Hot Day for Conversations ~ Sally Posted by:Sally--Saturday, September 03, 2011

Hot Day for Conversations

It was so nice to see ya'll at today's meeting. I still get so much help at PSST, so I keep coming for that reason and for the donuts and good coffee too!!

Thank YOU, Jerry, for being a special guest today. You were an integral part of our PSST meeting. Your insight is so valuable.

When we got home today, I suggested to Rocco that he and I put on our scrubby clothes and wash the cars. Rocco went out first to start vacuuming the vehicles and I decided to have a short conversation with Cisco. He was home on a pass and anxious to go out with some friends.

I intended that the conversation would be short and sweet and go like this:

Moms: You said in the car on the way home today that Jerry feels you did your program well and that it would be good for you to get an apt or move home. You made $30.00 this week and if you are serious about getting an apt. or coming home you should let me put a little bit of that money away for you. How about if you give me $5.00 to put in a savings account?

Cisco: Good idea mum, here take ten it will accrue more interest. I'm going to Terri's and will call ya later so don’t worry about me tonight. Love ya.

Moms: Love you too, have fun!

That is what I hoped for but this is what happened:

I decided at the last moment to try to accomplish two things, (one) Interject that IF he comes home his father will be in charge and what his dad says will be what goes. (two) Get him to save a few bucks

Note: I should have stuck with just trying to get him to save a few dollars for his future.

Mom: Cisco you know that I have been married to your dad for a long time and I respect his opinion. Dad and I talked about if you came home and.........

Cisco:[cuts mom off]: If I come home? SO dad doesn’t want me to come home!?

Mom: I cannot say what dad thinks or feels but I can tell you what I feel, sometimes I want you to come home and sometimes I do not. I am on the fence about it. However, if you do come home I want you to know that dad gets the final say on things. Dad is in charge.

Cisco: I don’t think I can come home. You are hard to get along with. I have trouble getting along with you. You tell me things that I already know and when I say “I know” you just keep telling me anyway.

Mom: You are right, Cisco, if we cannot hold a simple conversation I don’t see how we can live in the same house. You respect Jerry enough that you have conversations with him and you listen to each other.
Can we try that?

Cisco: Jerry does not always have a ‘retort’ every time I say something, plus he understands me.

Mom:: I’m glad you pointed that out to me. I do have something to say every time you say something to me and even if I don't try to, you sometimes think I am being sarcastic. [said with sincerity] I will work on that.

Cisco: [a little more settled] You have to understand that I have been institutionalized for a long time and I get edgy.

Mom: [Mom shakes her head in understanding then moves on to point number two] Let’s talk about saving a few dollars for an apt. Will you give me $5.00 to put away for you?

Cisco: I only have $28.00 left how about if I give you two? [pulls two dollars out of his wallet]

Mom is thankful to get two dollars for savings [remember: baby steps] and records the amount in notebook and puts money in an envelope.

- END OF ROLE PLAY

Kathie and I had a productive meeting this week and she sure knows her stuff. She had some excellent suggestions for job and skilled labor training opportunities for Cisco. Kathie also had some suggestions for living arrangements.

It is probably best for Cisco's next step to be learning a skill and then holding down a job. Rocco and my role as parents of a nineteen year old is to lay out some suggestions for our son and then let him choose the roads he will travel.

I bet I should take Lloyd’s advice which is: Let the fact that Cisco wants a different place to live be Cisco’s problem which requires Cisco’s solution. Lloyd is wise. He wrote a post on this titled: Solutions vs. Problems What Do Our Teenagers Need the Most. Click here to go to that post.

I went out and helped wash the dirty cars and talked with Rocco. He liked the idea of letting Cisco solve his own problems and he liked another idea that Lloyd came up with recently:

If our teens want to come home they need to apply for the privilege. They should write down reasons why we should allow this to happen. (Basically have them write their own home contract and then negotiate the terms with them)

Then Rocco squirted me with the hose and a new battle began! It was such a hot day and the cool water felt good.