fan favorite coming right out of the chute, but … classrooms, ball fields, and McDonald’s all begin with the ability to LISTEN and FOLLOW DIRECTIONS. No soccer game, term paper, or Big Mac was ever conquered without this first basic stepping stone of proving that you can get the job done according to plan.

○ On a scale of 1-10, rate the current level of trust – e.g. 5 [parent rating].

○ Then, ask if step #1 was followed for two full weeks – what would the trust level be – e.g. 6. In a month, what would the trust level be – e.g. 7.

○ At the end of two weeks, everyone rates how well the step was followed – on a scale of 1-10. Any rating below an 8 calls for another two weeks of step #1. Ratings above 8 call for a discussion of moving to step #2 – and perhaps, moving to step #2.

2) Ask me first.

So, if you can do the first step well, then maybe the authority figure you are facing may actually listen to you as you carefully and respectfully describe whatever it is you are wanting. This challenges your DISCUSSION and NEGOTIATION skills. Want to change the topic of the class term paper or argue for a later curfew time? Absolutely! … unless you forgot to do step #1.

Conveying what you want respectfully and carefully does not guarantee you will get what you want – so it may be wise to start “small” – e.g. ask for a chance to see a movie and not for a car of your own. This step is an opportunity to get better at negotiation [develop your effective ‘voice’] – all parents feel more positive when they see and hear that their child is developing an effective voice [versus a ranting or whining/”poor me” voice]. This is a time to let your parents know that you have used good judgment or used your head “out there” – e.g. you chose to call them to take you home from a party where there was underage drinking.

On a scale of 1-10, everyone rates how it is going with step #2 – e.g. “asking”/negotiating = 3 because it was not done – you went ahead without asking; or a 7 because it was done in a way that “discussion” and “negotiation” occurred and if a “no” was the response it was accepted. Here, mom and dad need to be clear about what is a “no” that is not negotiable – e.g. while you live under our roof you may not have your boyfriend sleep overnight in your bedroom! And what might be negotiable – if you get nothing less than a B for two grading periods, you can get your driver’s permit.

As negotiating gets stronger/more effective, using a scaling, you are ready to move to the next step – e.g. if you and your parents rate you at an 8 or 9 for a month.

3) Keep us informed/Tell us later.

By now you have earned enough trust and freedom and proven you are responsible so well that you can let your parents know if plans have changed – keep them informed or explain later what changed and why – if you make something up … whoops! … go back to step #1 for a while.

With cell phones and texting, it is easy to keep your parents informed, so err in this direction instead of telling them later. Be prompt about letting them know – let them know as soon as you know. Again use a 1-10 scale to measure how well you are doing with this step. If your rating differs from theirs, it is a chance to use your negotiation skills. This step may need to go on for a while before moving to the next step – yet another chance for negotiating.

4) You’re on your own.

Congratulations! You must have proven yourself to dress appropriately for school, hang around with decent enough friends or eat right, so that your decisions/judgments in these areas of your life are not even questioned by the powers that be. You’ve ESTABLISHED a sense of independent operations … at least in some areas of your life. But remember, do something dumb and fail to honor the basics of step #1, and back to basics you’ll go.

Bam Bam is still Flexing his Muscles ~ by Wilma

2011-10-23T23:45:00.010-05:00

Bam Bam is still Flexing his Muscles

25 days in the DAS (Diversion and Acute Stabilization) program, and what is Bam Bam up to?

Well, in his first two weeks he “fell” on his already fractured hand and had to go to the ER and orthopedic surgeon where his re-fractured hand was wrapped up. THE NIGHT he went to the orthopedic doctor he was mad because his dad wouldn’t pick him up if he signed himself out so he punched a wall with the FRACTURED HAND. He called home begging Fred or me to go up there to take him to the ER.

We were told it was not an emergency and refused to be manipulated into picking him up.

I think this demand came from the day before the trip to the orthopedic doctor, when Fred drove up to Quarry Rock and picked Bam up to take him to the ER at our local hospital to check him out for chest pain. It was determined that there was no physical problem but that Bam Bam was suffering from anxiety.

The ER doc gave him a Xanax. Neither Bam nor Fred informed the doc that Bam Bam was a recovering addict.

After the hospital visit, Fred took Bam Bam home to change clothes, spray on some body spray and then stopped for some fast food on the way back to Quarry Rock. No wonder he wants Fred to take him to the hospital ER!

Since he punched a wall with his fractured hand, he again was taken to the ER by Quarry Rock staff and another appointment made for the orthopedic doc. This time the hand was casted. However, Bam Bam decided he didn’t need a cast so two days later he took it off himself.

We had a family meeting this past Thursday and we discussed Bam’s aftercare plans as Quarry Rock was planning on discharging him next Tuesday. At first the meeting was going o.k.

Then Bam decides he’s going to manipulate the meeting.

He tells us he’s not going back to school (he already had agreed to go back to his home school) and wants to go back to cyber school (he likes how cyber school with a teacher works in placement) which he’d already failed at earlier in the year and we had said NO CYBER SCHOOL, started making demands about his phone and friends, said he wouldn’t go back to his psychiatrist.

We all just stared at him – WHAT IS GOING ON? He is less than a week from discharge!!

The therapist told him she wasn’t taking sides, but that we as parents are not being unreasonable to have him earn his phone back, ease into friends, and that he had already agreed to return to his psychiatrist.

For those who don’t know, Bam was on the outs with his psychiatrist when she called him out on drug seeking behavior. He didn’t want to go back. However, I could not find another adolescent psychiatrist participating with our insurance that would take a dual diagnosis patient that had not been clean for longer than 16 months.

By the end of the meeting Bam was back on board with all the after care plans, which by the way he was involved in making. After the meeting he and Fred fished in the pond on the grounds even though it was drizzling and freezing.

At this point I felt o.k. with bringing him home on Tuesday. HOWEVER, that evening he called twice. Even after the first call I thought we still have a plan. After the 2nd phone call I felt as if we were at SQUARE ONE again.

Bam Bam told me he wasn’t going back to school, he wanted to do cyber-school as the teacher at Quarry Rock told him he was doing a good job there. Bam said after all he doesn’t have an x-box or i-pod to distract him, and of course he would have probation (by the way, he has charges now). I tried to explain to him that Miss Meg from Quarry Rock wasn’t moving in to monitor his school work and that his P.O. wouldn’t be sitting with him all day to make sure he does his school work.

All I could envision is that Bam comes home Tuesday, Wednesday he refuses to go to school. This is exactly the type of situation that brings cops to our house!

I called the case manager and therapist the next day and told them unless Bam Bam has the school piece of his discharge in place (even if it is an alternative school but not cyber school at home) we would not pick him up.

Of course we were informed that then CYF would be involved and I said I knew that and I’d go through with it. If Bam Bam wants to make his own rules and not follow rules at home, he doesn’t have to come home. His discharge was moved back to Thursday. He and the therapist have more work to do and then we all get back together on Tuesday.

Fred and I decided not to go up on Saturday and take Bam out for a meal as it felt like we would be rewarding him for all of the upheaval. Needless to say Bam Bam was not happy. He called his aunt who went up for a visit and took him fishing at the pond. I was actually glad that he reached out to her. He has not wanted to be around family for a long time. Except his cousin, Cool J, who was arrested for possession a couple of months ago.

Bam called us later Saturday evening about coming up on Sunday, but we told him we couldn’t. He told Fred then he wouldn’t go back to school if we didn’t come up! He called later to tell me his he broke his closet door frame at Quarry Rock because he was mad.

And he is supposed to come home this Thursday!

So, it is Sunday night and I am wondering what is going to happen tomorrow??

I just want to say that posting our story on the blog is cathartic and helps me by talking about it. I also hope it might help someone else out there going through a similar situation.

Should I try to get my teenager a Juvenile Probation Officer?

2011-10-19T07:01:00.002-05:00

There is a lot of good information in the PSST Blog archives. Here is some information for parents wondering why they would ever want to get a Juvenile Probation Officer for their teenager. It worked well for our son Cisco and Sally and me, however, you will need to determine if it would help your teen and you. As always, if you are looking for help with your troubled teenager, we invite you to our PSST Meetings to discuss this and other ways to get help for your family and to restore order in your home.

Should I try to get my teenager a Juvenile Probation Officer?
Posted by Lloyd Woodward --May 25, 2009

Sometimes parents in group hear other parents talk about how helpful it was to have a Juvenile Probation Officer (JPO) for their teenager. This post will deal with the pros and cons to having a JPO and also cover the process of how Juvenile Court determines which teenagers to supervise. Also, if a parent decides that it would be a good idea to get a JPO to help supervise their teenager, it is not necessarily an easy thing to do.

First, we'll cover the process for getting a JPO and we will follow that with the downside and upside of having one for your teenager. Before you decide whether or not to go down this road make sure to read the downside part too.

To read the entire post click on the title: Should I try to get my teenager a Juvenile Probation Officer?

What if My Teen is Using Drugs?

2011-10-14T09:30:00.003-05:00

What if My Teen is Using Drugs?

Adapted from the Complete Guide to Family Health, Nutrition & Fitness, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Copyright © 2006, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

focusonthefamily.com/parenting

(Throughout this section, unless otherwise stated, the words drug or drugs will be used to indicate any potentially harmful substance — tobacco, alcohol, prescription medications or illegal drugs.)

Even closely knit families with strong values and ongoing drug-proofing have no guarantee that substance abuse won't affect one or more of their children. The problems may range from a brief encounter with cigarettes to an episode of intoxication (perhaps with legal consequences) to an addiction.

