Summary of OCT 16 PSST Meeting in Mt Lebanon Posted by:Rocco--Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Meet the Parents III - Oct 16, 2010 PSST Meeting Summary - Mt Lebanon

We had another terrific turnout Saturday for our PARENT SURVIVAL SKILLS TRAINING (PSST) Meeting at OUTREACH TEEN AND FAMILY SERVICES in Mt Lebanon, including six new parents.

PSST meetings are open to all parents who are dealing with the distress and difficulties caused by their teenager’s substance abuse. We are here to help empower PARENTS with support, information, advice, skills and techniques a parent needs to SUCCEED in helping their teenager save their own life.

The meeting was lead by Val, Lloyd and Rebecca from Allegheny County Probation and Family Therapist Jocelyn from Wesley Spectrum Services. Speaking for all of the parents who attend these meetings we would like to sincerely thank them for their support and for sharing their experience, understanding and much appreciated humor.

The meeting was attended by eleven parents representing eight families: alias' Daisy, Marcie, Patti, Alice, Sally & Rocco, Violet, Tom & Becky, Helen & Harry

We parents each had a chance to share our own situations and issues.

[The following is not exactly like a court transcript of the meeting but more of a brief synopsis, to the best of my recollection. If I missed anything important or confused stories please feel free to add a comment at the end of this post or respond to sallyservives@gmail.com – Rocco]

Daisy is a single mom of a 15 year old son, we call Ozzie, who is currently in an inpatient recovery facility under Act 53 (asking the Court to declare your child to be in need of involuntary drug and/or alcohol treatment services).

Daisy had a very brief phone call from an agitated Ozzie on Wednesday to tell her that his first Home Pass had been canceled due to his behavior. He did call back a bit later and had some time to discuss the issues. She will see him during the Family visit Time on Sunday.

Daisy is a good example of a typical PSST Parent. When she came to her first PSST meeting about 6 months ago she was a very stressed out single mom with a teenager that was regularly using marijuana and creating total chaos into their home . Like so many of us at PSST her son Ozzie had been a wonderful child that did well in school and sports and that everyone enjoyed being with. Around 14 or 15 they seem to pick up new “friends”, new habits and a totally new attitude; none of them good. They become argumentative, defiant, overbearing louts.

Daisy like many of us became embarrassed, confused, angry, depressed, worried, irritated, perplexed, annoyed, anxious, humiliated, troubled and generally mystified at their child’s behavior (just to name a few of our feelings). We don’t know where, when or why our teen began abusing drugs but we will try anything to stop it.

Daisy tried to work with the school and counselors and finally got some help from Gateway Rehabilitation. In addition she came to PSST. In a relatively short time, and a few boxes of tissues, she has made that amazing transformation that most of us PSST Parents are able to make. She has regained control of her child, her home and her
life. She has not only been able to clean out her home from top to bottom she actually has time to do some things for herself and best of all just relax.

Her son Ozzie still has a way to go, as most of our teenagers do, but he is now under control and heading in the right direction. Unfortunately there is no quick fix and there are no simple answers to our adolescents’ problems. Never the less the more clean time we can help them achieve the more we can resolve their issues.

Hopefully she will share on the blog how her Sunday visit went. Thanks for sticking with PSST and becoming such a good role model for all of us Daisy.

Marcie is a first time PSST mom. She is divorced with four children. Her 16 year old son’s behavior (just like the rest of our kids) recently took a nose dive. A few weeks ago she was called by the school and told that he was found with marijuana on him. This carries an automatic suspension from school and a juvenile hearing to assign a probation officer to him. Marcie (with many of the same feelings described above) met with the school and made sure that her son (we’ll call him Chuck) was placed into an alternative school while he was waiting to be placed into the other school. She did not need Chuck to be sitting home for a week waiting. In short Marcie has done an excellent job in getting help for her son. Marcie’s problem is her ex-husband, Linus, who doesn’t want to address their son’s problem in the same urgent manner.

Thanks for making it and please keep coming to the PSST Meetings Marcie. We will try to help you deal with your son and his dad in a positive way.

Please check this blog on PSST power words – ‘You’re Right’, ‘never the less’ and ‘regardless’. Read about “Why not to ask why?” and how to do the “PSSTwist”. We’ll reinforce these when you come to the next PSST Meeting (Wilkinsburg on Saturday November 6).

Next was Marcie’s friend Patti, another first time PSST mom. Her teenage son likewise has been “experimenting” with marijuana and defiant behavior. The big difference is that Patti and her husband are on the same page and will not allow their son to manipulate them. Sally and I work very hard to stay on the same page as each other when dealing with Cisco.

If our son tells us that the other parent said “it” is okay, we still verify “it”, in person or by phone or e-mail with each other. Or as someone stated “How do you know when an addict is lying? When their lips are moving.”

This is not to make light of the subject but please be aware at all times of the tremendous manipulative skills teenage addicts develop and their uncanny ability to switch techniques almost the instant they realize that their first method is not working. They can turn from your sweet child to a nagging whiner or an angry monster punching holes in walls and doors in seconds to get what they want.