As you begin to cope with one or more chemical intruders in your home, keep the following principles in mind:

1. Don't deny or ignore the problem
2. Don't waste time wallowing in false guilt or wondering who to blame
3. Seek help from professionals experienced with treating drug problems
4. Be prepared to make difficult, "tough love" decisions
5. Do not look for or expect quick-fix solutions
6. Remember the father of the Prodigal Son

1. Don't deny or ignore the problem - If you do, it will worsen until your family life is turned inside out. Take the bull by the horns - be sure to find out exactly how big and ugly the bull is.

The marijuana cigarette you discovered may be a one-time experiment or just the tip of the iceberg.

Talk to your child and anyone else who may know the extent of the problem. You may not like what you hear, but better to get the hard truth now than a regrettable surprise later.

Editor’s Note: Ignoring the Problem is NOT a Solution.

2. Don't waste time wallowing in false guilt or wondering who to blame - Many parents assume a great deal of self-blame when a drug problem erupts in their home. Others waste a lot of time looking for someone to blame for their child’s issues.

Neither one of these actions will help your teen.

Remember that drug users must accept responsibility before they can resolve their issues.

Editor's Note: - the emphasis here is "don't waste time", you have a critical situation that needs immediate attention - there will be a lot of time later to discuss your teen's choice to use.

3. Seek help from professionals experienced with treating drug problems - Talk to your physician, minister or counselor. Seek out a 12 Step Program [or a group like Parent Survival Skills Training – PSST]. They can refer you to a professional who is experienced in dealing with all of your teen’s issues and how it affects your family.

This may include educational sessions, individual and family counseling, medical treatment and long-term follow-up.

If your teen’s behavior is out of control and he is unwilling to acknowledge that there is a problem, a carefully planned intervention by family members and others affected may need to be carried out under the supervision of an experienced counselor.

The goal is to convince the drug user in a firm but loving way of the need for change — NOW.

The confrontation should include specific alternatives for the type of treatment he will undergo and clear-cut consequences if he is not willing to cooperate.

4. Be prepared to make difficult, "tough love" decisions - If you have a drug-dependent adolescent who will not submit to treatment and insists on continuing drug use and other destructive actions, you will need to take the stomach-churning step of informing him that he cannot continue to live in your home while carrying on this behavior.

This will be necessary not only to motivate him to change but to prevent his drug-induced turbulence from destroying the rest of your family.

If you must take this drastic step, it would be helpful to present him with one or more options.

These might include entering an inpatient drug-treatment center, halfway house, boot-camp program, boarding school or youth home, or possibly staying with a relative or another family who is willing to accept him for a defined period of time.

More ominous possibilities may need to be discussed as well, such as making him a ward of the court or even turning him over to the police if he has been involved in criminal activity.

If you continue to shield him from the consequences of his behavior or bail him out when his drugs get him into trouble, [a.k.a. Enable him] he will not change and you will be left with deep-seated anger and frustration.

Editor's Note: Do not be discouraged when your teenager blames you for their problems and tells you how much they hate you – this is their addictive behavior talking.

Do not accept the blame and don’t be overly-concerned with trying to get them to “love” you [a.k.a. Enabling] or convince them how much you love them. Trying to use adult logic/common sense with a teen drug addict is frustrating at best.

5. Do not look for or expect quick-fix solutions -
It is normal to wish for a single intervention that will make a drug problem go away. But one conversation, one counseling session, one prayer or one trip to the doctor will not be enough.

Think in terms of a long term comprehensive response encompassing specific treatment, counseling and aftercare.

Editor’s Note: Since most of our teenage drug abusers rarely go voluntarily into a recovery program, and seldom admit that they have a problem, they generally do not immediately embrace their recovery. Do not be discouraged if it takes several tries before they accept responsibility for their own recovery.

6. Remember the father of the Prodigal Son - Tough love means allowing the consequences of bad decisions to be fully experienced by one who is making those decisions.

It also means that your child knows a parent's love for him is there for him in tough times. Never give up hope, never stop praying, and never slam the door on reconciliation and restoration when your child comes to own his recovery.

Other things to keep in mind:

- Do not be afraid to question your counselor. If something that they say does not feel right with you do not be afraid to speak up, question them or let them know that you disagree. If you need to, do not hesitate to find another counselor.

- Addiction of any kind is a "Family Disease". While your child is working on their recovery; you and your family need professional help to work on your own recovery. If your child returns to the same family situation with unresolved issues the chances of his relapse increase dramatically.

- Someone has to step up and be the adult here - "It's only [tobacco - marijuana - alcohol]", "I would would feel like a hypocrite, I used..." and "He'll turn 18 soon and it will be his problem" are all cop outs. Tobacco, marijuana and alcohol are all highly addictive, and potentially deadly drugs, to your teenager. The longer you wait to get help the more serious the consequences will be.

- Your child's life and their future is more important than your social or professional standing, what your family, friends, neighbors, church, coworkers or boss will think, or their sports, school activity, scholarship or choice of college.

Why Would My Teen Use Drugs?

What are the factors that influence kids to use drugs?

Adapted from the Complete Guide to Family Health, Nutrition & Fitness

Attitudes - Tobacco, alcohol and other drug-related behaviors among families will usually be duplicated in their children.

Attractiveness – Alcohol and Tobacco are widely promoted as something enjoyed by sophisticated, fun-loving, attractive and sexy people — what most adolescents want to be.

Illegal drugs are "advertised" by those using them in teen peer groups.

Peer-pressure - The need for peer acceptance is especially strong during the early adolescent years and "Just Say No" may not resonate when it comes to peer-pressure mixed with tobacco, alcohol or using drugs.

Curiosity - Unless your family lives in total isolation, your child will be aware of tobacco, alcohol and drug use well before adolescence from talk at school, radio, TV, movies and direct observation. Some curiosity is inevitable.

Thrill-seeking - Unfortunately, many children and adolescents seek drug experiences to produce thrills that they think that normal life can't duplicate.
Rebellion - Teens may engage in tobacco, alcohol and drug use as a show of independence from family norms and values.

Availability of tobacco, alcohol and drugs - Finding tobacco, alcohol or drugs are not difficult for adolescents in most communities – Urban, Suburban, Rural, Affluent, Middle Class or Poor.

Editor’s Note: “Tobacco, alcohol and drugs are equal opportunity destroyers.”

The high induced by drugs - If drug use wasn't pleasurable, it would be relatively easy to keep teens and harmful substances separated. But the reality is that many teens enjoy the way they feel on drugs — at least for a while.

Escape from life/relief from pain - Teens often feel anxious, angry, depressed, oppressed, stressed, bored, unfulfilled. The idea of a chemical "timeout" may look very attractive.

Whether one is down and out or rich and comfortable, substances that bring about relaxation, stimulation or pure escape can be appealing.

A conviction that "it can't happen to me" or that the "consequences don't matter" - Many teenagers and young adults are prone to assume their own invulnerability or immortality, make shortsighted impulsive decisions, or shrug off the most fervent warnings about the pitfalls and perils with a smirk or the defiant pronouncement "I don't care."

Unfortunately, many of them will become deeply involved in drug use and will remain stuck in this immature, self-destructive mind-set.

Adapted from the Complete Guide to Family Health, Nutrition & Fitness, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Copyright © 2006, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

focusonthefamily.com/parenting

IF YOU KNOW, OR EVEN SUSPECT THAT YOUR TEENAGER IS USING DRUGS COME TO THE NEXT PSST MEETING.

THERE IS NO COST OR COMMITMENT.

WE ARE PARENTS OF TEENS WITH ADDICTIONS AND WE KNOW WHAT YOU ARE EXPERIENCING.

WE ARE HERE TO HELP YOU, NOT TO JUDGE YOU.

Just for fun - some South Park parenting

2011-10-11T20:45:00.006-05:00

TSST

Cartman's mother admits that she can't control Cartman. Delightful comedy. Obviously, there is obscene language in this so don't play it in front of children.

This episode has Nanny 911, Super Nanny and The Dog Whisperer.

South Park "TSST"

Disclaimer: While there may some truths about parenting and enabling (or else why would I post it?), PSST is not recommending that anyone follow this approach. As the heading says, this is just for fun.

We have no connection to South Park Studios.com. We are simply providing one picture and one link in hopes that viewers will view this video from it's place of origin, i.e., South Park Studios. If South Park Studios or other owners of this video do not want this graphic picture of Cartman and his mom on our blog, of course we will remove it. We have provided this graphic not for financial gain but only so that we can comment on it.

Letter from Jail

2011-10-11T17:46:00.002-05:00

Originally Posted by:Ken Sutton -- Sunday, February 25, 2007

Re-posted due to update: see comment #6

This is a letter from jail written by the son of a friend. The letter was written over a year ago to someone he does not know but who is having similar challenges. He is out of jail now and doing well. They have both been gracious enough to share this letter thinking it may help someone else.

The letter is a scanned copy of the original. Click each page to make it bigger then use your web browser screen controls to scroll to read it as needed.

Volunteers wanted to sit at booth on 19th and 20th

2011-10-11T11:15:00.001-05:00

The Alliance Against Drugs is having a two day training entitled "Drug Impairment Training for Education Professionals." I'm not sure as of this writing where the two day conference is being held, but I will update this post with that information as soon as I receive it. Debbie Kehoe, Executive Director has indicated that she will have booths outside the training for the two day period. There is no cost for the booth.

If anyone is interested please send me email at lloyd.woodward@alleghenycourts.us

Type rest of the post here

OCT 8 PSST WEXFORD MEETING RECAP

2011-10-08T20:19:00.011-05:00

"WELCOME TO THE PSST ZONE" -- RECAP OCT 8 PSST MEETING IN WEXFORD

This week’s PSST Meeting was held in Wexford. We had the expertise of Lloyd and Julie of Allegheny Juvenile Probation and Kathie T and Justin of Wesley-Spectrum.

There was also another great turnout of of 17 concerned parents, some regulars, some returning alum and some new parents.

EDITOR'S DISCLAIMER: This is an attempt to summarize our latest PSST meeting. We don’t always have the chance to get it done quickly and we sometimes cannot read Rocco’s handwriting [or even imagine what it was he was trying to write] so, Please feel free to edit, elucidate, correct, amend or add to our summary as required in the comment section below. We will not be offended.

Wilma did a super job at keeping us focused as our group leader this week.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

- We had an opportunity to congratulate Daisy as "2011 Allegheny County Juvenile Probation Parent of the Year"

- Lloyd is looking for volunteers for a PSST Booth at an upcoming Alliance Against Drugs Training program scheduled for Oct 19-20 (Wednesday-Thursday) 8:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. at A.W. Career Center, 9600 Babcock Blvd, Allison Park, PA 15101 - Lloyd will post more information on the blog.

- Wilma reminded us about the live workshop on Oppositional Defiant and Anger Issues in Children and Adolescents at the Embassy Suites at the Airport on November 11, 2011. CLICK HERE if you wish to look at the information online.

- DO YOU NEED SOME MORE PARENTAL SUPPORT? ~ "S.O.S. FAMILIES ANONYMOUS GROUP" Squirrel Hill meets Every Tuesday night from 6:00 - 7:30PM

NO Fees - NO last names used - NO forms to fill out ~ NO formal sign-up

NO saying “I’m Sorry”

Families Anonymous is a group of concerned parents, relatives and friends whose lives have been adversely affected by a loved one's addiction to alcohol or drugs.

~ Like PSST, there is no cost and no commitment to attend Families Anonymous

LET’S TALK - because of the large turnout we went around to do short introductions so we could get back to those with more to discuss.

Wilma's son Bam Bam completed his IRF this summer but was not ready to buy into his recovery. Mary worked her best PSST skills to get Bam Bam into a Mental Health Facility. She reported that Bam is doing okay.

Tess’ 18 year old son Linus is doing okay and is adjusting to a 1/2 way house before returning home. She said that they were just informed that Linus has more charges pending.

Remember we here at PSST are here to support you through this Tess. Feel free to reach out to us as you need to.

Rose has an 18 year old son, Joe that completed his High School Diploma while in his Inpatient Recovery Facility (IRF) this spring. Joe's drug of choice is "robo-tripping" [using over the counter cough/cold medications in combinations that produce a high] and he had not lived at home with Rose for over a year. When he completed his IRF this June he left town to be with his dad and try a job in North Carolina. He did okay with the work and saved a nice amount of money over the summer. He stayed clean but lost the job. He decided to return to Rose's house last week. Before the week was over he had ordered "legal" artificial drugs over the internet [labeled "Not for Human Consumption" of course] and relapsed.

*More on this later in this post*

Jessica's son Herman, 18, has been through a couple of Inpatient Recovery Programs and a halfway house but is not ready to accept his recovery and now is in another Inpatient Recovery Program. If Herman really wants to come home [and he says he does] then he is going to need to learn how to assimilate with his family. He will need to live by rules that Jessica and Roger never thought they would need to have in their house but then they didn't know what it was to be parents of an addict.

If Herman is not ready to live by their regulations then he may need to start working on a plan to live independently on his own. They will visit Herman this weekend.

Jessica and Roger now know that they hold the power. They now feel comfortable disagreeing with counselors and other "experts".

Jessica, you and Roger have been through the whole spectrum of recovery in a little less than one year and you guys are doing well and appear to be taking good care of yourselves and your family. Thanks so much for being part of PSST and being there for others.

Joan's daughter Melissa, 20, drug of choice is opiates. She is currently in an inpatient Recovery Program and is clean for 5 months. Melissa has not been home for the last 10 months has indicated that she wants to rebuild her relationship with the family. Joan understands, intellectually, that this reconciliation will need to be carefully laid out and planned and worked on but her heart tells her to hurry up.

Joan realizes that Melissa probably cannot come back home and will need to work on "personal responsibility" and learn how to support herself independently.

For today Joan is "cautiously optimistic."

Daisy has a 16 year old son Ozzie. Daisy is a single mom and an inspiration to us at PSST for how she has turned her own life around. Ozzie is another teen who did not accept his recovery and is in his third IRF. Daisy told us that she has had some good family sessions with Ozzie but that his anger seems to be resurfacing.

This might be because when the therapists and counselors ask Daisy if she could give in a little and maybe compromise a little; she firmly tells them "No I am not comfortable compromising, but ask me again if you need too." She knows that she never wants to go back to the way things were.

Thanks for being a big part of PSST Daisy and one more time, Congratulations on being named 2011 Parent of the Year.

Emily has a 16 year old son, Jerry. Jerry recently was assigned probation has been in an IRF for almost three months. He is almost ready to complete his program but Emily is not sure if Jerry is ready to accept his recovery or to come home yet.

Lloyd said he will work with her to review this and help determine where Jerry stands at this time.

Jenn has a son, Dylan, 15, has been in an IRF for about 5 months. Dylan is coming along well in his recovery but is still having some anger issues. Because of this he has missed out on his 3rd home pass. He is having an issue with following rules. On the good side he is not complaining that someone else is to blame for him missing his pass or making him angry. He is taking responsibility his mistakes.

Thanks to Jenn and Brad for their contribution to PSST and for being a good example of moving on with their lives. Hope that Brad had a good time taking some time off on a beautiful Satuday like we had.

Sally and Rocco's 19 year old son Cisco is currently in an adult 1/2 way house and is doing very well in his recovery and working towards finding a life skill so that he can eventually live on his own.

Cisco had an interview for a job last week and indications are that will get it. This is a good thing in itself and is something that we have been working towards. It does not act as a trigger to us [since Cisco never really had a steady job] but it does wave a couple of red flags in front of Rocco and Sally.

The little angel on our right shoulder is telling us "Cisco will handle the job, learn how to budget his money well, buy his car and mature with the responsibility and take another clean and sober step towards his independence. Everything will be just fine. Remember this is exactly what you wanted."

The little devil on our left shoulder is screaming at us "OMG!! Cisco will blow his money, on clothes, on cigarettes, on fast food and he will be tempted to spend his money on drugs and alcohol!!!" That little devil is also warning us that Cisco will come back home and 2 weeks later he will either quit his job or get fired and we will have him back home with no job and no ambition to find one and relapsing! "Are you guys crazy?!"

The reality, of course, is somewhere in between.

But there are a lot of issues that have popped up quickly and we both need to heed Jerry's advice and take a deep breath, take a step back and move slowly. Because Cisco brings up coming home NOW doesn't mean we need to make a decision NOW.

We have scheduled a meeting with Cisco and Jerry for Wednesday to discuss and plan where we go from here. One day at a time.

Brigitte's 17 year old son Pierre has been home from his IRF for almost 2 months and has had some issues. He is doing well in school, he is keeping his room clean and has a good attitude. Brigitte and Francois are feeling better about where he is but it will take time for the family to heal and for Pierre to regain their trust. Addiction is a family disease and each member needs to work on their own recovery.

Violet has a son, Sal, about to turn 20. Sal has been through a few Inpatient Recovery Programs. He is currently attending his second year of college and is doing well both in school and in his recovery.

Violet is working on her recovery. Like so many of us she knows in her head where she should be but is not quite there in her heart. She feels like she may never get to the point where she will be able to trust Sal, like she is waiting for the other shoe to drop. It all takes time.

At first we just want our child to get some help and to have a few months of clean time. Then we are looking for a major change in attitude. Then we are looking for them to begin to think about their own future and all along the way they have their ups and downs, Relapse and more recovery. We wish it could all just end but it takes time. We still have our child and we have some order in our homes and our lives. It is more than we could imagine a year or two ago.

As we noted before, lets look for progress, not perfection in our own recovery and our child's recovery.

Kitty has two sons, Carlyle, 18, and his older brother Cat, 23, who was home for about 2 months from a recovery facility before relapsing. Kitty told him that he needs to check himself in to another recovery program and that he can not live at home while he is using. Kitty heard that he was living in a garage in the neighborhood and sure enough when she checked she found him sleeping in her garage. She will not enable him but she is letting him keep his phone so that she can stay in touch with him. Kitty knows that there is not much that you can do to force your adult son into his recovery but she is checking all of her options and open to suggestions.

Her younger son, Carlyle, is clean and doing well and had his hearing and is off of his home monitor. He is still on 5 months of "Observation." He seems to be on the right track and is looking for a job. He plans to register for the spring semester at Community College.

Vera has a 16 year old son Tommy. Tommy is currently in an Inpatient Recovery Facility (IRF). He has a 12 hour home pass last weekend and Vera said he did well. He wanted to go to an N/A meeting and to do some shopping and to spend some tim eat home to see his sister. Vera explained to him that there would be no friends, that his was a visit to reconnect with his family and he was okay with that. He thinks that he will be ready to be released after 45 day in his inpatient program but Vera wants him to stay for the full 90 days.

At first most of our kids visualize their Inpatient Recovery Program more as a jail sentence [especially if they are court ordered into the program]. instead of accepting and working on their recovery they count the days they are there. If anyone even mentions to them that it is possible to be released in 30 or 45 days that is all they can think of. It is like "Hey, I've done my time. I am getting off early for good behavior. My counselor told me."

Having been in this situation, during Cisco's first placement, Sally and I can relate to the panic and confusion that you feel with the idea of them coming home before they are ready. We had endless conversations explaining to our son that it was not about "time" it was about his accepting and working on his recovery. This took a while to sink in for him and still pops up once in a while.

Unfortunately some counselors do bring up the subject of an early release and parents need to be prepared to tell them and their child that they are "Not Comfortable with that decision". A suggestion that worked for us was to tell Cisco that if he and his counselor insisted on his early release then he would need to be released into a 1/2 way home for 3 to 6 months because, again, we are "Not Comfortable" with him coming directly home and will not accept him. Cisco was more than happy to complete his 90 days after that.

Another determining factor here, unfortunately, is that many times our totally callous and perfunctory health insurance industry [better known as our Health Insurance Denier]. The reality is that many times our health insurance will just outright deny payment for our children's recovery.

Maria, one of our PSST Alumna Moms, returned to tell us that her 20 year old son, Bert, is now 2 years clean and doing well. He is living with his dad and working. Unfortunately he does not communicate all that much with his Maria. But she can accept that his being alive and clean is the most important thing at this time.

This is a regrettable situation with some of our children in recovery. In order for them to work their recovery successfully they need to almost completely detach from their parents and family for a time.

Thanks you so much for visiting with us at PSST Maria, it is always good to see you and encouraging to hear about one of our children making it in their recovery.

New to PSST is Maddie and her mom, Agnes. Maddie has two sons Davey, 17, and Herb ,16 and they live with Agnes and her husband.

Davey began using around age 14 and has progressed from marijuana and alcohol to opiates and any other drugs he could get hold of. Maddie used ACT 53 to get Davey into an Inpatient Recovery Program which he successfully completed. He did well enough that his ACT 53 was closed in late summer of 2010.

Since that time Davey's drug abuse increased, as well as poor school attendence, his disregard of rules and his anger problem. All of these issues are tied closely together and a lot of us at PSST have experienced them with our teenage addicts.

Davey spent the first 3 months of this year in another Inpatient Recovery Program and was released with an in-home intensive outpatient program. He has totally disregarded his program, and gone back to his same friends and old habits. His in-home program discharged him with the recommendation to use ACT 53 and to file charges to get him onto juvenile probation.

Davey has a hearing for this at the end of this month and Maddie and Agnes are both concerned about 1.) telling him that he has a hearing and 2.) getting him to his hearing.

Her younger son Herb continues to use marijuana despite all of the trouble he has witnessed with his older brother's drug use. He also has a hearing coming up.

You certainly have your hands full Maddie but you certainly are a pro-active parent and hopefully with the support of PSST things will begin to work better for you and your parents in the near future. Thanks for attending the meeting and please continue with PSST. We all have had very similar experiences and are here to support and encourage you in your family's recovery.

STAY TUNED – THE PSST ZONE WILL BE CONTINUED

2011 ALLEGHENY COUNTY PARENT OF THE YEAR

2011-10-07T10:26:00.013-05:00

DAISY NAMED AS 2011 ALLEGHENY COUNTY PARENT OF THE YEAR

Once again, a parent from PSST was named Allegheny County Juvenile Probation Parent of the Year. The award was presented to Daisy on October 6th at the Juvenile Justice Week's Awards Night.

She was nominated by numerous people including her fellow PSST Parents.

She earned the award for continued acts of bravery, excellent command of PSST skills, for showing a lot of growth, for reaching out to other parents and for saving her son's life.

Click on READ MORE to read Daisy's Acceptance Speech.

"Thank you so much for this award.

I would like to thank each and every person that is a part of PSST. Without them, I would not have the strength to stand here today.

I am the single mother of a 16 year old son, who is currently in his third placement, over the past year. His father died of a drug/alcohol overdose when he was five years old.

Up until high school, my son was a straight-A student and a great athlete. His first year of high school, I noticed a drastic change in his behavior. His grades dropped to the point of almost failing. He lost all interest in sports. He became disrespectful, angry, and even violent.

Everyone kept asking me if I thought he was involved in drugs – what else could explain this change in him?

I, of course, did not believe that was possible. After all -- I had been there for him and I had been a good mother. I taught him that drugs were wrong.

His anger escalated to the point that he broke my bedroom door down to where there was not one shred of wood left.

I became terrified of him and he knew it. He was half my size and had gained complete control.

I completely isolated myself from everyone, even my sister, the person I was closest to.

I was too ashamed to discuss the situation with anyone. I felt like a failure as a mother and was a prisoner in my own home.

Then one day, a friend, a PSST Parent, invited me to go to a meeting. That was the turning point for me.

Listening to everyone else, all people who seemed like good parents, sharing their stories that were so similar to mine, made me realize that I was not alone in this fight.

I began attending PSST meetings regularly and have gained more strength than I ever thought possible.

I have received so much support and help through the professionals and parents.

Someone gave an example of how, when you are on an airplane, you are told in case of an emergency to put the oxygen mask on yourself first so that you can help others.

I have learned that in order to help my son, I have to first help myself and that is what I have begun to do with the help and support of PSST.

Without PSST and without my faith, I would not have been able to do that.

Because of the changes in me, I am now beginning to see positive changes in my son.

I just want to say in closing that I am so grateful to Val Ketter and Lloyd Woodward of Juvenile Probation and Kathie Tagmyer of Wesley Spectrum for their DEDICATION and for the PASSION they have for our kids.

I am also so grateful to my sister, who has been there for me through it all. And my closest friend, Max, who spent countless hours listening to me cry and always knew just what to say.

Thank you very much."

Articles on Bath Salts ~ Contributed by Jane

2011-10-04T19:59:00.007-05:00

PSST parents know that if their teen is using bath salts, s/he has not started on a new cleanliness craze! Thanks to Jane for sharing the following two articles – click on the links to download the articles as Word documents.

Bath Salts: An 'Ivory Wave' Epidemic? Click Here to Download Word Document

What are "bath salts?" How are they abused and what are the potential consequences of abuse?

DEA Moves to Make 'Bath Salts' Illegal as Overdoses Rise
Click Here to Download Word Document

"The physical effects of PABS include tachycardia, hypertension, arrhythmias, hyperthermia, seizures, stroke, myocardial infarction, and even death. Behavioral and mental effects include panic attacks, anxiety, paranoia, hallucinations, psychosis, aggressive or violent behavior (such as self-mutilation, suicide attempts, and homicidal activity), insomnia, anorexia, and depression."

Actual outgoing message from a school in Australia-provided by Daisy

2011-10-04T18:54:00.001-05:00

This school adopted a policy that required students and parents to be resonsible for thier children's abscenses and missing homework. As a result many parents sued the school demanding passing grades for their children no matter how many days of school they missed. As a result the teachers from this school voted to put this actual ougoing message on their school's answering machine, I suppose to send a message to the "enabling parents."

It's pretty funny. Thanks Daisy for this contribution.

Type rest of the post here

7 Rules for Compassionate Communication

2011-10-03T13:27:00.007-05:00

In preparing for our first visit with Andy at his new facility; I am attempting to 'let go' of the ANGER within me so that our first visit will be a productive one. Difficult, as I seem to regress to past chapters in our life with him and not focus on the current under construction chapter.

I need to learn to pick my battles; as the worst in me is always peeking around the corner, ready to enter the room. What is causing my teen to disregard laws & respect of others property?

While searching the skies for help I came across Dr. Orloff's 7 points on communication that might help other parents struggling with knee-jerk reactions when sitting down with your teens; whether in placement or at home.

Judith Orloff, MD writes:

"The key to addressing anger is compassionate communication. I'm defining this as an information exchange for the greater good that involves both expressing yourself and empathically listening to another. Then a relationship has the possibility of transformational bonding--the ability to grow deeper as a result of communicating well--rather than pulling away or silencing angry feelings. Of course, it's wise to pick your battles. You don't want to die on just any hill. But once you've determined an issue is worth addressing, the following exercise will yield the best results.

Here are seven rules for compassionate communication:

Calmly express your feelings.
Be specific about why you're angry; stick to one issue.
Request a small, doable change that could meet your need. Clarify how it will benefit your relationship.
Listen non-defensively to another's position; don't interrupt.
Empathize with the person's feelings. Ask yourself: What pain or shortcoming is causing someone to act so angrily, to behave in a manner that doesn't meet my (our family) needs? Take some quiet moments to intuitively sense where the person's heart is hurting or closed. Then compassion will come more easily.
Work out a compromise or resolution. Don't stay attached to simply being "right."
If a person is unwilling to change, you can either accept the situation as-is and try to emotionally detach from it or limit contact.

While communicating, always speak to the best in people, to their intelligence, integrity, or intuition. This will bring out the best in you too. The worst in us is waiting to emerge, but don't go for it. Refrain from getting curt, condescending, or mean; it'll backfire. (Any waitress can vouch for the horrors of what happens to a rude customer's food, including being spit into.) Avoid generalizing, becoming vague, or asking for too much. Stay cool: Don't explode or issue ultimatums before attempting to find common ground. Compassionate communication is a holy exchange, a meeting of hearts that overrides the fascism of malice.

I can only hope Andy has a lot of compassionate communication while meeting with his parents.

Laughter - It's Good For Us ~ Contributed by Joan

2011-10-03T12:46:00.000-05:00

The most wasted day of all is that on which we have not laughed.
--Sebastien R. N. Chamfort

When we first started going to Twelve Step meetings we were often stunned to hear so much laughter. But we soon learned that a good hearty laugh or a joyful smile is as important to our recovery as all the serious issues we explore.

Learning to laugh is part of our growth. It recognizes our shared experiences and helps us feel closer to one another. It also reminds us we are able to smile again, and that a better perspective on life is returning.

We only have today to live, and we are getting better today, so why not smile and enjoy it? Why not open ourselves up to a good laugh and let it push our pain or sorrow out? Now that we are once again choosing how we feel, we have the power to opt for joy.

Today I am grateful for my ability to laugh and share laughter and fun.

OCT 1 WILKINSBURG MEETING SUMMARY

2011-10-02T19:00:00.012-05:00

"WELCOME TO THE PSST ZONE" -- OCT 1 PSST MEETING IN WILKINSBURG SUMMARY

This week’s PSST Meeting was held in Wilkinsburg. We had the expertise of Val of Allegheny Juvenile Probation and Kathie T, Jocelyn and Michelle of Wesley-Spectrum. Lloyd called in sick [hope you're feeling better]. We also had the pleasure of welcoming Julie an intern for Juvenile Probation form Cal U.

Visiting this week was April Wateska a counselor from Phoenix Rising. Thanks for attending April, we appreciate your input and hope to see you again.

There was also an overflow crowd of understanding and compassion with the presence of 26 concerned parents, some regulars, some returning alum and some new parents.

Many of us were here to celebrate the Allegheny County Juvenile Probation Parent of the Year announcement [more on that later].

EDITOR'S DISCLAIMER: This is an attempt to summarize our latest PSST meeting. We don’t always have the chance to get it done quickly and we sometimes cannot read Rocco’s handwriting [or even imagine what it was he was trying to write] so, Please feel free to edit, elucidate, correct, amend or add to our summary as required in the comment section below. We will not be offended.

Max did an excellent job at keeping the meeting on track as our group leader this week.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

- Val invited everyone interested to visit the Juvenile Justice Week Open House on Wednesday Oct 5 and to the Awards Ceremony on Thursday, Oct 6 at 6:00 p.m. The celebration will take place in the 2nd floor waiting area of the Juvenile Court [use the Ross Street entrance]. This is when the Parent of the Year Award will be presented to one of our outstanding PSST Parents for acts of bravery, excellent command of PSST skills, for showing a lot of growth, and for reaching out to other parents --- click on Allegheny County Juvenile Probation Parent-of-the-Year to read more.

- Wilma reminded us about the live workshop on Oppositional Defiant and Anger Issues in Children and Adolescents at the Embassy Suites at the Airport on November 11, 2011. CLICK HERE if you wish to look at the information online.

- Max encouraged anyone that needs more support to attend the S.0.S. Chapter of Families Anonymous. They meet on Tuesday evenings from 6:00 p.m. until 7:30 p.m. at Gateway Squirrel Hill. (Forbes Ave.) This twelve-step program focuses on helping parents become less co-dependent. All are welcome to attend these helpful meetings. Once again there is No Cost and No Commitment.

LET’S TALK - because of the large turnout we went around to do short introductions so we could get back to those with more to discuss.

Max began by telling us that her sons Michael and David are doing well. Michael, 19, is doing well in his recovery and is working his way towards having his own place to live.

Kitty also has two sons, Carlyle and his older brother Cat, a heroin addict that recently relapsed. Kitty told him that he could no longer live at home. More on this later.

Vera has been with PSST for a month. Her 16 year old son Tommy is a friend of Kitty's son Carlyle. Tommy is currently in an Inpatient Recovery Facility (IRF) and is an angry teen. He has a pass this weekend and Vera is concerned about how it will go. Vera says he has had problems for about two years. She doesn't understand why he acts the way he does, she wants to help him and save his life. Like most of our kids at this stage Tommy doesn't think he needs any help and is not accepting his recovery and is blaming everyone else especially his mom.

Thanks for coming to PSST Vera; please keep coming to our meetings, we are here to support you.

Tess and Danny’s 18 year old son Linus has been in an Inpatient Recovery Facility (IRF) since July and has over 60 days of clean time. He is doing okay and will be going to a 1/2 way house before returning home.

Olivia and John, Parents of the Year 2009, returned for a visit and to help us celebrate the 2011 Parent of the Year. Their son, Jarred is about to turn 21, has a job, his own place and is doing very well. Thanks for returning guys. It was great to see you and helps our current parents to see that there is hope.

Cheryl and Jim have an son, 18, Andy who just experience what the Adult Justice System is all about. He spent 5 weeks in the county jail. Val and Lloyd worked with Cheryl and Jim to get him back into the juvenile system and after a brief stay at Shuman Andy is in a IRF. As Jim noted they will not bail Andy out of his trouble but they will continue to get him whatever help he needs to work on his recovery.

Ruth is a single mom and relatively new to PSST. Her son Bo, 13, is in a IRF and is clean for 6 months. Please keep coming to PSST Ruth ans keep on praying. The combination can be a powerful tool.

Jenn and Brad have a son, Dylan currently in an IRF. They have been with us at PSST for about 10 months now and have become a good example of how to turn your life back to normal. Dylan is coming along well in his recovery.

Violet has a 19 year old son, Sal. Sal has been through a few IRF's and is currently attending his second year of college. Violet has stood up in court and stood up to counselors and to anyone that she didn't necessarily agree with to make sure her son received the best care that he could. Violet is our PSST Poster Mom for NOT being "Pathologically Compliant to Authority Figures".

Kathy is new to PSST. Her 18 year old son Cody is 5 months clean from heroin usage. he is attending meetings regularly and was proud to be given the key to his home group. Please keep coming to PSST Kathy, we will do what we can to support you.

Brigitte and Francois’ 17 year old son Pierre has been home from his IRF for 5 weeks and has had some issues. Never the Less, some alert actions by Brigitte has helped to get him to where he needs to be. He is doing well this week.

Becky's son Syd completed his IRF came home and relapsed and is in another IRF. This is very common. Our teens usually don't volunteer to go into their first inpatient program and it sometimes takes a few more times before the accept their recovery. Becky and Tom understand this and are handling it well.

Sally and Rocco's 19 year old son Cisco is currently in an adult 1/2 way house and is doing very well in his recovery and working towards finding a life skill so that he can eventually live on his own. He has a very good 6-step plan laid out and had a minor infraction this week. Because of this he did not get his weekend pass but was able to accept it and deal with it very maturely. Something that even a year ago he would not have been able to do.

Wilma's son Bam Bam completed his IRF this summer but was not ready to buy into his recovery. To make it tougher his dad, Fred, was acting as his prime enabler. Mary was shocked, but happy, when she received a recent call from Fred saying that he had had enough and had called the police on Bam Bam. Mary worked her best PSST skills to get Bam Bam into a Mental Health Facility. She let everyone know clearly that she while she understands that her son is allowed to sign himself out of the facility that she will not allow him to return home.

Jane another of our PSST Strong Moms has been with us for almost one year now. I remember meeting Jane at our informal "between the meetings" meeting at Crazy Mocha last October. Her son Elroy was out of control and about to turn 18. She wanted to get him into the juvenile system to get him into his recovery. Like Wilma, Jane had to do this with very little to no cooperation from her husband. Elroy also went through an IRF and a 1/2 way house but was not ready to work on his recovery. He is now back into a second IRF for the last month.

Jennifer's son Maxwell, 18, is currently in an IRF and has worked his way past the 1st phase. He is getting his first home visit since May and is hoping to reunite with his family.

Emily has a 16 year old son, Jerry. Jerry recently was assigned probation has been in an IRF for about one month. Emily is not sure if Jerry is ready to accept his recovery yet but he has his first home pass this weekend.

George and Gracie have a 19 year old son Ronnie. He relapsed this summer and checked himself into a recovery facility. He is attending 4 NA Meetings and a counseling session weekly. They feel he is doing okay but needs to stay focused. Their concern now is that Ronnie has got a job and will have more money to handle. They are Cautiously Optimistic.

Daisy has a 16 year old son Ozzie. Daisy is a single mom and an inspiration to us at PSST for how she has turned her own life around, helped her son in his recovery and reached out to so many of us here. Ozzie is another teen who did not accept his recovery and is in his second IRF. Daisy told us that she had her first good family session with Ozzie last week and is looking forward to another one this weekend.

LET'S TALK SOME MORE

Following a break for some celebratory cake for the 2011 Allegheny County Juvenile Probation Parent of the Year we reconvened for some more talk for those parents that needed it.

Kitty's older son, Cat, a heroin addict, has been clean for most of the year and was home for about 2 months before relapsing. Cat told him that he needs to check himself in to a recovery program and that he can not live at home while he is using. When she presented all of the evidence she found at home he basically went off blaming Kitty for everything from his using to his latest relapse. At this point he is not accepting help and she is not sure where he is.

Her younger son Carlyle sort of took her to task. He told her that Cat had been using in the house and that she needs to do something with him. He said that it is not good for his own recovery to have his older brother using at home. He asked her if she could ACT 53 him or something.

As much as Kitty would love to be able to do something; once our children are over 18 there is little that we can do to "make them" get help. They are legally adults and can check themselves into and out of programs. We can only be there to help them if they ask for our help.

Carlyle is doing well and has a hearing next week to determine if he can get off of home detention.

You know, looking at Kitty at the PSST meetings you wouldn't know that such a petite woman has such big shoulders...

...thanks so much for being part of PSST, thanks for the flowers and thanks for helping us. We will continue do what we can to support you.

Wilma is another lady with big shoulders. Until just recently she was pretty much carrying on the fight to help her son's recovery with no support from her husband, Fred. Fred finally had enough and called the police on their 14 year old son Bam-Bam. This has resulted in Bam-Bam entering a Mental Health facility.

Wilma is pursuing an ACT 53 hearing to get Bam Bam additional help. Bam like many of our kids has been making a case for himself. Since coming out of Inpatient Recovery he has refused drug testing, he will not go to meetings and he has stopped therapy.

Wilma mentioned that he had a text on his cell phone from someone asking for the money that he owed them. When asked why Bam still has a cell phone she told about how his counselor "suggested" that he should be able to "earn" his cell phone back and how Wilma should sit down with Bam's "friends" and get to know them.

Wilma now understands that a cell phone is not a good thing for teenage addicts and she has always known that Bam's "friends" are not good for him; Never-the-Less, when a counselor "suggest" these kind of things our teen addicts only hear "I am allowed to have a cell phone, my counselor said so!" and "What do you mean I need to stay away from my friends, my counselor said I can hang out with them!"

As we have mentioned before one of the first new skills that parents of teen addicts need to work on is NOT to be "Pathologically Compliant to Authority Figures". This is one of those things that we all need to learn to unlearn.

As Val K suggested we know our kids better than anyone and if a counselor "suggest" something that doesn't sound right to you, do not hesitate to let them know that you "are NOT comfortable with that!"

But with the counselor's suggesting and no support from Fred, Wilma was left to carry on the struggle pretty much on her own.

You have done well Wilma and hopefully with Fred on your side you will be able to do a lot more. Thanks for being a big part of PSST.

Violet is going through a phase of recovery similar to the one that Sally and I find ourselves in. Our sons have been though several years of their own recovery and have had ups and downs but they appear to be ready to move on in their lives.

We realize we "need to detach", we understand "how to detach" but we don't know "how to let go" of our fears, our own anger, out mistrust...

...as others said, our inner voice says trust him "but" then maybe if we prepare for the worst we won't be hurt as much if he falls, kind of like a post traumatic syndrome for recovering parents. We will heal but there will be scars that no amount of plastic surgery will ever fix.

Like all recovery processes, healing takes time. Healing is a long gradual process and our goal is progress, not perfection. Take your time Violet, make a little progress one day at a time.

Jim and Cheryl are also experiencing what others have. Addiction is a family disease. Their older son, Kyle, has asked them to choose him or Andy. He fears that they are being overly manipulated by Andy.

Fear and anger are two very big parts of codependency and very tough to get over.

Jim and Cheryl of course cannot and will not "choose" to abandon or keep either son. It will again take time to heal these relationships. They will talk to Kyle's heart and not his head. They will try to encourage him to detach from his fear and his anger and show him that they are okay themselves.

Jim and Cheryl, you guys have shown us how well you can reach out to others and especially to your sons. Like everything else healing the family will take time. As I noted above look for progress and not perfection. We here at PSST will be here to encourage and support you two."

STAY TUNED – THE PSST ZONE WILL BE CONTINUED

Parent Skill: The Secret Weapon #1

2011-10-02T09:46:00.005-05:00

Parents have a secret weapon that is fairly easy to use, free, and parents have almost unlimited amounts. It isn't a silver bullet. It won't solve a lot problems by itself; however, it will give you the edge. Using this technique liberally, along with the other parenting skills could actually effect a change in your teenager.

The reason why is that this secret weapon is all about relationship building. Hit "read more" to see if you've guessed what skill this is.

Physical contact. You might call this one the Vitamin Skill because like a vitamin, it won't cure you of a disease but taken regularly it can help you fight off diseases or heal yourself faster.

When you first meet someone you know that except to shake their hand it's not really appropriate to hug, put your arm around them or even to take their hand outside of a shake. Why? Because when you first meet someone you know that you don't know them that well. Having physical contact with someone implies that you know them better. This is the universal symbol that two people have a somewhat close relationship. Of course being close enough to hug someone doesn't mean that you are life-long buddies or BFF. It does suggest a casual intimacy or an easy going friendship. Every time you hug someone you reaffirm that you still have at least a casual intimacy if not more than a casual intimacy.

The reverse is true too. If you aren't comfortable touching someone, whether or not that someone is one of your children, you reaffirm that you are not close or casually intimate. If you see someone and never touch them, that can mean business only please.

Some things happen in early adolescence that naturally decrease physical contact between parents and teenagers. First, teens often don't want that hug or that hand on their arm. They feel they've outgrown that. It's age appropriate that they see themselves as moving past all that; however, they really haven't outgrown the need for touching because people never outgrow it.

Your teenager might come right out and challenge you by saying that you are too "touchy feely" and please back off.

The flip side of the coin is that as a parent you feel betrayed when your teen develops a drug problem, and all the various behaviors that come along with it. Parents can build up resentments. Suddenly you are not as comfortable going to the hug. Also, people hate rejection. parents are no different. If you keep going to the well and it's dry, then you stop going to the well.

The point of this post is to encourage parents to see this physical touch thing as a challenge. The quick fix: hug your kids every chance you get. If you have to, sneak up on them and give them a quick-hug. Sneak up on them and give him/ her a back rub. Sneak up on him/ her and touch his arm. Don't allow your teenager to discount your involvement. Hug anyway although if the teen resists, you won't be hugging too much or for too long, but don't let the your teenager's rejection stop you from continuing to try the next time!

Become a ninja hugger. Sneak up on them and become master of the quick hug. If they confront you, just agree with them that you want so much to hug them that it's practically impossible to do stop- sorry. On some level the teenager will like that. The only caution is not let the hug last too long, especially if the teen is resistant.

The big exception to this might be male adults, step parents especially, hugging teenage girls. It's still recommended but more sensitivity to a teen's plea to stop might be in order so the wrong idea doesn't come across.

Hugging not only can change a teen's attitude towards the parent, but hugging can improve the parent's attitude towards the teenager. Both can feel the warmth. It might not feel warm when you do it but just keep it up regularly and see if you don't feel differently.

Stay tuned for Secret Weapon #2, coming soon.

Allegheny County Juvenile Probation Parent-of-the-Year to be announced!

2011-09-28T16:16:00.018-05:00

What last year's cake would have looked like except that
Lloyd let the plastic wrap touch the icing. It still tasted
good :-) Click "read more" to see another cake!

Once again, a parent from PSST will be named Allegheny County Parent of the Year! The award will be given on October 6th, but the fun happens this Saturday, October 1, at our Eastern District Probation Office where no doubt we will celebrate as we always do- with CAKE!

This year's winner was nominated by numerous people including parents. This year's winner won for acts of bravery, excellent command of PSST skills, for showing a lot of growth, and for reaching out to other parents. Those nominating felt that this year's winner stood out for those reasons; however, it is also true that this award could have been given out to many other PSST parents who also act bravely, study and use the PSST skills, show a lot of improvement and reach out to other parents. In some ways, everyone who attends PSST wins (again this year!).

Click here to see pictures from last year's Parent of the Year Award.

We can't announce the winner on the blog until after
October 6th. If you know who won remember "mums" the word!

Seminar on Oppositional Defiant Disorder

2011-09-28T15:30:00.002-05:00

On November 11, 2011 there will be a live workshop on Oppositional Defiant and Anger Issues in Children and Adolescents at the Embassy Suites - Airport with Program Director Jay Berk Ph.D.

Wilma plans on bringing fliers to this Saturday's meeting. CLICK HERE if you wish to look at the information online.

Wilma Tells Us: Fred Comes on Board

2011-09-25T13:35:00.000-05:00

They say that it gets worse before it gets better but its only getting worse.

I updated Bam Bam's status last week. It feels like a decade ago.

Wednesday 9-21 started like any other day-Bam Bam didn't go to school, badgered Fred for money (it started at $5) and escalated to Bam Bam punching a door with his broken hand, punching out Fred's lawn tractor-which doesn't work now and we dont' know if it can be repaired, and threatening that the next thing he punches will be Fred's face. What was different is that FRED CALLED 911.

I was terrified and elated when he called me at work to tell me he called the police. He finally DID IT! When I got home there were two squad cars and a third came shortly after. Now we had THREE COPS at our house. They said they couldn't arrest Bam all they could do was write a citation and he would have to pay restitution. I said I wanted him to go to Shuman but they said no they couldn't and had a bunch of reasons which I don't remember. In hindsight, should I have pushed them?? I don't know.

One of the officers was a former EMT and because of the violent situation that had started over really nothing and Bam Bam's psych issues he suggested calling the ambulance and having him evaluated which we agreed to.

We spent 10 HOURS at hospital number 1. Bam begged me to stay with him so I stayed with him in psych holding. I was prepared, though, to leave at the first sign of any aggression. He was the only adolescent there. When asked by the psych nurse what I wanted I told her he can't come home he needs help. She asked me several times if I was sure (I think she wanted me to change my mind) but I told her "I was not comfortable taking him home.)"

What would he do then? We had already had experience taking him home and before leaving the parking lot of the hospital Bam Bam was using abusive language and throwing things. I wasn't making that mistake again. Bam of course worked very hard at trying to change my mind but I held firm. Fred was in total agreement with Bam not coming home. He waited in the general emergency waiting area. While talking with Bam and the nurse for our interview and intake Bam Bam admitted to relapsing "once" the week before, however, based on his behavior over the last 6 weeks or so I was suspecting him of using. We had given him two urine screens that I felt he had manipulated somehow but couldn't be sure. They both came out negative.

I then bought oral saliva drug tests that Bam Bam refused. He told me I was trying to trick him! I think he knew his goose was cooked as he wouldn't be turning away from me to give a sample, I could watch him the whole time. There would be no "I can't pee in front of anybody' or Not in front of my Mom!" He also admitted to taking niacin (Fred found large white tablets in Bam's string bag when he went home to pack a few things for his stay at Hospital 2 and Bam said that was the niacin and our friend the pharmacist concurred). Bam's Bam's behavior prior to this episode was constantly needing money, hanging out with his same people, places things and of course his new "friend" Cueball who we suspect of stealing beer from us and also Bam's new $350 glasses. I called the counselor at school to see if the glasses were in Bam's locker. the locker was completely empty. She told me that kids will sell their glasses for the frames. And this is what I think happened-he either sold them for money, traded for drugs or Cueball stole them. Not matter what the truth they are gone and Bam doesn't have any glasses! When I mentioned Cue's name to the counselor she said we should be concerned that Bam Bam is associating with him.

Finally transport arrived so that we got to Hospital 2 about 12:30-1:00 Thursday morning. We were exhausted!

He was allowed to call Friday night and of course says he is o.k. there is no reason to be there, etc. I had already talked to the PA earlier in the day who brought up possible DAS (Diversion and Stabilization) program. now that Bam Bam has medical assistance there are no roadblocks to treatment that is denied under our primary insurance. Hallelujah!

Saturday I went myself to visit. I took Bam some McDonald's and he tried to work me during the whole 10-15 minute visit. I didn't bring up any possible treatment scenarios as I needed him to hear it from the staff. I just told him we had our meeting with the counselor on Sunday and see what he said. Later on Saturday I picked Fred up after the PITT game and he talked the most he's talked about all of this. One thing that was different is that he is not falling for Bam Bam's games anymore. He talked about how he let Bam Bam use him for money, rides, believing his lies. I felt sad for him but so glad that FINALLY we are together on this.

Sunday we had our family meeting with the therapist. The therapist and doctor are recommending the DAS program. Bam DOES NOT WANT THIS. He wants to come home and be with his family. that is all he needs along with maybe some rehab. he DOES NOT get that he also has mental health issues that need to be dealt with and it's the usual what do we do first? Mental health or D&A? to get dual dx treatment has been a nightmare for us and I am considering dropping his primary insurance so that we don't have so many problems getting him proper treatment.

Because of his escalating violent behavior (which he does not see) he needs to go. The therapist said that Bam is making poor decisions (drugs, alcohol, stealing, etc) not really in touch with reality, etc (I should tape these things) he strongly recommends the DAS. Fred mentioned to the therapist when we were leaving how Bam had been asking about his BB guns and without blinking an eye he said Bam was going to sell them. Fred never thought of this, wouldn't want to think this but is believing it now. Later on we went to visiting, took McDonald's, and Bam Bam was telling us he does not think he needs the DAS. He'll go back to therapy all he needs is to come home. We told him if he didn't follow the treatment plan he WAS NOT COMING home. He was shocked. Later on the nurse called twice to tell me he was agitated, had punched something and was asking for something to calm him down and again that she had to call the doc. What Bam didn't tell us earlier was that he had told staff and patients that he didn't agree with anything that was recommended and that he was going to scale the fence (i'd like to see this) and run off. What that got him was level 2, not allowed to leave the unit.

Also on Sunday Bam is getting text messages from somebody he owes $20. I texted back "???" and this kid texted back that Bam should bring the $20 to school Monday Hmm, wonder what that's for??? Today the kid texted "YO" so I guess he's going to be waiting awhile before he gets paid back!

Today, Monday. Bam's ACT 53 went without a hitch. His case was continued and we didn't have to appear before the judge. The judge didn't even want to hear the gory details so it was uneventful.

Fred and I filled out a juvenile court allegation form to press charges against Bam Bam for this latest episode. This time it's both of us, not just me and hopefully Bam Bam will get probation. We both really think he needs the added court supervision. He is getting more out of control.

I also talked with the social worker at the hospital and a referral was sent to the DAS program even though as of yesterday Bam said he wouldn't go. DAS is voluntary so he is going to have to agree. i did let her know that if he refuses he is not coming home and cyf will then have to get involved. If he does agree I am also working on alternative transportation from one place to the other. Yesterday we were told that we have to get him there. however, we have had him in the car trying to jump out, throwing things, grabbing the steering wheel so I told the social worker that I don't think we can safely be expected to transport him unless he was unconscious and/or handcuffed in the back seat! I am working on private ambulance which of course our primary insurance doesn't cover but Gateway might. The Social worker also said she will look into alternatives.

So that is where we are today.

Wilma

Diversion and Acute Stabilization Program ~ Information Provided by Wilma

2011-09-25T13:25:00.002-05:00

Diversion & Acute Stabilization Program

The Diversion and Acute Stabilization (DAS) Program is an acute treatment facility that provides an alternative to inpatient hospitalization for children and adolescents; ages 9-17. The program features basic psychiatric assessment and medication monitoring, intensive individual, family and group therapy, case management services during the course of treatment, educational services and organized activities that will prepare residents for integration back into the community or in some situations to stabilize prior to moving on to another level of care.

Emphasis in the DAS Program is placed on a Cognitive Behavioral Therapeutic model. This model allows us to engage residents in a safe environment that provides them with insight to precursors for behavioral and psychiatric issues that manifest acutely. The DAS Program includes all aspects of the Sanctuary Model in providing trauma informed care during a resident’s stay.

The environment affords the client a more homelike and comfortable environment where the adolescent can be evaluated and participate in the therapeutic setting. The program will continue to be licensed under the 3800 Regulations for Children and Youth Providers and is overseen by DPW and OMHSAS.

The twenty-five bed facility is staffed 24/7 with an ideal complement of clinical and front-line staff with access to all the amenities that the campus has to offer, including recreational and

Mission Accomplished! Thank you PSST volunteers!.

2011-09-23T05:55:00.002-05:00

It was a great evening. It was what a PSST meeting on the road might look like. Mr. Chip McClellan from CISP was an excellent host. We were offered dinner as well with Cheese Cake and of course I never met Cheese Cake I didn't like.

I provided an introduction. Next all Six volunteers took a turn sharing their story. Then we met the parents from CISP. Then, it was time for PSST role-plays and we were pleasantly surprised to find CISP parents wanted to be in the role-plays! All three role-plays were done with CISP parents playing their teenagers. Our PSST parents demonstrated.

We look forward to seeing some of the parents we met at one of our next meetings.

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How a Child's Own Reasons For Change Can Lead to the Most Success

2011-09-19T14:30:00.000-05:00

INTERVENE

I thought that some of you might be interested in reading this article from the blog “Intervene”: Teens Only Listen to One Person…Themselves: How a Child’s Own Reasons for Change Lead to the Most Success Click Here

Lisa

Bam Bam is Out of Control - by Wilma

2011-09-19T09:31:00.012-05:00

Bam Bam is Out of Control

I just spent 4 days in heaven (the beach) and came back to he!!. Bam Bam was discharged from placement on July 1st and it has been a roller coaster ride.

He has not been following any of the recommendations of his discharge. He doesn't participate in any recovery activities such as going to 12 step meetings. He doesn't think he needs to do this. He stopped going to counseling even though according to the ACT 53 case manager he can't do this. He initially refused to return to his psychiatrist for medication management when she called him out as exhibiting drug seeking behavior when he started trying to dictate what medication to take. I tried to find him a new psychiatrist but it was virtually impossible to find an adolescent psychiatrist that participates with our insurance. His dad stepped up the plate and got him back in with the former psych (while I was away) when Bam realized he wouldn't be able to get any medication for his ADHD and anxiety. I did take him to the doc appt as Fred doesn't know or understand the different meds.

Bam is also hanging out with all of his old friends and a new one that my gut is telling me is trouble. He also still hangs out at Eddie's house a lot. And he is planning to go to Homecoming with a female friend of his who is always stealing her mom's car, staying out all night and generally causing her parents much grief. Two years ago after homecoming I found out later she and her two girlfriends had gotten hold of a couple "handles" and were so drunk that one of the boys thought that one of the girls was going to die. She is the friend I always suspected of bringing vodka in water bottles to Bam's 15th birthday party.

So much for avoiding people, places and things.

Last month at a meeting with our agency svc coordinator Bam stated that he wanted to be independent from us. All three of us looked at him like he'd grown another head! He said he just wanted to be independent so we couldn't make him go to court. I told him he would need a full-time job and to find an apartment. He reminded me he was only 17 but I told him that didn't matter he would not be living with us. After this incident I told him he would have to find his own doctor. I have done two home 12-substance drug tests that have been negative. He had refused to do them at Juvenile Court which was the stipulation at his last hearing but we compromised with the case manager to do them at home. He is supposed to give the sample in front of his dad but he turns his back to him. I think he is up to something but not sure what. I had given him an alcohol test and the color change was only on the sides of the test strip making me suspicious that he didn't saturate the test strip thoroughly but I am sure he was drinking.

He started school last week and has hardly been in school. Day 1 he was there all day. Day 2 he was having trouble with his hand so Fred picked him up from school and took him to the e.r. for an x-ray. Lo and behold he had a hand fracture that had started to heal. As near as we can figure this was from him punching a storm door the day he had asked for independence and then I told him he wasn't selling his clothes for spending money. He was really pi$$t that day. He took a brand new shirt with tags that didn't fit him and ripped it in half. I had told him that day and before that he wasn't selling clothes that he did not purchase for spending money for who knows what. Days 3 & 4 he went to school but then went to the principal’s office wanting to come home after he'd been in school an hour or so. He'd been having anxiety attacks. The principal felt since it was a medical problem Fred needed to bring him home. This was how Fred got him into the psych office. Day 5 Psych appointment and then didn't go to school. He wanted to go back to his old school for senior year and we agreed. Went through the whole process to re-enroll him, the counselors worked it so he could be a senior and would graduate with his class. He texted me last week he wasn't going back to his old ways, he likes school. However, today he told me he wants to go our school's alternative program for school. And I have to mention also that when he isn't getting his way about anything he tells me he isn't going to school, so I tell him he will need a full-time job and apartment. He was supposed to start a job last week but has to wait until the hand is fully healed. Also can't take gym (he has to take 11 and 12 gym) due to the broken hand. He also needs/wants money all the time!