Thanks for trying PSST Patti. You sound like you already are off to a good start. Please come to some more meetings. Remember to practice "I am not comfortable with that."

Please Note: Expecting to get the same response from a teenage drug/alcohol user that you get from a non-using adolescent will only lead to disappointment, exasperation and frustration.

Another regular PSST mom, Alice (Ralph was busy with their younger son, Ed, at a church work project) was able to make it. Their older son, Norton, has left the state because his recovery and their house rules were both too tough for him to follow. As Ralph pointed out at an earlier meeting their house rules basically boiled down to stay clean and keep up with his recovery program.

Ed, 15, is currently finishing up at an inpatient recovery program. He is about to return home on a home contract with Alice and Ralph and another contract with his Probation Officer. These contracts are very basic and spell out the conditions of what is expected of the teenager in order to remain living at home with their families. It can but does not need to spell out the consequences if they break the terms of the contract. It should also be noted that the contract is subject to periodic reviews by the teen, the parents and the P.O. however contracts are only subject to change by the parents and the P.O.

Ralph and Alice are another good example of how in less than a year with PSST; they were able to turn their lives around by refocusing on their own well being. They are some of our best PSSTwisters. They have taken the power back in their home to give their sons a chance to work on their own recovery.

Rocco and Sally were next. Their 18 year old son, Cisco, relapsed in August. Since he was still under Juvenile Probation Cisco was placed into an inpatient recovery program. He was doing very well and then on Thursday evening he unexpectedly walked away from the facility and disappeared. Unfortunately P.O. Columbo didn’t find out about it until Friday morning. He and family counselor, and faithful sidekick, Nancy Drew went into immediate action; contacting Sally and Rocco, gathering information and preparing a request for an arrest warrant for Cisco.

Sally tried her best to detach and refocus but was of course concerned about where Cisco went to, where he would stay, who he was with, and which drugs, if any, he might use. Rocco was also apprehensive but tried his best to refocus on the fact that Cisco could not get all that far on $20 and not a lot of street smarts. Sally arrived home early and made sure that all of the windows and doors of their house were locked. She made some calls to some of Cisco’s “friends” that she felt she may be able to trust. They all said that they did not know where he was but would contact her if he called. Sally and Rocco, as well as P.O. Columbo and Counselor Nancy all had doubts that these “friends” would make the call. They all felt that Cisco would eventually be hiding out at one or more of their homes. How long his “friends” and their parents would allow him to hide out was the next question.

I’ve tried to lighten our story up a bit but I do understand the seriousness of the situation and the potential dangers. Sally and I were of course concerned but tried our best to accept the wisdom that this was something that we could not change, the serenity to understand that, along with Cisco’s relapse, this is yet another trial in his recovery process, and the courage to continue on as normally as we could. We thank our P.O. and counselor for their immediate actions and concern they showed us. We also thank our good friends, our fellow PSST Parents, that reached out to us with their messages, prayers, wishes and hugs.

I will let you know that this episode has ended well. Never the less I will keep you hanging on because this story deserves its own post. Stay tuned.

We took a break for Val’s Bosses Day Cake (See Lloyd’s Happy Boss’ Day post), Dunkin Munchkins, chips, soda and coffee. Lloyd then called the meeting back to order (no small task) for the rest of the parents’ turns to share there issues and feelings.

Another of our regular PSST single moms, Violet, has a son, Sal, who has been through several inpatient recovery programs. Like Cisco he has relapsed however thanks to Violet he has accumulated a lot of clean time and is still working to stay clean. He is currently in a half-way house. Violet has made it clear to Sal that he is not allowed back home until he is ready to remain clean and sober and to respect her and her rules. She did not have the best visit with Sal last week but she had the strength to call an end to their meeting, get up and leave without feeling too guilty. Hopefully she will share on the blog how her Sunday visit went.

You have come a long way in a short time Violet! You are the one person who has stuck with your son throughout all of his issues. Thank you for coming to PSST meetings and sharing with us. We are all here for you and for all parents that are striving to make a difference in their troubled teen’s life.

Two new couples, aka Becky & Tom and Helen & Harry, made it to the meeting. Thanks so much for joining us.

They both have young teenage sons, and like so many of our PSST Teens did, they are getting into the “lifestyle” of Addictive Behavior including deception, defiance, dealing, distancing themselves from family, school and activities, deceit, lying, manipulation and a touch of criminal behavior. This typically will lead to an appearance at a local magistrate’s office or at juvenile court.

Becky gets the first ever PSSTrophy for consulting the blog before attending her first meeting and using the "Cold Water Wake-Up Method" on her teen who didn't want to get up for school. It worked, Becky exclaimed!

You may have noticed all of the other parents nodding in agreement as you told us about your teens sneaking out, stealing, disobeying and using. We all know how you felt when you explained how puzzled you are on when, how or why you lost control of your children. The description of their behavior was almost identical as our children.

As we discussed at the end of the meeting we will try to go over appearances at juvenile court and at the local magistrate at the next PSST Meeting (Wilkinsburg on Saturday November 6).

We appreciate Becky & Tom and Helen & Harry taking the time to attend the PSST Meeting and hope that you will continue to.