Today I accidentally discovered the back screen door to our basement was open. When I went to check it out I discovered that the inside back door was unlocked. Now, we always keep our doors locked so someone (Bam Bam???) left it open for himself or someone else. Fred checked his beer supply - he had left half a case in the basement fridge not thinking about anything - and it was gone. Bam Bam denies any knowledge of it. This is the second time in a month this has happened. Do these kids think we are so stupid not to notice a whole 1/2 case of beer is missing?? After the first time we didn't keep a key by the basement door so Bam and his friends couldn't go in or out that way. We think he used the key by our front door upstairs to unlock the basement. I was at the beach and Fred doesn’t have a clue how long the door was unlocked and the beer was gone. We also haven't noticed anything else missing. However, Fred has an extensive sports collection so I think it would be difficult to tell if anything is missing. I think he finally is going to be more careful. He hardly ever drinks beer but on these two occasions he was careless. I am for changing the locks but Fred doesn't think a key is floating around out there. We will see. Also while I was gone Bam wanted in my bedroom (I keep the door locked at all times - even though you can pop it with a bobby pin, it is a deterrent especially when we are home.) He told Fred he wanted a necklace and that it would be o.k. with me. Fortunately, Fred didn't fall for that story. I don't know how many times I have to tell him Bam is not allowed in the bedroom - I keep things hidden in there from Bam Bam. I also have some jewelry missing (fortunately only one good pair of earrings) that hasn't surfaced and, after catching Bam in my jewelry box last year, I think he stole some of it but of course I have no proof. Brigitte, if you are reading this, I know I would like it if Bam had an ankle bracelet to keep him out of my room!!!

And lastly, I think he was involved in shoplifting a pair of pants recently. He came home and asked his dad for $37 for pants his friend Cueball picked up for him but there was no receipt or bag. And of course Fred gave him the money. We both are suspicious of this incident but again have no solid proof.

So, we wait. His ACT 53 hearing is September 26th so I can only hope that the judge keeps his case open. Bam worries about going to court and being sent away again so that is the only leverage I have right now. I hope that it is enough.

Wilma

DOING NOTHING IS NOT A SOLUTION - A note from Daisy, a PSST Mom

2011-09-14T09:20:00.000-05:00

DOING NOTHING IS NOT A SOLUTION - A note from Daisy, a PSST Mom

I just wanted to share something that was said to me this morning.

There was a 20 year old boy in my neighborhood that was shot in the head in his own living room and killed the night before last. The boy has been involved with drugs for several years.

My brother-in-law called and said, “I just wanted to tell you that (the boy being killed) is the fruit of doing nothing.”

I am not suggesting that his parents did not love him because I know his mother and I know how much she loved him; but she did not have the tools to do what needed to be done.

This just reconfirmed to me that we have no choice but to do everything we possibly can to save our kids as hard as it is and as much as it hurts us.

Once again I just want to say that I am so thankful for all of the support we get from PSST parents and Probation and Wesley Spectrum.

I, for one, know I could not be able to do it without their help and/or without my faith. So thanks again, Val, Lloyd, and Kathie T.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Thanks so much for your note Daisy and all that you have done for us at PSST, in your participation, in sharing your faith and as an example of how a single mom can alter the cycle of addiction.

For anyone reading this that has a teenager abusing drugs/alcohol and not sure of what to do; Please come to our next PSST Meeting. This is a potentially deadly game they are playing and doing nothing is NOT a solution.

"...as hard as it is and as much as it hurts us" it is what we do for our children and our families.

YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED

2011-09-12T08:28:00.000-05:00

AN INVITATION TO ALL VETERAN PSST PARENTS

We were very happy to have Ken, a veteran PSST Parent, return to our Wexford Meeting and would like to extend our thanks to him for taking the time to return and share his story with us.

We would like to extend an invitation to all long time PSST Parents to join us at a future PSST Meeting at their convenience.

As Ken, and our other long time parents, know it usually takes a lot of our time and effort before our children accept their recovery and begin to work their steps earnestly.

We generally acknowledge that we are in this for the long term, never-the-less, at times it is very tiring and it can seem hopeless. It is always helpful to hear from others that our efforts are worth the time and energy we are investing.

A lot of our veteran parents have made it to meetings in the past and we do appreciate the time and effort it takes to spend a Saturday morning with us. We don't have balloons but we do have a lot a of good coffee, good food and good conversations to share.

Thank you all for your support and we hope to have other PSST Parents return to share their stories.

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WHEN THE JUVENILE BECOMES AN ADULT ~ by Jim

2011-09-10T21:54:00.009-05:00

I AM 18. I AM AN ADULT. DOES ANYBODY CARE? - Jim

As Cheryl and I (Jim) have walked life’s path with our teenage addict, Andy; we’ve learned (much to our dismay) to navigate through the Juvenile Probation system.

Although, some may think that the “system” is harsh (reference Shuman), we’ve always found that it is very understanding (sometimes too much so) and eager to provide some form of program or assistance in an attempt to put our juveniles back on the right track.

This world of forgiveness and “do-overs” creates a cocoon of false security that it will always be this way for the juveniles, no matter what they do or how much trouble they get into.

Is this wrong?

I think not, because it gives the juvenile a chance to learn from the errors of their invincible, hormone driven ways without a permanent record.

Then comes their eighteenth birthday, a day of reckoning as they “legally” pass into adulthood. They cross this threshold without seeing or feeling the removal of the cocoon, nor our ability (as parents) to effectively intercede on their behalf. It is a cruel and rude awakening.

Suddenly, all of our past warnings of what life in adult jail would be like become their reality. Andy’s endless eye rolling and heavy sighing (are you done preaching yet?) are replaced with his tears and fears.

Tears that are shed during the daily fifteen minute collect calls and having to cover his face to hide his emotional weakness from his fellow inmates. Our once supposed self proclaimed tough street kid is now nothing but a scared little boy. So far out of his element, he is often afraid to leave his cell.

The newly incarcerated “adult” spends awhile in denial that this new “burden” is going to stick and hope that somehow they will once again escape with a slap on the wrist and a pat on the bum.

Denial gives way to anger that we as parents are not rescuing our little angels as we’ve done in the past…in a large part because we cannot and another part that we will not!

Anger turns to self loathing because of their (finally, now apparent to them) stupidity to have broken the law. Finally, deep remorse sets in. They have nothing to do but expend every waking hour contemplating their future, or lack of it. Their new despair anticipating the worst possible fate leads them to periods of great depression.

I’ve never been to the Allegheny County Jail, but recently I’ve talked to enough people that have been inside to believe that it is as nasty and gruesome as it is purported to be. Andy wouldn’t even submit a visitors list to be approved because he didn’t want us to see him there.

He now realizes after experiencing the adult system that nobody in jail cares about him as an individual.

Nobody cared when they stripped searched him.

Nobody cared that he didn’t shower or brush his teeth for five days while he waited in processing.

Nobody cares that he doesn’t have basic hygiene products.

Nobody cares that they only issued one inmate jumpsuit and underwear to him.

Nobody cares that he has to do his laundry while showering and hang it in his cell to dry.

Nobody cares!

I have lived my life believing: “Everything happens for a reason, it is always for the best, it just may not seem like it at the time.”

As we continue to learn the adult justice system (again, much to our dismay), we will continue to try to help Andy to the extent that the system will allow us.

The only positive aspect to this experience may be Andy’s negative memories in jail will override his desire to break the law in the future. Andy tells us that he would rather die than live in the jail.

Lesson learned? Only time will tell.

WE REMEMBER ~ SEPTEMBER 11, 2001

2011-09-09T14:28:00.010-05:00

WE REMEMBER ~ SEPTEMBER 11, 2001

We remember and pray for the innocent victims of September 11, 2001.

We remember and pray for the survivors of September 11, 2001.

We remember and pray for those who lost loved ones on September 11, 2001.

We pray for our fire fighters, police, EMT, rescue workers, nurses, doctors and all public service personnel and for their loved ones that support them.

We pray for our U.S. Military men and women that dedicate their lives to protecting our freedom and for their loved ones that wait for their return.

We pray for our great nation; that tragedies, though terrible, bring us closer together not tear us apart, and continue to show the love and compassion we Americans are all capable of.

We pray for those who are tempted to think that violence accomplishes anything of lasting value in this world, in our country, in our cities, in our towns, in our neighborhoods or in our homes.

We pray for the peacemakers in the world.

MAY GOD, WHO IS PEACE, BLESS AMERICA

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love,

Where there is injury, pardon,

Where there is doubt, faith,

Where there is despair, hope,

Where there is darkness, light,

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much
seek to be consoled as to console,

not so much to be understood as to understand,

not so much to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

it is in dying that we awake to eternal life.

It's a Dog's Life

2011-09-08T12:30:00.003-05:00

It’s a Dog’s Life!

In setting up rules for Andy, Jim came up with the analogy to our two dogs Zoe & Gizmo. *

Zoe is older & wiser at 8 years of age with 100% freedom in the house and outdoors.

Gizmo is 1 ½ years old, caged in the house while we are away from home and on a leash when outside.

On several occasions Jim has asked Andy how he would like to live his life at home and out in the community with two simple options:

1) Like Zoe, if you obey ALL the rules and make good decisions in your life you will be rewarded with the benefits of freedom regarding social life, curfews, additional privileges, ...

2) Or you can be Gizmo, who has yet to obey all rules/commands set for him and is getting into trouble 24/7. He can’t be trusted alone or while under our watchful eye; therefore when we are away from the home he must be placed in a kennel (cage) to prevent negative behavior. When he is permitted to go out with his friends (Zoe & Finnegan) he must be kept on a leash at all times to keep from running away.

It’s up to Andy, or any other teen that is pushing the envelope of house & society rules.

How does your teen want to live their life under your roof?

*Editors note: names have been changed to protect Gizmo's privacy!

Cheryl, Jim, Andy, Zoe & Gizmo