It is understandable that we as parents may beat ourselves up with “What did we do wrong?”

This is pointless.

Teens may choose drugs and alcohol even when they have the most loving, caring parents. Instead of focusing on why, you need to accept that your teen has a problem and look for expert guidance and then refocus on what you can do to assist your teen in their recovery.

You are not alone. We here at PSST are here to assist and encourage you in getting the help you need. PSST will also work with you on how to modify your parental behavior. We have all unintentionally enabled our teens in their quest to obtain drugs and alcohol. Either by providing cash (for lunches, movies, dances, football games, etc.) or overlooking missing items like electronics, clothing, video games, DVD’s, jewelry, tools (wrench sockets), kitchen knives and alcohol.

There was time for a Role Play concerning a mom trying to get her child’s less than cooperative father to get on the same page in dealing with their daughter’s behavior. If your spouse, partner, significant other is not cooperating they are part of the problem; here is a way to handle the situation (once more this is not a transcript but a short version to demonstrate).

First, have a talk with your child’s father without your teen present. Explain how you intend to handle the situation. This gives them a chance to get on board. If they still disagree with what you say or do not want to cooperate; Try the following:

In this role play, the mom is the Concerned Parent, the dad is Mr. Uncooperative and their teen is little Susie:

Susie: “So like I’ll see you mom. I’m going over to Buffy’s party.”

Mom: (Looks directly at her teen. Even though Mr. Uncooperative is standing right at the teen’s side do not even look at him. Focus on the child.) “Susie, let’s keep this short. I know that you don’t like long lectures.”

Susie: “You got that right mom! All you ever do is blah, blah, blah, blah…”

Mom: “You know something, you’re right. Sometimes I do go on too long. So I will keep it short. We told you that you were grounded this weekend because you chose not to follow your home rules.”

Mr. UC: (Very Large Eyeroll towards Susie)

Susie: “Well, like, I stayed home last night. This is Saturday night and I am invited to Buffy’s birthday party.”

Mom: (Ignores Mr UC's eyeroll, maintains eye contact with Susie) “I am sorry about that. I like Buffy and…”

Susie: “Well then it’s okay then I have to get going. They’re waiting out front.”

Mr. UC: “Yeah. Come on her friends are waiting out front.”

Mom: (Do not even acknowledge Mr. UC; Keep your cool and do not break eye contact with your teen.)

Susie: “Dad is right, mom, come on, I have to go. This real-ly sucks!”

Mom: (Stay focused, lean a little closer to your teen and say in a calm, firm voice.) “You are so-o-o-o right Honey. This really does suck. I hate being the one to tell you. Regardless, you understood when you broke the rules that there were consequences. You helped us write them. You are grounded for the entire weekend, birthday party or not.”

Mr. UC: “Sheesh. Give the kid a break. No wonder she is so nervous all the time. You make everybody nervous with all of your dumb rules. At least let her friends stop in.”

Susie: “Yeah, dad is cool, I’ll go and tell them to come in.”

Mom: (Do not even acknowledge Mr. UC; Keep your cool.) “I’m sorry, but I am not comfortable with that. You are not going out and they are not coming into this house.”

Susie: “You're not what? You know what you are? You’re nuts mom. I should call Youth Services on you. I should turn you’re a$$ in for being nuts!”

Mom: (keeping eye contact with Susie only) “You're right Susie, I must really sound like I’m nuts sometimes. Never the less, young lady, you were warned about what would happen. (Still focusing on her teen) Your father is wrong. You are grounded for tonight and tomorrow and tomorrow night. If you can follow the rules, maybe, you can see your friends on Monday. Now we all agree that I talk too much and I said that we wanted to keep this talk short so consider this discussion over. Do you have any questions before I go?”

Susie: “Sh-y-t no.”

Mom: “Okay Susie, thanks for listening. (Be the first to walk away) I will go tell your friends that you won’t be coming with them tonight.”

Sally and I have found that the more we practice role-plays the better we are at thinking on our feet when confronted. When we both react quickly and consistently we keep the power.

Remember our two favorite words NEVERTHELESS and REGARDLESS. Try to get BUT totally out of your vocabulary. Or as one of my favorite people loves to always remind me “Everything you say after the word BUT is BS.”

We did not have time for a Role Play about a court appearance and we hope to start the next PSST meeting with one.

We briefly touched on the phrase “I am not comfortable with that.” This is a great way to stop an argument before it starts. Anytime your teen tries to get you to explain why they can’t do something, your answer should always be “I’m not comfortable with that.” This shifts the blame and the conversation your way and stops your teen’s attempt at an argument. If they ask “Why aren’t you comfortable with that?” Take the blame again with “Gee, I don’t know, maybe it’s just me.” If they use their favorite phrase “I don’t care” cut them off with “Maybe that is part of the reason I am not comfortable.”

We had some final comments to finish up another good meeting and we all left with a little more wisdom and confidence to face our teens and the world of alcohol and drug addiction.

Our Thanks again to all at PSST, and of course our sincere thanks to OUTREACH TEEN AND FAMILY SERVICES for the use of their space.

We look forward to seeing more concerned parents on Saturday, November 6 for the next PSST meeting at

Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg.